So where were we?
Oh yeah. At the beginning. Or somewhere around there.
We knew that we weren’t going to be able to bring home this other child at the same time as Vivienne. And as far as my husband was concerned, that was the only way we were going to be able to adopt this particular child. So when the door closed, it was tough. And truly, we were absolutely, positively beside ourselves with excitement over bringing home our precious Vivienne.
Once I had been home from China for a few months, this impression of a sister for Vivienne began to surface. Some times I was certain that she existed, as certain of it as I was of my own two feet. Other times, I felt like it was all just an illusion, a vision that would fade the harder I tried to focus in to see it clearly. And still other times, I just wished I could forget it. Forget whole thing. It would certainly be easier.
On the days it was really bad, I would share with my husband. When I say “share” I don’t mean a sentence or two. I mean pour my heart out. Y’all, I’ve got to be honest here. Truly sharing our hearts with our husbands is something that as wives many of us fail to do. We share with our friends, our sisters, our prayer group, our bloggy friends, our FB friends, but we don’t share with our husband. And then we wonder why he doesn’t share our heart when it comes to adoption.
But that’s a whole ‘nother post. That I do plan on sharing about someday.
Anyway, back at the ranch….
So I shared with him. And he shared right back. Except, what he had to share was whole lot shorter than what I’d shared, and a lot less sweet: No way, Jose.
Which, if the truth be told, was somewhat of a relief.
I am not sure about you, but when I feel God pressing on me to do something, I don’t always want to do it. In fact, lots of times I flat out don’t want to do it.
But God doesn’t give up so easily.
So my heart would again fill to bursting with sorrow over the faces I’d see regularly, the stories I’d read, the thousands of children on the shared listing. And then I would pour my heart out to my husband, and he would let me cry on his shoulder, wait for me to finish, and gently say, “no”.
So, after these heart to hearts, I felt relieved, for the most part. I mean, there ain’t no way I’d even consider going down a road without my husband on board 100%. But I figured I’d done my part: “Okay, God. I know you’re doing something, but I’m not sure what. You break my heart regularly for the things that break Yours, but I laid my heart out there to him and he said no. You’ll have to take it up with him if you want this ship to set sail. As for me? I think I’ll go have a brownie.”
But one day in April, all that changed. It had been a while since I’d spoken to my husband about the state of my heart, about how broken it was on a regular basis knowing so many children needed a family to call their own. And about the child that I sensed might be out there waiting for us.
Call the agency.
Um, I’m sorry. What???
Call the agency and see what we need to do.
I’d like to say that at this point I jumped for joy and shouted hallelujah, but it didn’t quite go down like that.
In fact, this is where I proceeded to pee my pants, curl up into fetal position and pretend like I hadn’t just heard what he’d said.
And, I’m not gonna lie, it took me a long time to find my big girl panties. But eventually, I found them and even put them on. And then I called the agency and the social worker, and the work began.
Now I’m so excited I can’t hardly stand it. We were DTC on September 3rd, and depending on when we are logged in, we might even receive a referral to consider when the next shared list comes out at the end of this month.
Now, where did I put those big girl panties?
oh my stefanie— you just wrote the words in my heart– because where you were– that's where i am. i know God has given me a heart for the fatherless, in particular China. In particular, special needs. and even more particular- hep B babies. and there is a girl with those needs n=right now absolutely pulling on me. and it physically hurt- and i too ask my husband- are we done? and when he says yes- i too feel some relief– phew– i don't have to endure the paperchase and the heartache of waiting. i have 5 kids under 8 and i ask myself- how could i possibly handle a 6th? but then i look at those faces- and i ask myself, how can i not?
yep– i get you. 110%
maybe i need to go shopping for new underwear???
Yay!! I can't wait to watch the rest of this journey unfold! We were DTC on Aug. 27th for our 5th child, 2nd China SN adoption. We're bracing ourselves for a wild ride!!
So so excited for y'all! And excited for me and other bloggie fans for follow your journey!
But really…THIS is so funny—"Call the agency and see what we need to do." I would've thought y'all had it down pat by now!
