a whopper

This is my crazy husband.

Not.

Although he looks silly in this picture, my husband is typically quite serious.

Calculated.

Disciplined.

Since we began the adoption process for Isabelle in 2004, we’ve had numerous discussions about adoption…

Should we?

Again?

And, as you might have guessed, most of the time I am the one doing the asking.

Most of the time my husband is the one doing the answering.

NO.

A while ago I mentioned wanting to share my thoughts on reluctant husbands.

You know… husbands who – even though their wives desperately want to – do not want to adopt.

And, although I have floundered my way partially through a future post, I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew.

Because this topic? Is a whopper.

I have some thoughts of my own – as always, right? – but I’d love to hear from you.

What is your answer to the question, “What do you do when your husband doesn’t share your desire to adopt?”

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Comments

  1. i'm gonna take this personally…in a good way!

    thank you….i am so anxious to hear what others have to say….

    thank you! :)

  2. pray
    ask him if I can bring it up every couple months
    pray
    ask him to pray
    advocate for adoption
    pray
    take care of the brood God has blessed me with thus far
    pray
    don't bug DH about it if he has a firm answer
    pray
    offer information if DH is receptive
    pray
    pray
    pray
    and pray some more!

  3. PS-still praying for #7

  4. Pray and then pray so more…. we now have 4 precious daughters :-) All but 3 times my husbands first answer/response was no. "No money, no time, not young anymore, already a full house" just to name a few reasons he would give. BUT answered prayers and patience has our table filled with 6 childrens and 2 VERY happy parents :-)

  5. mamabuckwheat says:

    For me, it's that I would like to foster and adopt, but my husband doesn't want to foster. He said if we are going to have a child come into our home, that isn't biologically ours, it is staying until it is ready and old enough to leave. That he won't have a foster child because he would get too attached, then it would leave. He says he would adopt though, because he can have the child for his own, to raise with his own, as his own! In Canada, where I live, there is a big need for foster parents for babies who's parents were on drugs. I have felt God calling me there for a long time, and I'm just going to have to keep praying that he comes around! But again, he said he would just want to keep the baby and not give it back.

  6. Pray, pray, pray.
    And when I still heard no, I prayed some more…

  7. Kristine~Lakeshore Cottage Living says:

    get down on your hands and knees and ask God to make the decision for you. I have found that if you humble yourself before the Lord, He will answer…not always what YOU want, but what HE intends to be the best for you…and that is ultimately what WE want, right? After praying, tell your husband that you have done this, ask him to be open and then watch out because God will work a miracle if it is HIS will…I speak from experience…my husband said no to number 3 and number 4 and they are sitting at my kitchen table giggling right now ;D because it was God's plan. Ask God to change your husband's heart, ask Him to take control of it all and in the meantime, find a hobby (lol) because He doesn't always answer in our time or the way we have proposed…that is the fun in it all!

  8. *Overflowing* says:

    Pray…pray…pray!!! Here's the key, though…you have to be willing to accept the Lord's answer, even if it's not what you were wanting to hear.

    I prayed 2 years for our first daughter from China. I did not pester my sweet hubby or my Lord ;)…they both knew my heart. About 2 years into my praying, I asked hubby to pray for 2 weeks and the end of the 2 weeks I would ask him what he was thinking. I didn't bring it up the entire 2 weeks and when the time came, he shared how the Lord had given him peace and that we could move forward.

    Super important…trusting that the Lord will move all by Himself…He didn't need me to poke and prod my hubby…He needed me to be still, pray, and trust.

    Does it get easier…NO WAY…I'm ready for #7 and hubby says absolutely not…so I pray and pray and pray :)

  9. China Dreams says:

    Make suggestion.
    Then wait.

  10. The women who say, "Pray" are, in my humble opinion, exactly right (every time). Every child should be desperately wanted by BOTH parents and that means, no use of 'feminine wiles'.

    This has, in fact, happened to us. And I did not go down without a fight. *Until* the Lord Himself, convicted me of the idol I had made of this desire of mine. And once the Lord speaks, well, let's just say, He wins every time.

