It was in the midst of all the joy and daisy field carousing that we got an email from our boys’ doctor. The doctor who corrected Jude and Shepherd’s clubfoot. The doctor we absolutely adore and whole-heartedly admire. And he had some serious reservations about this little girl. He wasn’t 100% certain what her condition was, but he said that he felt her clubfoot was ‘syndromic’ (part of a syndrome), not idiopathic. And that additionally, her arm deformity might be quite complex. Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting to hear from him? But it definitely was not that. It felt like a one-two punch in the gut. My husband, on the other hand, was completely unfazed. He knew God intended her for our family… and that was all he needed to know. I pressed our doctor and told him that we intended on bringing this child home, how much we wanted to adopt her. He replied, in the most sincere and loving way, that the he felt her needs were too much for us. I cried.
The next day I poured over her medicals, just wanting to feel a bit more connected to her. I wanted something to hold on to. Had I missed any details? Might God show me something that would encourage me? Then I noticed something I had seen before, but not really digested, when we initially reviewed her paperwork: her HepB panel. Positive. Negative. Positive. My stomach gnarled, my hands began to sweat. I called one of my best friends who has a HepB+ child and asked her, pleaded with her, to tell me that this was a ‘normal’ HepB result. She wasn’t certain, but she thought it meant that this child was HepB+. I frantically emailed another friend with the results and asked her, without going into much detail, what it meant. She replied, “It’s just a typical result for a HepB+ child.”
I cried. I mourned. How could this be? Suddenly, the little girl I’d become so enamored with felt like a million miles away. It became impossible to look at the sweet face staring at me from the refrigerator door. I wanted to resist her, to resist this process. I felt like I was drowning.
I went to my husband, more than once, and cried to him. I knew that any of her needs exclusively we could handle. But how could we adopt a child with this many special needs?? This many unknowns?? I poured my heart out to him and told him I could not be responsible for the decision to bring this little girl home. I just could not. I asked him if he was willing to carry the burden of the decision. 100%. “Can you do that?” I asked, without any idea what his response would be. Somehow, neither possible answer would have brought me any sense of joy or peace. He said yes.
We inquired with our agency as to her HepB status since this was not listed as a diagnosis. It would be a few days before they could get a response back from C@AA, we’d have to wait. Some how, some where during those few days, the skies opened. The rain stopped. And my husband’s certainly filled me with a knowledge that this was our child. No matter what. When we heard from our agency that it had been a translation error, that she did not have HepB, we were overjoyed. And we celebrated the fact that our daughter didn’t have HepB. We celebrated for her, that she had one less obstacle to wrestle with, one less burden to carry. We celebrated for us, that a huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders. And we felt even more certain that we could parent this child and provide for her in every way.
Since then we’ve been on a solid high. God is so good. He allowed me to struggle through a time of anxiousness, of doubt. And on the other side, looking back, I am grateful for every tear I cried. If I hadn’t experienced that sorrow and uncertainty, I wouldn’t know this measure of joy and assurance. We have since received so many confirmations that this little girl is meant to be ours… crazy confirmations that could only come from the Big Guy, Himself. God has truly showered us with reminders that His plan is perfect. And that His plan for our family includes this precious, beloved little girl… this little girl to be known as Vivienne Kate.
Thank you SO much to my incredibly talented friend, Rebecca, for this beautiful announcement! We had to take out some of the pertinent info, unfortunately, but you get to see the best part… her precious little face!!