I am so crazy humbled.
And just reveling in His loving provision.
All y’all that have been praying for us? I don’t even think I can muster the words to thank you adequately. I am so, so grateful. And honored. And humbled. Wow.
Because those prayers were answered. God has shown up in a really, really big way.
And my broken heart?
Is history. God, in His mercy, has taken care of that, as only He can.
Now I’ve just got to find the way to share this story with y’all. Because, even if you don’t care to read it, I want need to share it.
Because it’s not my story. It’s His story. And while the last three months have been more emotionally grueling than anything I’ve been through in a long time, I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. Because, recently, I’ve found myself closer to God than ever. And it’s not because He just decided to show up. He has always been here, beside me, in front of me, behind me. It’s that I, in my sorrow and brokenness, finally chose to find my way closer to Him.
It all started December 12th, when I was innocently visiting a friend’s blog to leave a comment. I’m usually pretty pressed for time so I can’t visit actual blogs, but I read the feeds through Google Reader. On this night, though, I had some extra time – and so I clicked over to visit and leave my comment.
Then I noticed a link at the top right of the page…
And there she was.
The cutest little bug, with a way-too somber expression. Her description said that she had a complex heart defect, but that she was smart and liked to play games with her caretaker.
There was something about her, I just had a certain sense that she was special. Was I to advocate for her? Was I to try to bring her home? It wasn’t as if I knew, in that minute, anything for certain.
But there was something.
I emailed the agency to see if she already had a family pursuing her… I figured there must have been families lined up to review her file.
The agency replied that there wasn’t. She’d been on that public photolisting for close to two months and no, no one had her file on hold. She was waiting for her family to find her.
And so they sent me her file to review.
I poured over it. So much about her just drew me in… her pictures, of course, but it was more than that. It was her story. The fact she got winded when she tried to crawl because of her heart defect. That the nannies tried to keep her calm to avoid her overexerting herself. That she loved to play hide and seek. That her left ear stuck out just so.
I casually showed Chris her picture. He looked me in the eye and said “No”.
“Okay”, I thought, strangely sad and relieved at the same time. “I’ll print out her information, and I’ll pray for her.”
And so I did. That little stack of papers sat, conspicuously on our counter, with her pictures on the top. And I did pray for that little peanut, yes I did. All the while wondering what the heck God was up to.
Asher had a project due for school around that time and he and I were working on laminating some ornaments for his “Christmas tree” book report project. We got down to the last few ornaments and we had half a lamination sheet empty… and I just hate to waste any part of a good lamination sheet. So, without really thinking, I grabbed a scissors, cut out a picture from her referral paperwork and ran that sheet through the laminator.
And I tucked it into my purse.
Never, ever, have I done that with a picture of a child that was not already ours.
This was starting to get weird.
To be continued…
P.S. I’m going to disable comments for the next few posts, as I share our story. Just want to keep my focus on glorifying Him 🙂
Part two is here.
“What I want instead is your true thanks to God; I want you to fulfill your vows to the Most High. Trust Me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give Me glory.”
~ Psalm 50:14-15