    Not everyone who 'cares for the widow and the orphan' will adopt. But, I can still advocate, support, sponsor, donate and cheer on those who do. And try, try, try to realize that He has another plan for me (and my family). That has been by far the most bitter pill to swallow, but I am trying to embrace it (::coughcough::).

    I am eager to hear other stories from other women (and menfolk, too).

  11. Pray is my answer too. I spent years praying that God would change my husband's heart or take away the desire I had to adopt. I think as it turned out He was working on my heart during that time too. I learned a lot about patience. And a lot about the China adoption program. I kept reading and learning–especially from a little blog called Ni Hao Y'all. I had him read things from here and other places online that resonated with me. Eventually he came around, and in that time you brought four kids home. :-) If we adopt again, I think it will be a little easier to convince him the second time around. ;-)

  12. Well, my response to my RH five years ago was to pray and ask God to work on one of our hearts so that we would be on the same path. He always wanted only one child – I wanted three. We had two at that point – our compromise. In my prayers, I grew to accept our little family of four as complete.

    Then in the fall of 2009, my RH suddenly turned DH again & I had to pray about whether we should move forward with another adoption. It's 14 months later and we've been home with #3 for five months. And I think if Vietnam opens again, we'll mostly likely be seeking out #4. :)

  13. My husband was d.o.n.e, three kids was enough and when I approached him about adopting from China (SN program)…God's thing, not mine. He said NO, absolutely not, crazy, insane, NO. I asked him to please pray about it. I wouldn't ask him or talk about it. I PRAYED all day and before bed until I fell asleep and if I got up to go potty, I prayed then too!!! ;) With in A MONTH he started talking about it and by two months HE WAS IN!!! We'll get started VERY soon on our first adoption and he's already thinking we'll need an 11 passenger van in the future! :) With God, all things are possible! Mountain moving, period. :)

  14. Show him photos of really cute kids?

    Tell him that the more kids you raise together the more likely one of the kids will change his diaper when he's old and gray?

    The more kids you have the more likely one of the kids will be very rich and successful and they will buy you a home in the mountains or the beach, whichever you want.

  15. Natalie and Jake's Mama says:

    After coming home with our son, #2, DH said "that was it" and I agreed. But now, less than a year later, I have seen a face….. Our daughter, #1, keeps saying that she wants a sister, but DH would just turn a deaf ear. Today, I mentioned that I was looking at a file. Instead of saying NO, he asked about her, and wanted to see her pic. He said that she was cute and her medical issue was not too difficult for us. I just stayed silent, not wanting to pressure him. DH looked at me and said "I know that you have your heart set on her already." I just smiled. The conclusion, he said that he needed to mull over a #3. So, for now, I will just wait. AND PRAY!

  16. I tell my husband that I feel led by God and he is "obviously" not praying enough or else he would feel the same!! ;) Seriously (although I have said the above, especially about adopting 2 at once), we pray alot, talk alot, pray alot, talk alot, pray alot…we try to never draw the line in the sand and intend to remain open to each other's opinions and how they effect one another and our family! Great topic!!

  17. Assuming your husband is a believer:
    Pray for wisdom.
    Share your heart.
    Rest in Jesus. (Read your Bible).
    Don't look back.
    Don't wonder why he's not on board immediately.
    Continue to be soft and wisely share your heart.
    Don't nag. Don't manipulate.
    Pray you won't nag or manipulate. Ask a friend who loves you and your husband to hold you to no-nagging.
    Lean into Jesus. That's the whole point of our lives after all!
    Pray you'll love him from the heart even if you don't feel "heard."
    Pray for God to move in His heart.
    Lean into Jesus. Thank God for the beauty of this experience. Revel in His nearness and trust Him.

  18. Interesting! And somewhat fitting for me. My husband has been on board for adopting for as long as I can remember, which is fantastic. He's a great dad, and amazing with our kids. But as you know, we have been "prospective adoptive parents" for a couple of years, meaning that we have picked an agency, have the SN list and app all filled out, and are just waiting to send it all in.

