I’m back. In case you didn’t know, I’ve been back for over a week. But, just in the last few days, I finally feel like I am back. For real.
I was able to fall asleep pretty easily from the night I arrived home, but what was lacking was my quality of sleep. I landed at 7PM on Friday night utterly exhausted. Something about a 28 hour travel day, cramped airline seats and a busy toddler making sleep a virtual impossibility. Although my body seemed to be resting an appropriate number of hours at night, my brain was not. I took it upon myself to get off the Lunesta by night 3 and that, not surprisingly, made it even harder to rest. But I’m sort of fond of the fact that I don’t have to follow a 12-step program, so I figured I’d better get off the stuff… asap. By my 5th night home I was sleeping pretty well on my own (multiple child wakings do not help one feel rested in the AM, though). And now, PTL, I am sleeping soundly, when the kids are cooperating.
But I feel different since coming home. Changed somehow. I am not sure when or why it happened, or what it all will ‘look’ like when God is done with this current metamorphosis, but it’s definitely something I am working through and trying to mentally process. I do believe that mine and my sister’s death scare on our flight to Guangzhou has something to do with it. The entire story sounds actually humorous in retrospect, but the fact is, we both felt on the edge of death for those few minutes after our plane failed to land. All I could think of was my kids… and how I would be leaving them without a mother. Through this, God managed to get it through my thick skull that He wants me to change. Change my mind, change my heart, and by virtue of those changes, change my life. And not in what one might consider to be huge, obvious ways, but ways that matter to my family. And obviously, to Him. So I am working on that. Trying to figure out what that is going to look like for me. Trying to figure out what in my life is worth pursuing and what is not. Trying to figure out where this blog fits in. Where all the ‘extra’ things fit it, and if, indeed, they do fit. Any more.
Just so happens that New Year’s happened somewhere in there. And our church is (we did find a new church, which is absolutely amazing, btw) in the midst of a new series about, you guessed it, change. So I’m thinkin’ the big neon signs have been posted: I need to get my shirtsleeves rolled up and get to work on this. It’s caused me to take a long, hard, and quite uncomfortable look at how I spend my time. How intentional, or NOT, in my case, I am. How I have spent much (too much) of my time being carried away by my whims, my personal ease, more so than by my convictions, aspirations and God-given passions. I believe God wants us to go through life with purpose and intent, with our eyes on the prize. But what, exactly, is the prize? And am I living my life in a way that is pointing me in the direction of that prize? Am I even facing the general direction of the prize? Or am I letting life sweep me away, without offering any resistance and without considering the consequences?
There are some wonderful things that have been accomplished in the last year: Shepherd joined our family and is doing great. We moved and got settled in our new home. No Hands But Ours became a reality. (P.S. I still need your stories! Your stories! Yeah, YOU!!) I started reading my Bible again, daily, and I am close to being at the halfway point. I am taking a photography class and have learned a lot, but even more, I’ve learned how much more I need to know. And I have started a small business with two other amazing women, one you probably know…. more TBA on that soon. Sooo, I keep telling myself, it’s not like all my time has been frittered away. But I can’t shake the feeling that God wants more of me. Much more. And when I truly inspect how I spend my time, I can’t honestly say I don’t have more to give Him.