I’m back. In case you didn’t know, I’ve been back for over a week. But, just in the last few days, I finally feel like I am back. For real.
I was able to fall asleep pretty easily from the night I arrived home, but what was lacking was my quality of sleep. I landed at 7PM on Friday night utterly exhausted. Something about a 28 hour travel day, cramped airline seats and a busy toddler making sleep a virtual impossibility. Although my body seemed to be resting an appropriate number of hours at night, my brain was not. I took it upon myself to get off the Lunesta by night 3 and that, not surprisingly, made it even harder to rest. But I’m sort of fond of the fact that I don’t have to follow a 12-step program, so I figured I’d better get off the stuff… asap. By my 5th night home I was sleeping pretty well on my own (multiple child wakings do not help one feel rested in the AM, though). And now, PTL, I am sleeping soundly, when the kids are cooperating.
But I feel different since coming home. Changed somehow. I am not sure when or why it happened, or what it all will ‘look’ like when God is done with this current metamorphosis, but it’s definitely something I am working through and trying to mentally process. I do believe that mine and my sister’s death scare on our flight to Guangzhou has something to do with it. The entire story sounds actually humorous in retrospect, but the fact is, we both felt on the edge of death for those few minutes after our plane failed to land. All I could think of was my kids… and how I would be leaving them without a mother. Through this, God managed to get it through my thick skull that He wants me to change. Change my mind, change my heart, and by virtue of those changes, change my life. And not in what one might consider to be huge, obvious ways, but ways that matter to my family. And obviously, to Him. So I am working on that. Trying to figure out what that is going to look like for me. Trying to figure out what in my life is worth pursuing and what is not. Trying to figure out where this blog fits in. Where all the ‘extra’ things fit it, and if, indeed, they do fit. Any more.
Just so happens that New Year’s happened somewhere in there. And our church is (we did find a new church, which is absolutely amazing, btw) in the midst of a new series about, you guessed it, change. So I’m thinkin’ the big neon signs have been posted: I need to get my shirtsleeves rolled up and get to work on this. It’s caused me to take a long, hard, and quite uncomfortable look at how I spend my time. How intentional, or NOT, in my case, I am. How I have spent much (too much) of my time being carried away by my whims, my personal ease, more so than by my convictions, aspirations and God-given passions. I believe God wants us to go through life with purpose and intent, with our eyes on the prize. But what, exactly, is the prize? And am I living my life in a way that is pointing me in the direction of that prize? Am I even facing the general direction of the prize? Or am I letting life sweep me away, without offering any resistance and without considering the consequences?
There are some wonderful things that have been accomplished in the last year: Shepherd joined our family and is doing great. We moved and got settled in our new home. No Hands But Ours became a reality. (P.S. I still need your stories! Your stories! Yeah, YOU!!) I started reading my Bible again, daily, and I am close to being at the halfway point. I am taking a photography class and have learned a lot, but even more, I’ve learned how much more I need to know. And I have started a small business with two other amazing women, one you probably know…. more TBA on that soon. Sooo, I keep telling myself, it’s not like all my time has been frittered away. But I can’t shake the feeling that God wants more of me. Much more. And when I truly inspect how I spend my time, I can’t honestly say I don’t have more to give Him.
Stefanie,
This is an exciting post..seeing what God wants of you is always exciting. I feel on the brink of change for HIM too. I am starting Beth Moore’s study this week (with Beth Moore in person!) and I think big changes are on the way for me too. Listen with an open heart. You are SUCH an amazing person and I am sure He has BIG plans for you:)
Hugs,
Kim
well you know change is as good as a hoilday only hopefully your hoilday doesnt mean shutting down your blog!!! I would so so so so MISS ya!!! And I need to know how your family grows…..
Oh how I feel the same thoughts. In fact, last Monday I resigned my position as a PT recruiter with a fabulous company that let me work from home and choose my hours! What was I thinkning?!?!!? My husband and I prayed for a clear decision and did I ever get a answer when we were in Mexico. I’ll probably blog about it later. I’m with you girl, I’m up for whatever HE wants me to do. As long as we’re open and willing, he will lead us…It should be exciting!!!