    But my husband would like to have all the money for the adoption in the bank before we proceed. All of it.

    That is not an easy thing to have, no matter how committed you are to it. I fully respect that idea; after all, he is a scientist and thinks very rationally and practically, plus he is an excellent provider for our family. However, I am aware how long the process can take and how fees come up throughout it, not all at once.

    Any advice?

    All the best,
    Nicole A., now in LA

  19. And as for more kids, well I have found in having our three thus far, that I simply focus on the child who is coming, and we talk about having more once he/she is here and we are in a routine. No use trying to determine a number ahead of time. We have never said "We are having X number of children. Period." I am truly hoping that it will work that way with adoption, too!

    My husband has a big heart and is a great dad. We'll just take it one at a time. ;)

    All the best,
    Nicole A., now in LA

  20. I can not wait to read! I am in the middle of this right. So currently I'm just praying the Lord changes his heart or that He would give me a new direction in which to help in the orphan crisis! But my heart longs to welcome a child into their/our forever family through adoptin!

  21. Our Family says:

    I think what everyone else said is true….
    Praying is the best thing you can do.
    And patiently waiting.
    God fully knows this is something the heart of both parents has to be in full agreement for.
    And He is the only one that can change a heart.
    No amount of nagging, pleading, or rational explaining will do that.

    For us, we always knew we wanted to adopt. The question became where from, when, how old, etc…. Never when we started this process did I ever dream we would end up with an older (8 yrs old) SPECIAL NEEDS child from China. Never. Because while I had a husband who wanted to adopt, in his mind it would definitely be, well, a healthy baby. And again, never did I dream we'd be doing it a second time to add child #6. This time, I've been the one who needed prayer.

    I think the process of waiting for RHs to turn it around is something maybe God uses to work in US. Patience, faith, giving things over to him – I know for myself I grew in all these areas during my time of waiting.

  22. Waiting For Bella says:

    Pray, pray, and pray. After praying, pray some more, then pray some more. Then just wait on God to do what He does best…..deal with the heart.

  23. that's when I give it to God.. i pray that if it's HIS will for us to adopt- He will have to change my husband's heart. I do believe we must submit to our husband's authority and decision- but He must also submit to God's!!! So if it's not in God's will for us to adopt again- I don't want to be outside of that- if it's in His will- it's no big thang for God to change a man's heart:)

    • What great advice, Emily. I love your last words – that’s “it’s not big thang for God to change a man’s heart!” That has really convicted me. I know in my own life I really need to let go and trust God.

  24. Well I pray and am praying for my husband's heart to change. He's getting closer I think.
    I don't nag because that does no good, in fact has the opposite effect. I believe if it's meant to be, it will happen. My husband is another one who wants to have every penny of the adoption money before we would start again.

  25. mom2three says:

    I prayed for three years. God changed his heart with one look at Duo Duo and the rest is history. We talked about it often but even with that his heart wasn't ready and it made him frustrated that I kept bringing it up. So I just prayed and now we are waiting to bring home Gabby :)

  26. Well I agree with most of these commenters….the FIRST and foremost answer is PRAYER and also a willingness to accept that the answer might be "Wait" aka "Not now" or "No" Though I think that many times it isn't a NO but it's more likely a WAIT and we aren't very good at waiting!
    I have also found that the majority of the people in the adoption circles online (yahoo groups and blogs and such) are WOMEN (though I have met a few dads who were uber involved and their wives were not!) and for me, reading other people's journeys and seeing those precious faces on wait lists and places like Rainbow Kids and Reece's Rainbow makes the need for adoption so much more REAL and VITAL to me than it does to my husband who frankly doesn't indulge in blogs, waiting child websites and the like.
    As believers, we must remember that God is big enough to reach our spouse's heart and mind and we must be careful not to manipulate them into doing what WE want them to do. Terryn is so right- every child should be desired by BOTH parents!
    I do not think you will find any commenter who will say there is any method or system to getting a husband to change his mind….Amy Block wrote a great blog post about this issue and we as women have a great influence on our husbands. So often we complain about how hard our lives are, how naughty our children were on a given day, etc. and then wonder why hubby doesn't want more!