Nancy-of the Crazy 8
Beach Mama says
I am thrilled for y'all! You just wrote my srory, except for the husband saying to "call the agency" part….We are at the No Way Jose part, sigh…. at least I have so many wonderful families' adoption journeys to follow, while my heart breaks over and over again.
This is so exciting. It is amazing how God opens our hearts time and time again! You are an inspiration to all and God is using you in BIG ways!
Wow! Goosebumps all over! I am in the boat that you have gotten out of…the one where your heart is being tugged at, but the dh says "no". I love how you handed it over to God, telling Him that if this is gonna be a "go", He was going to have to change a heart. That's my prayer and am waiting to see where God leads.
Thank you for the encouraging, exciting, and amazing post.
So happy for your family…and especially this new little one that has captured your hearts already.
My husband and I were on different pages a year ago and I, too, gave it over to God. Eventually God pricked his heart and we are now on our second sn adoption. I've already brought up a third (our 6th child, total), but he says his "quiver is full". Ha! We'll see what God has to say about that…
You know you don't have to wait. There are THOUSANDS of kiddos waiting on the list right now and you DO NOT have to be LID to be matched. Maybe one of them is waiting for you…
Amy Murphy says
I really needed to hear this: "On the days it was really bad, I would share with my husband. When I say "share" I don't mean a sentence or two. I mean pour my heart out. Y'all, I've got to be honest here. Truly sharing our hearts with our husbands is something that as wives many of us fail to do. We share with our friends, our sisters, our prayer group, our bloggy friends, our FB friends, but we don't share with our husband. And then we wonder why he doesn't share our heart when it comes to adoption." You are so right. I sit here and read so many things about adoption, orphans, etc, and then wonder why my husband seems to care less. I can't wait to see your post on the subject!
So girl, I'm thinking this post was meant for me…not really ;)but holy smokes! Outside of the fact that you've been to China numerous times…all the rest, sharing your heart, being led by God and having a hubby who at first gently said no…it's like you're writing my story! 🙂 Thank you for posting this! I know it's part of your story but hearing it makes me feel like what we're going through is normal. 😉
Hoots Momma says
Stephanie, Kim at Three Peanuts suggested I contact you. We are bringing home a little girl with bilateral club feet in February… We received a report today that she can not walk without assitance… (she is 2 1/2)question (s)… is this normal??? what specialist did you use? I'm thinking she should be able to walk w/o assitance IF she isn't in casts or braces… she is in therapy and she rotates between casts and the dennis brown braces… HELP! you can e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I am also convinced that our daughter needs a sister and we received our PA for her last week. We have not been home yet a year with our son, but the tugging at my heart would not stop. Amazingly, my husband was on board with this the whole time, yet I still experienced the "want to curl up in a fetal position" feeling when he said "yes" to locking our daughter's file.
Congratulations to your family on being DTC. We have that task to still accomplish. You have a beautiful family and your lives will be so blessed by adding another child to it!
I don't even know what to say!?!?! Yippee!!!
Can't believe that after 5 years into the old Yahoo group you're on adoption #6!! Blessings on you 🙂
Can you send some of those big girl panties my way??? Hehe!
Wow! I take a few days off and I missed EVERYTHING!! WOW!!! That is all I can say…not really.
I am soooooo excited for you!!! As a single mother, I wish I were you but since I am not, I will live through you. I can't wait to tell LiLi (my kid-7 on 10/19.) She loves your family and tells just about anyone, "I know a family with 9 kids. It is funny because she doesn't REALLY know you but she thinks she does. LiLi will be thrilled to hear the news!!!!
Thank you for sharing your story! I love stoppin' by your blog. We are hoping to be DTC by the end of the week!
Gene and Annie says
Awesome!! God is so good!!
I just want to say thank you for sharing, for just being you, for sharing your heart. When you said this, "So my heart would again fill to bursting with sorrow over the faces I'd see regularly, the stories I'd read, the thousands of children on the shared listing." I could totally relate. I feel like this ALL the time. Congratulations on your new one. Can't wait to hear your story!
