Adding Vivienne to our family has been easy.
Relatively easy.
I mean, adopting a toddler is way different from the way a newborn enters a family… all wrinkled and clueless and malleable. At two years old, Vivi might still be tiny, but she is most definitely not clueless.
She’s experienced a lot in her two years. Too much.
At four months, she was left at the gates of the orphanage. At one year, she was moved from the orphanage to foster care. At two years, she was placed into our arms.
That’s three more familial transitions than any child should ever have to endure. And that has, no doubt, taken a huge toll on her ability and readiness to trust her heart to another.
And I see glimpses of that.
In the way she hesitates to come to me when she’s sad or upset.
In the way she wakes up, thoughtful and occasionally melancholy.
In the way she looks away when her feelings overwhelm her. And she wants to be alone.
And I know she is missing someone.
There is a sadness and a distance in her eyes some days. And on those days I do my best to drop the non-essentials and carry her. To put her on the counter next to me as I cook. To dance around the kitchen with her. To sing in her ear.
And I can feel her soften. And I can see joy sparkle in her eyes again.
But some days it’s just not that simple.
She doesn’t cry when I leave (which isn’t often, but still). She says, “bye, bye!” as she waves from the crook of daddy’s arm. And this saddens me.
She doesn’t call me “mama” unless she really wants something. And she calls everyone “mama” when she really wants something. And this saddens me.
But it’s not really her job to make me happy. And occasionally I have to remind myself of that.
It’s my job to do my very best to make her happy.
And to have faith that day by day, I’m gaining her trust.
And I see that in her smile as she toddles toward me with arms outstretched.
In her sigh as she nestles her head on my shoulder to fall asleep.
In her eyes when she throws her head back to laugh as I swing her around the kitchen.
And I know, little by little, she’s sharing her heart.
To join in this Sunday Snapshot, just grab the code under the Sunday Snapshot button. Paste it into the body of your Sunday Snapshot post. Once you hit ‘publish’ it should show up just fine 🙂 Then add your link into Mr. Linky below. Don’t worry, he won’t bite!
To use Mr. Linky, be sure to link your Sunday Snapshot post, not your main blog url.
To do this, go to your blog. Click on the title of your Sunday Snapshot post. The url in your browser window will become a direct link to your Sunday Snapshot post. Copy that url and paste it into the Mr. Linky window, along with your name, or your blog’s name, whichever you prefer.
These are painful yet sweet days for us, too, as we work to gain Eli's trust. He came home February 12th. I am sure it will be a little while until his heart is here to stay. We will keep you close in prayer.
Hugs,
Janet and gang (Kevin, Ted,Philip, and Eli_
http://threefingerprintsofgod.blogspot.com
There are so many beautiful moments when daughters come home but I share the unfamiliar new pain that comes when she calls everyone "mama". I still keep her close in a crowd so she won't run up with open arms to any person who happens to be taller than her brothers. It's still hard to see her give hugs so tight and full of affection to others, that I was hoping were reserved for only me and daddy.
But you are right, with every laugh and joy comes security and trust building to last a lifetime.
Comforted by your honesty, hopeful from your outlook. Thanks.
What a beautiful outpouring of honesty & hope!
Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
Kim
Stephanie this reminds me of how my little girl was.
My daughter barely smiled, had a sad look in her eyes and would not make eye contact, it really broke my heart. After many months she started to come out of her shell and this precious little girl emerged longing to be held close and loved. Vivi is so blessed to be in a loving,nurturing environment, the good thing is they are so young they will have no recollection of those first years.
I give people that adopt older children so much credit, I can't imagine how challenging that is.
Oh Stefanie…Such a heart-felt post. Reading it is reminding me of our situation with Benjamin (who will be our 3rd child ~ first son that we are praying to travel for this coming summer). He was was abandoned at 5 months old and so far has experienced things no toddler should have to. When we travel for him, he will be 2 1/2 and just that alone is a bit scray for me. Thank you for posting this today. It once again reminds me of the road we are on….where we are going…and where that road will lead us to.
Love the photos of Vivi! I can only imagine you dancing in your kitchen with her (which we do often too in our household here). You are truly an inspiration to not only me but others as well…
Hope you are having a great weekend!
BTW ~ got some updates on our Benjamin! Gotta check them out (have link on SSS post)!
Love your post, your honesty. Prayers for your family and Miss Vivi as she learns to love and trust yet again.
Beautiful:)
Blessings!
Thank you for your transparency in this post. The attachment issues are my biggest fear, and it is wonderful just to get a glimpse of the reality through your post. I may be calling on you for help when my time comes!!!
I also know how you feel. We went through an attachment disorder with our Abigail and to be honest, it was one of the hardest things I (and for sure Abigail) have ever been through.
Thank you for sharing you feelings with us
Ok sista, I am not a big commenter on blogs, but I have to come out of lurkdom for this one. I am bawling right now, like a big, ole' ugly cry. You summed up how we felt about our sweet ray of sunshine, Paige, when we first brought her home at 28 months old. You.summed.it.up.perfectly.
Hold steadfast in your faith and keep Vivi at the forefront (which you are definitely doing!) You are an amazing mama and she will love you like no other…you know, it just takes time for them.