  27. Tara Anderson says:

    My husband isn't reluctant in the sense of not wanting more children, but "reluctant" in adding the extra expense and getting in over our heads financially. Not only is adoption costly, but so is medical care, food, clothing, and other basic needs. It often means a larger home, a larger vehicle, and smaller college funds for the kids. And while I definitely agree that praying is a MUST, I've also found that (for my husband) it requires a practical approach. Sitting down and working out financial goals and saying when we reach this point, then we'll go back for the next one. That also means that I have to really strive to steward our resources well…skip the dinners out, the spa days, etc. and live frugally so that we can meet the next goal faster. If he knows that I am as concerned with our financial stability as he is (and we're TOTAL Dave Ramsey nerds!), then he's able to get excited and we can dream together.

  28. Patricia/NYC says:

    Pray, pray & pray some more, but NEVER, NEVER force the situation…he came around eventually & as usual, it all worked out in His perfect timing! :)

    We went through SOOOOOOOO MUCH to get to where we are today…but that story is for a private email from me to you! :)

  29. Yes, this is a whopper! I could write a book. :) Yes, prayer is the number one answer.
    A sweet friend that we all know and love just recently reminded me that women are naturally encouragers to our husbands. She said we will either encourage them for the good or for the bad…haha.
    Stefanie, the last time you mentioned this topic, I love what you said. We need to discuss this with our RH and share our feelings…tell him what is on your heart. And then you said, at the same time, we cannot be complaining about our out of control life.
    Love that. Why would he want more children if he feels we can't handle what we have…and all we do is complain. That's so hard, I know.

    I have to admit, my oldest daughter and I posted 8×10 adorable pictures of Benjamin all over the house. Joel was firm we were done. Through much prayer, somehow, God convinced him it was time.

    I do believe though, our situation, that timing is everything. Why God chose to tell me first about adopting, I do not know. And that is a hard place to be as many of us know.

    Recently, I prayed that God would change my RH's heart or change mine and take the desire away. He didn't take the desire away but only made it stronger. But…He did remind me that maybe NOW is not the time. I do think it's soon, but not today. :) I'm at peace…researching…and waiting. So discussion. Prayer. Gently encouraging him. Researching. Trusting God for his perfect timing.

  30. couchtots says:

    Wow! I am not alone. :) I pray. My husband was satisfied with bio child #1…….fast forward to now & we just came home in December from China with child #5. I already know that I would like to adopt again and would like to adopt an older child and my precious hubby is already in "NO" mode. Lets face it – sometimes the need is so strong that it hurts. Then, I hit my knees and pray that God will change my husband's heart or change mine according to His will. I want to do what is right not just what I want.

  31. I read every.single.word.

  32. PRAY!!!!! and show him pics of really cute waiting kids!!!! Hehe!

  33. All of these are awesome, but clearness made me laugh. :)
    I'm so happy you did this post, because I'm in the same situation. I guess I assumed that all these wonderful adopting families started out with both parents excited about it! Boy was I wrong!
    I desperately want to adopt from China. I don't know why God placed China on my heart, but he did. That's how I found your blog Steph. Anyway, I've approached my hubby a few times, and every time it's a NO. So I've been praying. And God has asked me to wait.
    So I wait and pray and trust that His timing is perfect. Maybe our special baby just hasn't been born yet? :)

  34. I have to tell you that the prayer thing is a huge thing. My husband was a firm NO with our second adoption. Finally, one day he gave me what he termed a "short leash" and the rest is history. When you get the short leash-run, run, run. He loves our little girl and she is nuts about him. I think he would be less reluctant in the future because of the blessing of this little girl. I think he trusts my judgement more than ever.

  35. Pray!!! Seek God's will!!! If I'm sure it's God and not me I share my heart with my husband and ask him to pray and then wait for God to lead. So far He has led us through two adoptions through foster care and two through China. We are currently paper chasing for our third China adoption. My husband says this is definately the last one. I usually smile and remind him that it's not my decision. To Him be all the glory!!

