Ni Hao Y'all

when east meets south

different

So why is this adoption so different?
Well, I’m not sure. But one things I do know, it is.
Different.

It was only during our adoption of Isabelle (which we started out NSN) that we even got within spitting distance of a social worker before we had a referral picture in our sweaty little hands. And one framed by the bedside. And one laminated and tucked inside my purse. You get the idea.

But this time we’ve just been moving forward. In obedience. The only driving force being God, and my husband’s certainty that this is what we are to do. And now is the time.

And even though we’ve been moving forward, finishing our physicals, visiting notaries, taking our fingerprints, typing up SoS cover letters, it hasn’t had the same ‘feel’ as our other adoptions. Because it’s been so hard to imagine this little one we’ve been working toward. And I’ll be the first to admit, I think that not having that feeling has made this a bit more of a journey for this mama.

That and wrestling with a lot of young ‘uns at home.

And every. thing. else. I’ve had going on.

Admittedly, since the beginning,  Chris has been the impetus behind this adoption. No matter how many times I tried to drop the ball, and drop the ball I have most definitely tried to do, he has not let me get away with it.
A conversation would start, and end, something like this:
“Babe? Yeah. Hey, well, I’ve been thinking, you know, if you’re not ready to get rolling with the paperwork, well… I’m okay with that.”
“No. I’m ready.”
Sometimes it would go like this:
“Hun? Yeah. Well, we need to send some $ to the home study agency and, well, do we have it? Because if we don’t, you know, that’s okay. We can wait.”


“No. We’ve got the money.”
Or even, when I was really desperate, just short and sweet:
“Sweetie? You just wanna put this on the back burner for a bit? You know, just ’til things settle down a bit? Huh? Huh???“
“No. I’m ready. What do we need to do next?”
Do you see a pattern here? Yeah, me too. I’d open the door for him to change his mind, secretly sort of thinking he might. But being amazed and awed every time he insisted, with absolute certainty, that he was ready. And that it was time. 
Finally, about a half dozen conversations later, I realized something. That I needed to truly trust my husband. And trust that, as the spiritual leader of our home, and as my beloved protector, that I needed to just get moving. I needed to start picking up those feet and putting them back down, whether I felt like it or not. No matter how scared I was, how overwhelmed, how completely and totally freaked out it made me feel to think about having another little mouth to feed, butt to wipe, nose to blow, hand to hold, that I just needed to start moving in the direction we’d decided to go. And so I did. 
And it wasn’t long until my heart caught up with my head… and I was feelin’ it. 
In late June there was a little girl on our agency’s website that caught my eye. I requested her information. And we poured over every single word contained in her file. We studied ever picture. She was adorable in every way and her special need was most definitely something we could manage. But she wasn’t ours. 
In ‘meeting’ this little one, though, I realized that although she wasn’t our daughter, that our daughter was indeed out there. Somewhere. And every day brought us one day closer to the day we would see her face for the first time.
Since then we have reviewed several more files. Had quite a few semi-sleepless nights. The shared list? Isn’t for pansies. While we didn’t have our hearts broken, we met many people who did… hoping to lock in a file and watching a child they had thought was theirs disappear. It was an emotional roller-coaster to say the least. And although we would have been open to finding and then fighting for our child on the shared list, waiting, hoping, praying for the chance to lock in her file, it didn’t happen. And we felt a very real peace about not finding our child that way.
Which left us with one option. One that we actually liked very much: to be matched by our agency.

God wanted us to position ourselves. Without the picture. Without the tangible. Just because He said so.

We have given our agency a very clear picture of the special needs we would consider, and while some might consider our list quite short, it’s just right for us. We are open to clubfoot, limb differences, albinism, heart defects. We have also told our agency that we want our next child to be younger than Vivienne, by a reasonable amount. 
And our agency? Thinks it’s pretty realistic to think we’ll be matched this month. They have a pretty impressive record of matching waiting LID families pretty quickly. Which is insanely exciting from where I sit.
So we wait. And we pray. And we pray some more. Over our future child, over this process, over the fact that we are not going to be doing the choosing. And trusting that God will. 

Comments

  2. Just the place I find JOY in being! Smack.dab.in.the.middle of God's will! Feeling it! Knowing it! Believing it! Resting in it! Enjoy every minute of it!!!

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  5. I so hope everything falls into place soon for you. You have actually given me a spark of hope! What agency are you with?

