I have to say, I was blown away by the response to ‘the ugly, beautiful truth‘ post. It is an issue that we, as adoptive parents, wrestle with prayerfully and thoughtfully. It is not something to take lightly or offhandedly, as our decisions today will certainly affect the way our children feel about themselves tomorrow.
I expect that every adoptive parent who read that post will have their own take on how best to share with their child what they know of their past. And that’s a good thing. I love that I was able to ‘stir the pot’ so to speak, and bring this not- so- happy topic to the forefront for a bit. Honestly, it forced me to really ponder it all personally. And if there is a subject that deserves thought and consideration, this is one.
I want to thank you all for your comments, I really gleaned so much from reading each and every one. So if you took the time to comment and share your heart, thank you.
One commenter especially stood out. Mandy Parks, a Korean Adult Adoptee (KAD), shared some outstanding thought on her own story of abandonment as an infant, adoption into an American family and how her parents shared her story with her.
I think it’s a must read. It will enlighten you, and it will move you. It certainly did me. Thank you, Mandy, for your candor and your transparency.
“I am a Korean Adoptee who came home when I was 7 mos. old. I have no information other than the fact that I was abandoned at birth. I have grown up with the facts, ie. NO INFORMATION at all, but was also told that my birth mother must have loved me to SOME degree to carry me in her stomach for 9 months and endure the pains of labor to bring me into this world. She then left me at a place where she knew I had high chances of being found. She did not wrap me up in a trash bag and throw me away, like we hear about here in the U.S. It may be “fabricated” as we can’t prove it, but I choose to believe that my birth mom made the ultimate sacrifice to give me up and seek a better future for me.
Without this to hold on to and to believe in, I don’t think I would have made it this far in my life. As an adult, with children of my own, I know that “my birth mother loved me and chose a better life for me” is not FACT, but it is what I choose to believe in my heart and I thank my parents for presenting that idea to me as I was growing up. It’s very hard to feel abandoned and unwanted, even with the support of a loving family. Just another opinion from the opposite side of the triad…“
And later she added:
“I felt as though I should add some background to my story so as to be more clear on why I feel this way. (I also think that being able to write about this and not be judged is therapeutic for me, so thanks.)
I am a 32 year old KAD who came home at 7 mos. I have struggled with abandonment issues my entire life. I have no information in regards to my adoption except for the fact that I was abandoned. I have no idea if my birth date is accurate and correct. I do know that I have 2 amazing and loving parents. I love them more than words could ever express and to me they are my “REAL” parents. They have always done the best they could in dealing with my adoption issues, but resources were limited for them, as I was the last part of the first generation of KAD’s. There weren’t a lot of post placement services offered as I was growing up. Even though I know that my parents love me and are always there for me, there is a woman somewhere in this world who gave me away. That in itself just kills a part of me from the inside out. Someone on the other side of the world gave birth to me and gave me away/left me. Logically I know that it wasn’t my fault, I was a baby and I did nothing wrong. That doesn’t diminish the pain, hurt, and shame that comes from being abandoned.
I know that it’s not a “fact” that my birth mother loved me. I know it can’t be proven, unless I were to find her and ask her. I do know that “more than likely” she did love me to some degree. She cared enough to do all the things that led me to my forever family, starting with carrying me to term, ending with letting me go. If all I had were the “facts”, ie. there was a woman, she gave birth to you, she left you, we know nothing else about it, BUT WE as your parents love you very much, I honestly think that I would have had an even harder time dealing with it all.
I do see your point about not lying to your children and fabricating “fairy tales”, but I don’t think it’s wrong to suggest that their birth mother must have loved/cared about them in some way. I just can’t imagine asking my parents if my birth mother at least loved me, and having them look me in the eye and tell me that they’re not sure, they don’t know..or just a flat out no. I’ve had some very dark days in my life (in regards to my adoption/abandonment issues) and I will say that I leaned heavily on the thought that my birth mom did the best she could and acted out of love for me. I realize that each family is different and you all have to do what works best for your family. I do not judge your choices on how you approach these issues with your children.
I just wanted to provide my perspective as an adoptee who has dealt with these issues first hand. Thanks for letting me share.”