Stefanie, I SO agree that we need to share our hearts with our husbands! I did the same thing just less than 2 months ago. At first I said, "Do I look crazy to you?" Of course, he gave the obligatory, "No, you're not crazy." Then when I started to talk, he said, "No, WE ARE NOT!" When I asked him to pray it totally rocked his world, and I was kind of relieved that he didn't seem to be 'feelin' it.' I tried to forget, ignore, joke about, anything I could do to put this beautiful baby girl out of my head. But one day I said, "Honey, my heart is about to burst! I just have to share my feelings with you." It sounded so childish, but it was so true! When my faithful husband said "Yes!" he hadn't even seen our daughter's picture!
Congratulations to you! Praying you get to share good news very soon!
I needed to hear your story. A gentle reminder to share my heart with my husband not just about adoption but life in general.
I've only just come across your blog, but can so relate. Only for us, this 5th child, 3rd adoption was my husband's idea and I'm the one God had to work on to get me to trust that I can do this! It's SO exciting though and now I can't imagine not having opened up my heart to bring our little girl home (hopefully by the end of the year).
I had to chuckle about the big girl panties. My BFF actually gave me a pair of bright blue panties with ruffles on the backside for my 40th bday this year because I'm always using the phrase "put on your big girl panties and deal with it!"
Congratulations to you and your family,
Congrats and thank you.
I wonder if you know how much hope and healing your writing brings.
With laughter and tears.
Maybe I need to share my heart. I mean really share my heart one more time with my hubby. I don't know how to pray any harder. And I've tried to release this dream / burden.
So thank you. Once again.
Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
Morning Stef – some thoughts from the DH's perspective…..
We like it when you share your hearts with us – we really do…..
Ya know that when it comes to important decisions we hate to say no….it's really hard for us to do that…but generally we will if we think it's the way it has to be…..
We love it that you accept our no – because it lets us know that we really are on the same team……
And later, if we are re-addressing that same issue and we say yes….it's because we mean it. It just takes us a while to process – we're just different than ya'll are…..
And we really hate it when ya'll freak out like that after we say yes….but we also openly admit that we just don't always get it….and as guys – we're good with that…..
Oh – and – ya know that this is really all your fault – you were the one that left it to God and went for the brownie…..;)
We couldn't be happier for you guys – super excited and overjoyed!
hugs – aus and co.
I love your posts, you are always so real in this blog and share just what you feel. I'm so excited for you, Can't wait to hear more!! =)
Just got an email that the new list is coming out on the 20th (so maybe that means 19th here). Good luck!
The Gang's Momma! says
Oh my gosh. First of all, I canNOT believe how much of this post could have been written by my very own hands. Well, not nearly as wittily and cutely as you did, but you know what I'm sayin'…
And if that wasn't enough to make me bawl, then I read Aus's comment. Sheesh. That is my husband to a T.
Add that to the big pile of emotions and memories that is TODAY for our Gang, and I'm sitting here weeping and waiting on God's plan. His voice. His provision. His leading and direction. And scared out of my own panties while I'm doing it.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This, my bloggy friend, is why I <3 you. Why you are my bloggy crush.
You know Stefanie, I felt the same way…that God was calling us to adopt again. I kept bringing it up and hubby kept saying no. I was in my discipleship one on one at church and mentioned it to my discipler and she said I should pray for God to move one of our hearts so we would know His will. Lo and behold, He moved both of our hearts simultaneously to foster care. Now, we are in the middle of becoming licensed foster parents, hope to eventually adopt, and hubby is even saying maybe 2…or 3:0 We are absolutely certain this is where God wants us and it's all because I opened my heart instead of only praying for God to open his. Amazing where you end up sometimes when you leave it up to God:)
I am such a horrible (aka absent) blogger these days that I am just now seeing this. What WONDERFUL news!!! I am so excited for what lies ahead for you and your family. Congratulations!!!
Cindi Campbell says
I totally get it! I've been having a look at some sweeties with DS. Now I cannot believe that my hubby would agree but he came home the other day talking about someone who was sharing his heart for his DS child. Amazing huh! God can do what He wants when He wants it done. We'll see. Bless you on your journey. Wish I could go too!
woohoo!! So happy for you and very glad you found your big girl panties. 🙂 Pins and needles for the next list!!