This is neither appropriate nor even remotely polite to post here.
But I want to share it, nonetheless.
Because this? Is my life.
I am not a drinker. Maybe, with my girlfriends, or with my husband on a special occasion, I might have a beer. But on this occasion, on this day, make mine a double. Please.
You see, I just came up from one of the most horrific duties of parenting an internationally adopted child.
Can you guess?
Have you been there?
I had to collect the poop sample.
Actually, the collecting wasn’t so bad, now that this particular (and unnamed) child is potty trained.
1. Insert “hat” into toilet.
2. Bribe child.
3. Wait.
It was what had to happen after that. The #s 4-10 that were so bad. So awful. So ridiculously yucky, I repeated to myself. Over and over again.
If you’ve ever had to collect and then deposit such a sample into four insanely small containers, all half-filled with an unknown liquid, while trying to cover your mouth and nose with your shirt, with rubber covered hands, while trying to deftly manage a wooden tongue depressor carrying said ‘sample’, you know of which I speak.
If you’ve been there, then you and I? We are bonded. We are sisters.
But if you’ve never had to collect and deposit such a sample, I ask that you stop right now and count your lucky stars. And start preparing for the day you might have such duties thrust upon you.
Now that it’s over, and all samples are snugly and securely placed into their many, many layers of ziploc baggy, and I have showered and perfumed and thoroughly de-‘sampled’ myself, I am relieved, if not completely joyful that this job is over. But I just can’t seem to manage to go on with my day.
My head is buzzing with memories.
And a double, I imagine, would be just the ticket for some sweet relief.
But, like I said, I’m not really a drinker. So I’ll have to find the next best thing.
Except M&M’s aren’t sounding so good to me.
For some strange reason.
We are sisters! Make mine a double shot espresso, mochaccino!
I had to do this twice when we brought Taylor home last December.
Been there, done that.
Stink for you . . . both literally and figuratively! 😉
-Karen
Firstbrook Five
Been there, done that. Yippee for us. 🙂
Oh, I'm with you on that one sister! Ugh and double ugh!
Yeah, well I am not out of the woods yet on the potential to have to administer an enema on somebody, so… not laughing and not sorry for you yet.
Signed,
Sick to death of talking about POOP
Yep, we're sisters. I've been there twice and found it pretty nasty both times. It just confirmed that I'm really not suited for any job in the medical field. 🙂
hey sister- done it– only 6 weeks ago… and it was TEN bottles- the gag factor was in full gear and yes, i had at least 1 wine cooler after that awful morning…
oh girl, i know the poop pain. and i'm with 'ya… why oh why do they have to make those viles so small. gross. good job being a great mom.
Oh my goodness that was hysterical!! They don't tell you that when sign up to adopt. Mmmm, guess I'll have that to look forward to. Hope the boys don't poop at the same time…oh dear.
hahahahahahaha!
I shouldn't laugh at your expense, but, really, thanks for the chuckle!
Oh, I can SO RELATE. We can put a man on the moon but we can't find an easier way to make "collections". It's ridiculous.
And listen, my darling daughter has been home almost a year and I still have not approached her about this. The "hat" is still stashed away somewhere in my bathroom. I'm in denial. Completely.
I think a double is highly appropriate. At least for this one occasion.
Botttoms up.
Yep, been there done that, seven times…heading there again…I don't drink either, but I will make an exception with this the eighth time coming up, you know? Cuz, you can only take so much…
Oh, my word! I sooo hated that, and I tried to convince the nurse that I just couldn't do it, but she seemed to have no simpathy and simply handed me the vials. It's even worse than having to take a cat's stool sample to the vet; w/ them, you just scoop, bag, and be done with it. I soooo am feeling your pain!
BTDT…he-he! The Joys of motherhood!
been there done that with my first adoptee. They have not had us do it with the 2nd
Oh goodness, such joys to look forward too. I can't wait 🙂
Yikes! Maybe you need a big ole piece of key lime pie instead of anything "chocolate"! LOL
We had to do this for both babes at the same time for 10 days in a row… that's 20xin 10 days!!!! And then I had to store all the "stuff" till we turned it in! And you can't really put it in the fridge cause that's just WRONG! The sight of a tongue depressor will never be the same. .
You rock girlfriend! You can do ANYTHING now!