  36. My husband said yes to the first adoption and no to the 2nd one. I cried, prayed, fasted, prayed cried, this went on for several months. I finally realized I was too stressed out over it and not trusting that God was working on him. I approached him with it again and again he said no, but that time I wasn't so anxious, I felt a peace about it. I prayed some more that night and the next day my husband called from work and said "honey, let's go for it, it's the right thing to do" So now we're in the process. PRAISE GOD

  37. Sally-Girl! says:

    Pray, pray quietly for God to change his heart. Let God do the work on your hubby and for you to keep quiet, not pushing your will on him.

    As you know I just came home with my designer girl, Gracie Mae. She never would have come to fruition had I kept badgering and laying guilt trips on my hubby to adopt a child with DS. It was through my quiet and steadfast prayer that his heart was changed. Not in my timing but in His timing.

    And as a praying wife, I can't tell you how great it has been to see my prayers answered while I remained quiet! It is an incredible faith building experience for me!!!

  38. Prayer and a deep rooted desire to do the will of God led me on the path to adoption. I had wanted to adopt since high school. I had wanted to adopt from China for 8 years. My husband knew this and gave me a firm NO often.I prayed daily and often. I asked God specifically to take this desire and place it in his heart or remove it from mine. His complaint was financial and age. We had raised 4 wonderful sons 20-14. I continued to pray and was persistent. My husband finally agreed to see files. When he saw her face, he leaned over and told me to go get her!!! Eight long years it took. We have had her home one year on Feb 21. She is the best thing that ever happened to our family. We love her and China.I am ready for #2. He has provisionally agreed but takes 2 steps back for each step forward. He is very visual. He needed the picture. In China's new system, the dossier must be in China to match with a less involved child. He is unable to handle a very involved medical issue. We all have our limits. It is difficult for those men who require the full picture and story. In this all important decision, my husband does not like that loss of control! I pray a lot!!!

  39. I'm going to second the overwhelming opinion here….PRAY! It's to big of a decision to beg plead or nag your RH into! This is something God has to either soften your spouses heart about or give you peace and another path to make a difference. So try to turn your anxieties over ladies of RH's and give it a little time and alot of prayer! (I know, not always easy!) It worked for us…I all but went to my husband with a power point presentation and asked him to listen and pray about a boy we had met at our son's orphange that I had been advocating for and got a no before I finished…I cried, but remained silent and prayed. He changed his mind in less than a month!

  40. In our case, I actually credit my husband with the idea to adopt…even though I would still consider him to be reserved/reluctant. I just knew I wanted a third child, and that's the part he was reluctant about. For months, I would bring it up occasionally, and he would say, "No," and I would leave it alone. Then, he mentioned adoption (I mean, really, just casually mentioned it – "if you really want another kid, have you ever thought about adoption?") It's not something we had ever talked about before. Then, we, meaning I, got to researching and researching, and praying and praying, and we prayed together, and one day, we both decided to jump in. He's definitely on board with it, even though I handle all of the work of it, but that's just how we do things (he appreciates my organization skills and I'm a control freak). I am convinced that it's God's plan for us. I describe it as, He planted a seed in our hearts, and when we discovered it (I think it was always there, but we never knew it), it began to grow.

  41. sammmomtoliv says:

    My dh did not want a fourth child but I begged, cried, and pushed the issue (everything you all suggested we NOT do!) — and it worked in the sens that Ellie is now home with us, but it caused stress in our marriage and family life. Now that our baby is here dh is happy and grateful that I pressed the issue, but we had an unhappy few years while we waited and while dh doubted. I will never do that again, as thankful as I am for my daughter. Now, I feel drawn to adopt again but instead I will pray and wait. It is hard for me to do, especially when I think of all the orphans who need homes.
    Sam

  42. Well – Chris – I got your back! Here comes a DRH's thoughts….get some coffee but you need some "fabric" if this is going to make sense. In fact – I exceed the max 4096 characters so this is a two parter!