Paige loves us and trusts us like there is no tomorrow, but it took a long time. We used to be so sad that she would want others to comfort her, but it was a fleeting time and I know it will be for you all, too.
Blessings girl and keep on, keepin' on!
Oh God bless you little heart. She truly is in the arms of the people God wants her to be in.
Love and blessings, Kristy
Oh God bless you little heart. She truly is in the arms of the people God wants her to be in.
Love and blessings, Kristy
I particularly love the honesty of this post! As a momma who will be bringing home a toddler (hopefully soon), there are definite realities to try to prepare for–and pray about! Thanks for sharing.
I love this honest, thought-provoking post. I know it will be amazing to look at sweet Vivi in a year and see how far she's come! Blessings to you!
Rachel
I am so thankful for your open honesty. And I am so thankful for your sweet compassion and patience with Vivi. She is blessed with your family. And you, in turn with her. Praying for you.
So beautifully written and I think anyone who has ever adopted can relate. I have told people that Will and HArry were born loving and trusting me but i had to EARN Kate's trust and that is much harder…but oh the reward is ever so sweet when it happens:) God bless you, Stef!
Stefanie,
miss Vivi certainly is beautiful!! I could so relate to your thoughts – she sounds so much like Sadie was when she came home. That 'blank stare' when she was feeling overwhelmed, when I knew she had shrunk back in her shell was so common. She never cried when I left either..and she called a lot of people 'mama' too. She was *easy* really, too *easy* and that made it hard. Hannah had demanded everything I had to give from day 1..and I gave it..and we connected. Sadie was sweet and fun, but she was not demanding. not at all. And two year olds..they're supposed to be demanding. Now, coming up on 2 years later? Sadie is still the easy-going personality, but she is mine all the way and she knows it. I can't remember the last time I saw that 'blank stare' and she lets me love her and she loves right back with a fierce love. No confusion on who her family is now. It's beautiful when it happens..and it will happen.
DeEtte
DeEtte
Oh, this is so real and heartfelt. Brings back memories. Thank you for sharing your feelings…Vivi AND your entire family are so blessed…each day her trust will grow.
My second sunday. I like this. Hope I can keep going with it even though I work my longest day on Sundays!
Thanks once again for sharing Stef.
These are experiences many of us have lived through. Josiah went through 5 transistions….we were his fifth family placement and e was nly 21 months old when we met him. His trust took a very very long time.
It's a process and sometimes, quite frankly it hurts. It hurts our child, it hurts us…but little by little and bit by bit…our hearts are woven together.
Inseperable.
You truly have a gift for writing about the beauty of your family. While I have not adopted, your blog has constantly inspired me to be thankful everyday for the kids I have, to have a sense of humor about the hard times in life and to be happy with the small things in life. You are incredibly inspirational and I am so grateful that you share your life on this blog. It has inspired me! I look forward to the post when Vivi trusting you is no longer on your heart but a realty so interwoven in the fabric of your lives that you wondered how it was ever a question.
Wishing you all the best,
Jenny
Their attachment is slow and precious and it has been such a miracle to witness!
I love these raw posts! You always have a way of making it so relatable. It is such a leap of faith and you seem like you are all doing exactly what you all need. There is nothing better than when you cross that line of needing and wanting.
Tammy
Love the honesty of this post. I have experienced some of this too as my kids have bonded at various speeds. I still see glimpses of insecurity in some of them, but overall they have made such wonderful strides to overcome their difficult beginnings. It will be wonderful to 'watch' Vivi making progress on your blog. 🙂 In the meantime…I know it's so sad to have them call everyone mama, or go to anyone for comfort.
Oh that post makes my heart hurt for her … and for you! Especially when you say that she is thoughtful and missing someone far away.
But the very fact that you "see" these things and "know" her thoughts and honor them and value them even if it's not what YOU may want to hear … that is a mother! You are so mature to remind yourself and know that it's not about you … wow. You are a cool person. And a cool mom. She will see that soon … when she can trust her heart to you. Oh the patience for that must be killing at times. The photos are so sweet! And dancing in the kitchen at the drop of the hat "just because"–well who couldn't love that? 🙂
sigh…makes me think of my boy
I so often think of all the heartbreaking things these babies have to endure – things that you & I will never know what it truly feels like to be in their shoes – things no one should ever have to go through – these big transitions – that they ever learn to trust us at all is an act of God (one I am VERY thankful for!!) I am rejoicing with you today in the steps that Vivienne has taken to let you into her precious heart.
I love seeing her in pictures – I think she is so beautiful!
how very, very well i know this story… and could have written these words myself. i haven't found my words to post about it yet, but you covered so much of what i see in Ellis with her 4 years of history coming to us…
Stef, while I have not experienced this, I certainly understand it. My prayer is that ViVi will gain your trust and bond quickly. Hugs
Oh Stefanie,
my heart just aches for your little Vivi!!!
What these sweet ones have endured…
definitely impacts how they guard their hearts!!!
I know in time she will give you her heart…piece by precious piece!!
Y'all are in my prayers!!
Hugs!!!
I am so glad you are sharing this. I think it is such an important reminder about what our role is in our children's lives.