What the heck happend as your were landing in Guangzhou??? Did I miss a post??
God bless you my friend,
Amy
Stefanie-you inspire me…you always have. I am so excited to see where He will lead you.
I struggle within myself all the time. I know in my heart, in my head that there is more that I am supposed to do. That God wants more from me but I have not quite figured it all out yet. I know I will get there…Keep posting please.
I have been thinking about you a lot. I kept visiting your blog for updates. I just wanted to know that you were home safe and back to normal….what ever normal is LOL
Sending big {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you my friend.
Stefanie,
I have enjoyed reading your blog for the past few months and really appreciate your last post. With all you do, my first thought is that your change may be doing less and being in His presence more. You give so many people, in addition to your family, encouragement and laughter but sometimes it is a heavy weight to carry.
I struggle with doing for God and not sitting as His feet like Mary. I enjoy such a variety of activities and people that my head is a buzz constantly with ideas and I often let the tyranny of the urgent overtake my life and begin to leave the most important part out — God. I think in the business of life with a large family, and in your case a lot of talent and energy, the struggle of where to put your time will constantly be an issue but you are in a good place.
I encourage you to get your husband and a couple of honest friends to help as you prayerfully evaluate your time, focus and energy.
I have been thinking lately about the widow who gave all she had and Jesus commended her giving not based on how much she gave but how much she had left, which showed her heart. So many times I feel like I give big but I really keep the largest portion for myself or other idols I have placed ahead of my relationship with God. Most people would not think this because I get a lot accomplished and enjoy serving others but in the quiet of your heart you know the time you squander when your heart’s desire is to redeem each minute in light of eternity.
God bless you as you go about this seemingly daunting task. Remember, He is faithful who began a good work in you.
You are a beautiful person inside and out but God loves you the same even when your not. We serve a great God!
Stand Firm,
Tracie
You are amazing, girl. Our pastor was preaching today & he mentioned Casting Crown's song, "Lifesong" and he talked about (& we reflected on) CAn we "Sign HIS name to the end oft his day?" I often wonder if I am doing "enough" or even trying some days…can I really sign HIS name; the NAME above ALL NAMES to MY DAY????????? Really?????? I am so unworthy….
it is good to "see" you back, can't wait to hear about the business! And I have a couple of pictures of Mya with Cole in them I need to send Andrea. I wish your sis would start a blog, so we could watch him grow! You know, since my daughter & Cole saw each other EVERY DAY in China!! I love to show her as much as I can about a past that she clearly loved and was loved!!!
This was such a great post! I have had so many similar thoughts buzzing around my brain as well.
Listen with that big heart of yours, girl…HE will lead you & protect you!
Praying for you!
Patricia
I think God takes us through peaks and valleys for a reason – to teach us different things. Sometimes those valleys force us to master (or try to anyways) persistence, discipline, contentment, etc. And the peaks? They teach us to listen more closely, to pray constantly and to obey. I’m glad you are starting a climb, my friend.
Dear Stefanie,
Wow! You are such an amazing and extremely humble servant of our Lord’s.
God always asks us to change and grow and stretch.
I need to stress the important impact you have had on me, all your children and EVERYONE who knows you by adopting your 4 beautiful children from China.
Taking them on as your own and raising them with love, faith and security is the greatest gift.
And the correction of Jude and Shepherd’s feet. We are God’s hands and feet on this earth and you gave those precious boys a chance to be the same for others.
You are filling all of your children with the gifts every child deserves and you are an example to them as how to live, truly live.
Your time thus far has been more than worth it to God and you had a hand in bringing Cole home too…God see’s all of this and says…hmmm…what more can I have her do to show my love to the world…It’s absolutely NOT because you haven’t done enough…It’s because you are so good at what you do…
My prayers will be with you…
S. Kim,OSB
I went through the same regrouping and thoughts when I was going through cancer. There is just something to wondering (really wondering) what your children will remember of you if you go home to soon.
God is using you in amazing ways. I’m sure with your listening heart, he will continue to do so.
Many Blessings!