    We had 3 bio kids by the time we started into adoption – 2 HS seniors and a HS freshman – and I'll claim ignorance on the subject – after our 3rd child when further children became impossible – I took that as a 'sign from God' that our family was complete, and honestly adoption never even crossed my mind – swear!

    Then one Sunday we had a visiting Priest – who had been living in China for many years – and he brought up the subject at the end of Mass. The seed was planted….

    With our first adoption – I was an RH up until the time that they handed our daughter to my DW – and then clarity happened – and all was right with the world. I mean a serious RH – on the trip to get our daughter I was still riddled with thoughts of "what have I done". Boo is 8 now, makes that adoption 7 years ago next month….and I haven't had a single regret for a second…..

    For adoption #2 the shoe was on the other foot. While Marie was 'open' to the subject, and was even browsing the China SN shared lists (back when they were all on line readily) it was Boo that found her sister. At the age of three she could click forward and back on a web browser – and on three seperate occasions found the shared list image of our second adopted daughter – and expressed to us that this was her sister. The 3rd time she did that I committed to this adoption, asked Marie to obtain the file and send the letter, and never looked back! My bride on the other hand – while open to more kids – was the reluctant one and had to be gently encouraged several times along the way. I mean committed to this one, hand carring documents, hiring curiours when necessary – whatever (it was a pre-hague adoption which was 'easier') but we had permission to travel 8 months later. We got home right before Christmas in '08 and our daughter is 4. Needless to say – neither of us has had any regrets on this one either!

    to be continued….

  43. After adoption #2 we both agreed we were done – but ended up in China about 14 months later with adoption #3 – getting home a year ago this coming saturday. We took turns being an DRH or DRW during this process – just glad that we both didn't end up reluctant at the same time or we would probably have quit!! Obviously we're as happy as we can get now too!

    And today – Marie is ready to start the process for child #4 yesterday (or the week before!!)! But I'm the one that is reluctant to the point that I just can't consent to even start the process, but I have been willing to consider gender – but we disagree on that one!

    So what do I know? I know that:

    1) it takes more than parents to raise any child – but that the parents really need to be on the same page – and most importantly – the parents MUST be committed to each other completely and unreservedly if this is going to work! Ya'll are right – nagging won't help this one!

    2) I know that feelings will change during the process when things bog down or become extremely rough but that flip flopping is OK too – we're only human.

    3) I know that I have the capacity to love my kids unreservedly – bio or not just doesn't matter.

    But most importantly I know that I don't know if or when God will open my heart – but I do know that right now He's putting enough on my plate for me to know that I don't feel capable enough for more.

    Ya see – that's the guy thing. Ya'll insiste we learn how to speak and under stand gal – ya'll should learn to speak guy. We might 'say' it's age, money, job, kid expenses, health or any other number of 'practical' reasons. But what we 'mean' is "We just don't know that we can handle any more – and until we know if we can or not – the answer has to be no."

    Truth be told – there's not a one of us that likes giving that answer – we see how it effect our brides and we hate that – but it's the only answer that we can give right now. To say anything else is wrong to everyone involved, our brides, our current kids, and most importantly – to the adoptive child!

    And we don't like it any more than ya'll do…but adoptive parents know that there is just.a.big.old.bunch.of.stuff in this world that we don't like.

    that help ya'll out any? ;)

    hugs – aus and co.

  44. Katherine says:

    that's exactly where my family has been for years! my parents can't have anymore kids. And we have been practically begging my dad to adopt for a very,very, very, long time. Most of ua have just given up by now :(. I'm just praying that if God wants us to adopt, He'll work out all the details.

  45. I don't really have anything different to say…but based on our experience, I was the one with the God given desire to adopt first. I made the mistake of nagging in my attempt to convince my then-reluctant dh. I was just SO PASSIONATE that I lost sight of my dh's feelings. And his desire to be the leader too. After getting it that MY pushing would not convince him, I turned to PRAYER and more prayer.
    I learned to not barrage him every single day with photos and stats, but to limit it to, oh, once a week! (or less)

    I just asked my dh to honestly seek God's will and desires, and be open to the idea. Then I backed off.