Been there and done that. Hardest part is convincing the kid that you worked so hard to potty train that it's now okay to poop into something else besides the potty!
I'm so sorry for you. BTDT Sister. They made me collect 3 consecutive samples. Still a bit traumatized over the whole thing one year later.
Yeah, been there and done that! LOL!
Oh My, I totally just finished doing that myself! Ugh! I comfort myself with chocolate myself! lol
The worst part was the stirring!!! Ack!!!!! It was just awful! I about choked when I read that part of the instructions. Stir??!!
Big shout out to ya sista! Been.there.done.that. Once for me and then for Jackson. My oldest 2 are able to remember my own experience and when blood tests are involved for them and they start to fret, I have only one question for them…would you rather do this or the POO-POO TEST????? They sit rather still for the blood to be drawn!!!
Oh sister, could I tell you a story about collecting a stool sample. If one of your other kids did not go into the bathroom and retrieve said sample before you could then you have not even begun to experience the horrors of this wonderful job. And just one question, why is this always a mothers job?
I need another post of why you had to collect a stool sample.
I've yet to need to collect a sample from the kids, but I did have to collect a yearly sample from the dogs…we had them for about 10+ years. Ewwoohh
Been there, done that and had to put in the fridge until we were ready to leave for the doctor. May I saw EWWWWWWWWWW
yuck!!!! Yes I have been there a few times…and yes it is icky!!!!! Just plain gross!!!!!
{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}
I made my hubby do one and I just listened to the gags from the other room. It's a bad deal.
Ohhh, this just caused me some post-traumatic stress. We had to do 2 with our little guy from Africa…I will spare the details, but I think I may top a few stories, & you may seriously consider a drink if I did go into detail! I do believe I indulged myself in several bad words to get me through it. Not a good thing, but it kept me from drinkin'! ;o) Oh, & I also informed my husband that on that day, I deserved some sort of combat pay!
ewwwww…m&m's….yeah – I wouldn't go there either!
Hugs,
Carla
Done it and almost lost my lunch. My hubby would NOT help. I had less than stellar words for him. I had to do it for me too…later…as I was so sick and kept losing weight and they thought I might have gotten a parasite in China. I didn't. But NOBODY should EVER have to scoop poop and stir it into a test tube with whatever the heck that crap is (pun intendend). UGH. I think I cried when I did mine!
okay, I cried a lot back then! 🙂 And to add insult to injury…you have to label what FORM the poop was in before you squished it into the tube…as in the consistency of the freaking poop. I know, I know. I feel your pain girl.
I think beer is horrid but maybe a pint of icecream??
I don't drink either – but even after just READING this, *I* need one 😉
Hahahaha!!! BTDT! I used a chip bag clip to clamp my nose shut and I had to do 2 kids at once!! Ye Haw! The kids thought it was funny though, especially when I acted like I was being pulled into the bathroom by the giant poop monster!!! LOL!
Hello Sister. OH my word. One of ours had salmonella once. OH I really really really think you need a double. : )
Hey sistah! I'm really good at plugging my nose. Thankfully.
BTDT…we're doing it right now with DD. Best of luck!!!
Oh goodness all the smells and memories just came flooding back..BARF!!!
Since M&M's don't sound so good, how about a Baby Ruth?
Just had to go there, but YOU went there first!
Oh yeah…we've bonded, sistah-friend…also been there done that…yuck…so.not.fun.
Now go get a tin of camphor & inhale!!
The title brought me over- I just had to check out the post!
I had the hat, took one look at our daughter and decided right then and there… she was fine!
Now that you mention it- I think I did this with our birth children about 23 years ago. We had a little bug that joined our family! ewwww!
Just in case you are wondering – I did not get it!! I was quite pleased that my hand washing techniques where above average!!
ugh…been there too many times to count! 🙂
Hi sister! 🙂
My favorite part about it (can you believe I even have a favorite part?) was the one time I dropped off samples at the lab for our horribly GI-challenged babes and the technician (who was a new one I'd never seen before) said, oh is this sample number one or two? And I said "Well actually I just asked my husband that very question and he counted how many times we've been here and these are samples number 16 and 17." The lady nearly fell off her chair.
So… I'm guessing brownies don't sound good right about now either, do they? (Kidding, I'm kidding. Been there, done that, need a latte just to recover from THINKING about it.)