Stefanie, I do think experinces like you had in GZ. make us all rethink things about our “big plan” and if we want to leave this world with a little ripple or a big wave effect. My moment came when Andrew was in his wreck. For me that clarified so many things, How big our God is, how fragile life is, how prayer can move mountains and how good people are. I have struggled in finding my way thru it all and have came to the conclusion that My Best is good enough, I am making a diffrence in the lifes of my children and hopefully that effect ripples out into the world. I try praying everyday for not only people who I know and care about but for people who have hurt others and need it the most. I also pray that God uses me each and every day in His Glory. I do see myself changing and mostly the thing that I see most of all is I find my heart softing. I credit China for that.
I hope whereever God leads you it not far from your Bloggy friends. You inspire so many of us Mom’s with larger familes, that we can do it all, and even if we can’t there is some one out there just like us for support. You my friend are making a huge diffrence in life and we all value you deeply.
Stefanie, Your post was so truly wonderful and honest…I oftentimes think when I am at that point God uses it to tell us WHAT he would have us do…at least STEER us where he wants us…
Thank you for that today.
Might I suggest How People Change (Lane and Tripp)? World Harvest Mission’s Sonship is amazing! And yes, these books/studies are all about change that’s rooted in the Gospel.
So glad you are back! And thank you for blessing us with your thoughts and for sharing your life!
Leigh
Omaha, NE
Wow… what a powerful post Stef. And what perfect timing as it spoke so clearly to my heart as just last night I was muttering about how I felt i was in this sort of spiritual “dry” spell… that I felt I could be doing more.
And then you spoke of the “prize” and I was reminded of my best friends mom who died the day before Thanksgiving… she had awakened the morning of her death, looked at her daughter and said, “The prize for the race of Time, Angie, is Eternity. And I am loving Eternity too much to stay here in Reality”… and she never woke again. She had weeks of preparation- where she’d spend hours out in the garden, falling “asleep”, and then waking completely at peace. She had no fears about what was to come. And that statement says it all. She knew exactly where she was going and who was welcoming her Home.
Wow…Stefanie…you are unstoppable! You have soooo much energy. Don’t forget to take time just to be (I like the saying that we are human beings not human doings….I need to be reminded sometimes). So much of what you say resonates with me. I feel like I’m at a crossroads as well. It will be interesting to see where this takes you. Best wishes!
Stephanie,
I am not religious in the way that you are, but I understand wht you are saying about knowing that there is some change or new direction that is expected of you — to make yourself closer to the you that you can be. Right now, in the frozen north, I have been closing in on that feeling myself. How I would love to get a group of us changlings together — of course, maybe that is what these blogs are, a way to get together — and brainstorm. Acutally, heart-storm.
Just a thought
Suzanne
I could have written this post…..that’s EXACTLY where I am right now……although I’ve been to selfish and unwilling to say it out loud yet. I don’t want to give up certain things, but I know there are some things that JUST HAVE to change in the way I spend my time.
I love reading your blog; it is both inspiring and helpful, as well as funny and real! You are amazing, and you seem to have limitless energy and a bottomless heart, too. I am sure that God will lead you, in His own time, to what lies in store next for you. Thanks for such a beautiful post. And I’m so glad you are home – safe and sound! I bet your kids and hubby were thrilled to have you home!
All the best,
Nicole A. in OH
Hey Stef. Excellent post. God does have a way of getting our attention :O).
The prize, in my humble opinion, is Him- having Him say, good job my well and faithful servant…
Getting to "the prize" is the fun part.. the hard part.. the rewarding part.. the peaceful part .. the failing (again and again) and Him catching us [again and again] part.. the full surrender part.. the walking with him part..
just that you are feeling and thinking makes me smile.
praying for you to be still and hear Him as He reveals to you.. your next part..
PS>> our appt (for drew) is feb 9th with Dr M.. thanks a lot! :O))
Stefanie, Love it! You go, Girl! Lisa
those tugs are precious indeed. Quiet whispers of the almighty one who loves you and died for you. Confirmation that He is walking beside…
Welcome home.
God must be speaking to both of us my friend.
🙂
-Nicole
I love how you speak so true and from the heart…it is great to hear other peoples standpoints on God’s views and how they affect everyone differently. (p.s. where are you taking a photography class at…I love your photographs and I am looking at any way to get better)