    So, here we are, with one adopted child, and two more on the way! (added to our 4 bio kids)

    This time, my heart began to turn for Ethiopia, but my dh had not done any of the research I did. It was very helpful for me to send him links and stats on the state of orphans there, so he could let a love take root.

    Also-make sure it is not YOU trying to get your way, but ask God to expose your heart to make sure it is not your own idea, but God-led. I had to work on that one! :)

  46. Praying and Praying and more praying without nagging…and God took care of it. He assured my husband…and now we are going to China in about 3 weeks! YeeHaw

  47. Stef…you have no idea how vital this post is!!!! Get this post up and QUICKLY!!!! I talked to a group at my church yesterday and this too was the biggest sutmbling block for many families (including my own:)

  48. I am back to say…you don't need to write that post after all….the answer is here and just what I have done…Pray and wait….pray and wait. gently share your heart and pray and wait:)

    Thanks to all of your readers for their suggestions. i think they hit the nail on the head:)

  49. Pray and ask him to pray to. Pray for clarity, God's timing and for God to open your husbands heart to adoption if that is his plan for you. I have been there and God did change my husbands heart – it took a few months. I did not nag but we both did pray.

    I have felt called to adopt a second time and my husband has not. I respect this but continue to pray for God's leading. Sometimes I think God puts the desire in our hearts to see if we are willing to give up something to follow him, but we are not always supposed to act. My husband not agreeing the second time might be God's plan. God might have just been "testing" me to see if I was willing to trust him with a second adoption – making sure that I am fully trusting him with my life.

  50. Pray that God will change my heart or change my husband's. And I ask my husband to pray, too.

  51. groovy mama says:

    Good post topic…
    as far as me, YES i will say PRAYER is the only way to someones heart, whether it is the husband or the wife. I see from the previous comments, it has been quite affective for the wifes!
    Can't wait to see the 'whooper' post!
    Donna

  52. Love reading these responses, and I agree with all the above about praying!! I would also add that if God is leading you to adoption He is also leading you to care about the orphan in a broader sense, so while you are waiting and praying than do something, anything, and if you can, get your hubby involved so he can see the need first hand! Sponsor a child, help someone else fund raise, etc.

    My hubby and I had the chance to work in a special needs orphanage near Beijing when I was preggy with our 2nd child, and the first day we were there meeting all the kiddos he turned to me and said the words I had been praying to hear for a while: 'honey, let's adopt!' And now if that paperwork would just get processed….!:)

  53. Lori Printy says:

    maybe the more diffucult question is how do you remain patient while God works on RH's heart?

  54. Oh girl. How I need this upcoming post. The comments along have been a source of comfort knowing that I am not alone in my hearts desire.
    As you know our adoption journey started with an application to adopt a daughter from China in 2006. God planted this hearts desire in my husband during his 1st business trip to China in Dec 2005. Then our amazing God threw us a curve ball with the blessed surprise of a domestic adoption of TWINS that put the breaks on the international adoption! Fast forward three years, our GOD moves us to China. As you know, my heart still longs for that Chinese daughter .. but my hubby says we are DONE with five blessings.
    And all I can do is continue this endless cycle of prayer, fasting, and surrendering. In the meantime, my heart is breaking thinking we are leaving one behind.
    Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
    Kim

  55. Ok. I have to admit that I think you are beautiful and sweet…but I have been so jealous of you and other moms online who have adopted multiple times. There are often posts made about how all Christians should adopt. It hurts when you are open to adopting, longing for it and your husband says no. About 2 months after bringing home our daughter, my husband became very angry. Let me tell you, I actually started to worry for my marriage…I had felt very secure before this. It got bad. He finally admitted to me that he DOES NOT want to adopt. He is angry with me for even wanting it, because he knows it is the higher road, but he will not do it again. At this point, my family is in crisis. I am just trying to keep everything together. On a more biblical note….aren't we supposed to obey and honor our husbands? I know women who have ruined their marriages over issues like birth control and doctrine in their church. I read a book called…Created to Be His Helpmeet. Basically, we women think we are more spiritual than our husbands and become unhappy trying to change them. Well, anyway, this subject is painful for me. I have chosen to be happy with our one adopted daughter and have chosen to love my husband as he is.