Haven't had to do "that" but do have some fond memories of trying to get a urine sample from a newborn…..tape (yes, I said TAPE) plastic bag over his little man parts and nurse like crazy!! It was taking the baggie off that was the tricky part………..sure hope I'll still get grandchildren in the future….lol
Ok, we are sisters for sure! I've done that many samples with it having to be done on two different days..double fun! Not the same as diapers, because with diapers it's the quick swipe two or three times and then fold diaper, and throw immediately into garbage or pail. Yes, the odor will make you gag, but we are so brave, us mamas!
Ugh, I am with you sister… we have had one very sick little boy in our house this week and I got to "collect" as well. Once didn't get the job done so we had to do it a couple of times… I am so tired of poo in our house this week! Hoping we are seeing the end… I'd love a very large bowl of ice cream, or a really good coffee (we live 1 1/2 hours from the closest good coffee shop and I'd love to sleep for hours to catch up since nights have been short in the sleep all week!
Hope the results are ok for your litte one!
gayly
Actually – BTDT a number of times with our three adopteds! But since I'm the 'lab rat' I releived my bride of this task….
Just a couple things – put vicks vapor rub under your nose…it blots out everything! I won't bother you with the names for the 'unnamed liquid' – but your lab should use the containers with the little spoons in the cap – 3 spoons = sufficient sample!
Oh – and since I'm a guy (and your husband looks like he's a great guy and we'd probably get along well IRL) – can I be your brother instead? 😉
hugs – drinking is good – aus and co.
Oh, Stefanie, ew, I am so sorry but can't help laughing!
Just have a glass (or two) of chilled chardonnay. It's light, pleasant, refreshing and it'll do the job. Go ahead, girl. Enjoy that.
http://funnylittlepollywogs.com
We are sisters then!! LOL~
oh sister, sister! done that F-O-U-R time already a few months ago! and yes, Y-U-C-K-Y but D-0-N-E and hope not to repeat in a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng time!
and don't laugh anyone…….(including me as I go back to those memories!)
Been there done that & will do again next year when we bring the next one home! UGH!
I am now mentally reliving a repressed memory. Thanks, sister. LOL
How funny! I just got a call today from the international adoption clinic patient coordinator today about our appt. on the 8th. It seems the receptionist forgot to tell me about the poop sample when I made the appt. I will be checking back on your post on the 7th for collection tips! Thanks:)
Been there. NOT fun!!!!!!
Oh, I've so been there! Thankfully I forgot about it (until now). 🙂
I know it's not the same but I have to do this with my dog all the time. Have you ever tried to collect a urine sample from a dog who is trained to pee in the grass and not a cup? But the worst is what to do with the stool sample after I get it into a baggie and then tupperware (that will get immediately thrown away thankyouverymuch) and then likely another bag or tupperware? Keep in the fridge? Outside? And then the looooog car drive that is 500 times longer than normal because you are keenly aware of what sits in the passenger seat!
Been there, done that. Yuck. I feel your pain. Why the containers are that particular size is a mystery. My favorite part is delivery to the clinic that is at the very end of a huge building. Lovely. I can understand your not wanting chocolate at this moment. I would go with Skittles. 🙂
Ok…I'm with the other gal above who asked "WHY" you have to collect the sample??? I've not had my doctor asked for them. Tell me what they are for.
WOW! I had NO IDEA that so many of us have experienced this! We too, did it with our first Chinese adoption! YUK! NEVER WILL FORGET IT!
My condolences!
Yep, we are on the same page. We just finished (after 6 months) our LAST (I hope!) stool sample. The dr. called with the news that it is FINALLY clear…praying and praying that no one else in our home as ANY symptoms. Not such a fun job…
Hello, Sister! We are on round 2 of the samples. This time we were given these itty-bitty little card-things and "smear sticks". You peal back a "window" and smear on a little poop then close the window. This thing is TINY! We were told to do this for THREE FREAKING DAYS IN A ROW and then bring them back in THREE WEEKS!!!! WHAT?????? O…M…G… Remember, there are always worse things they can find for us to do!
Honey…I have done this SOOOOO many times for one on my bio boys (13 different samples just last year!) We are sisters and yes it is AWFUL!
P.S. If Dave is around…I often make him do this.. I have a horrible gag reflex;)
Sister around our house we say it's only poop and carzy enough, hear this, I live for it!