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  7. I love WACAP, too!! Can't wait to hear about your new little one. So excited for you. Even more excited that very soon there will be one less orphan in the world. Keeping you in my prayers.

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  8. On pins and needles right along with you as your precious new blessing is shared, I can feel the "excitement" thru your words! No matter how she is revealed I know HE has special plans for Y'all!
    Prayers and peace!

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  9. I've been meaning to post since your BIG announcement and can I just say … even though this makes TEN children for you guys, I am totally NOT surprised. I just had a feeling 🙂 crazy I know.
    So very happy for you! And I love what you have written here about your feelings, your journey, where you are at. Although my husband is the EXACT opposite of yours in where he stands on adding to our family, you point out an important thing to me … I have to learn to trust him and his judgement as the spiritual leader of our family. And just because his answer isn't a YES about adoption for our family … there is obedience that needs to happen. ooo, that's a hard one.
    I am THRILLED for you guys and I cannot wait to watch it all unfold–especially in the route that you are being lead having the agency match you! Blessings to you!!

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  10. That is so exciting! It is so fun to see what God will bring.

    We are so excited to wait and see. Our dossier has been in China almost 3 years and in the next few months we hope to move to the SN list!

    Waiting for a referral match, it is so exciting!

    How do you know if it is the right child, or the wrong child and have to turn the referral down? Is it just a gut feeling?

    Over 2 years ago we looked at lists too and children, and it was so hard to know the right decicion. I guess it is a lot of prayer?!

    -Sarah

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  11. Oh our 10th children sound so much alike in regards to our spouses! I too have questioned many times and Robert is the one who is always advocating for our Gracie. He is totally the one behind this adoption lifting me when I need lifted. I love it!!! I have watched our Almighty God change my husband's heart from not even considering adopting a child with down syndrome to one who is now advocating for her. It makes me fall in love with him all over and over again!!!

    We are so blessed to be married to Godly men!

    Can't wait to see who I will be meeting in China! snicker snicker!

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  12. Thank you….for sharing. We too are hoping to be matched from the list this month and we too are at peace with the idea of our agency matching us. Letting God chose who our daughter will be. We have looked at files and just didn't have that peace but we are sooo excited to see who He has for us. So blessings and love to and we will be thinking of you this weekend!!
    God bless,
    Lynnea http://www.hamelothjourney.blogspot.com

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  14. Your story excites me to no end. We are adopting a 6yo girl through WACAP. It's our first adoption, but quite possibly not our last. 🙂

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  15. I've been glued to the computer reading about this latest journey. Wow…all I can say is, I can't wait to see what/who God's got planned for your amazing family. I just found out from one of my husbands co-workers that he mentioned something about being "almost ready for # two" Ummm, what?! Yeah, we need to get better at the sharing thing you talked about. Anyway, I'm so happy for you and for the little one who's about to get an awesome family!

    Gin =)

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  16. Thank you for sharing this. We are in route to number 7 and I have fought with some of the same ideas and thoughts. We too picked our first 3 adoptions off an agency list and feel our next(4th adoption 7th child) will be shared list. It's hard to trust sometimes, I am so glad I am not alone with these thoughts 🙂

    Now if I could just get the state to send our child abuse clearance letters our homestudy would be done and we could be on our way!

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  17. Hi Stefanie,

    What a wonderful and very inspirational post. I have no doubt that it is all in God's hands and you will be guided to the child that was meant to be yours and will fit perfectly into your family.

    Best wishes as you wait to be matched.

    xoxo,

    Lisa

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  18. Stefanie,
    Hi there! This is Stacey from the FL Keys who started your first journey to China with you in our DTC group. What a beautiful family you have grown since then- congratulations!! Our Mia is turning six next month and we have since brought home Mia's little brother, Logan, from Guatemala. I would love to chat a minute about the waiting child program if you can find a moment to email me. I would appreciate it.
    Thanks and congrats!
    Stacey Milchman

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  20. Definitely second Eliana. Our last daughter's name. Love the meaning. But most everyone mispronounces it. We call her Ellie. But she prefers Eliana. (She is a flowery girl.)

    I also love Tessa. And Adelaide; meaning A Beautiful Princess. Addie for short.

    Best wishes and blessings on your waiting.

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  21. Your obedience really astounds me. It has inspired me in huge ways too. I think it is so fabulous that you both hear God's call for you and your family so clearly. It has made me open my ears more to try to hear what HE is calling us to do.

    Kim

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