  56. Barbie Huff says:

    I am also very excited to read the upcoming post on this subject! I too like the previous commenter have actually felt jealous over all of the multiple adoptions! I do rejoice though that these children are getting families! We have been blessed with 3 bio children 21, 18, and 16 and one adopted daughter from China July 2005! she is 6 now! My husband says we are done!! I am desperate to adopt again! I would love for Olivia to have a sister close to her in age! In just 2 short years she will be the only child still at home and that makes me so sad! my husband and I are currently involved in starting an Orphan Mission at our church and he is definitely an advocate for adoption! I just keep praying that he will have a desire to adopt again! Nothing is impossible with God! I just pray his heart will change before we age out of the China Program we are almost 42 and 45 years old!
    Blessings!
    Barbara Huff :)

  57. Lori Printy says:

    great article…thanks for having the courage to ask this question…you inpsired me

    http://fiveofmyown.blogspot.com/2011/02/advice-on-reluctant-husbands.html

  58. I posted a little earlier but just thought of another important thing to do. If your hubby says 'yes' the first time, make sure you take him to the orphanage while in China. More than likely, he will eventually feel the desire to adopt again. :)
    "Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12

  59. That's the boat I'm in (of course, right now, I'm finishing up my Masters to teach elementary school and our finances wouldn't allow adoption but the conversation does come up).I desperately want to adopt and my husband only wants to have bio kids. I'd love to do both. As time goes on (and we continue to take longer to get pregnant), he seems to be opening up to the idea but I think that if we had the money now, he'd probably still say "no." So, what do I do? Well, I pray and wait (patience is not a strong suit of mine). We are both intrigued by Chinese culture and if I can get him on board, I'm sure that's where we'll adopt from. For now, I gently bring up the topic to him from time to time and wait and hope that he changes his mind. Like I said, I pray alot too. :-)

  60. Sharon Ankerich says:

    We are praying for #3 from China right now. have to be home 6 months so that gives us a month to be ready… God is moving both of us along the journey!!! Want to be completely in His will~ not mine!!!
    Joy to you!!!

  61. He has ALWAYS been open, until now! Asking for child four–impossible, brick wall striking moment! So what do I do—PRAY and pray and pray! God can change those stubborn hearts, even when hubby thinks he can't possibly find more of himself to share with a fourth.

  62. pray, pray, pray!

    just found your blog…way cute :)

  63. aust2china says:

    You just keep naggin til he says, yes, don't you?!!! I'm kidding! As with 98% of the responses… prayer…. which of course requires patience – which I lack. I'm in that boat at the moment. I feel so strongly that God is calling us to adopt (SN), hubs just isn't there. :( If he is adamant its a no… then I told him he needs to deal with God!! hahahaha!
    Lee-Anne
    aust2china

  64. So many of us out there in the same situation! The enemy had me believing that I was alone and that adoption was a selfish desire I had, prayed for 3 years for hubby’s heart to change or for God to take away my adoption desires if they were not His will…..now here we are fundraising to adopt a llttle girl on the “special needs” list from China!!!! The Lord changes hearts in His timing in accordance with His will. And He works miracles! Changing a heart is a miracle that only he can do and it is beautiful 1 Most important thing I prayed for was love, I prayed that God would give me love for my husband and for Him,whether I was granted my hearts desire or not, to love unconditionally and love well, both my God and my man. It is easy to love someone when their heart matches yours, not as easy to do when it doesn’t…..but with God all things are possible!

  65. OH boy. I am working on something similar b/c I am on the other end of this deal now.

    But to answer your question: PRAY and be silent about it!

    Now this works for me as “being silent” is … ahem … well, it is H.A.R.D. for this loud mouth God gave me. LOL!

    But you know, when the Prez brings it up … I KNOW it is from the Lord and that sure does feel right.

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