… do not mix.
I, unassumingly, went to W@lMart today for a few things.
Milk. Manilla envelopes. Dog food. Play sand.
You know, the good stuff.
If you’ve been around here a while, y’all know we do Dave Ramsey. So on a typical Wally World excursion, I am in control: no excessive purchases, no unnecessary spending.
But what I walked out this afternoon with was a whole ‘nother animal.
I came home with a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza.
A “Party Size” bag of Peanut Butter M & M’s.
A piping hot loaf of french bread.
And a King Size Whatchamacallit.
Not all, necessarily, for me.
This is not good.
You are beautiful! Hang in there!!!
Liz Stewart says
Totally feel ya, mama! Though, that usually happens to me around, ahem, that time of the month……:D Especially the peanut butter M&M’s
There is absolutely nothing wrong with spoiling yourself with some comfort food in a time of need. Don’t let the enjoyment of a little bit of ‘naughty’ food add guilt to everything else you’re feeling right now. Savour it, enjoy it for what it is and let it work its comfort magic. With love and prayers, K.
Amy Shaw says
oh stephanie!! my heart is breaking for you. Grief is so so so so so difficult and YOU go through it like so much longer than anyone could possibly guess. And your grief hurts so much more b/c you never got to even meet your beloved Esther. I’m praying for you. And goodness, a little candy just tastes good!! 😉
Shhhh! I’m a Beachbody coach! 😉
Girl, if anyone deserves every one of those purchases, it’s you. Don’t feel the least bit guilty ’bout that. And it sure beats a binge shopping trip to the local liquor story to drown your sorrows. So, I’d say you had a very successful therapy session at Wally world.
It’s OK. You will be OK. Enjoy the pizza, the candy and the french bread….then take a deep breath and start over tomorrow. Every morning we wake up, God gives a gift of a new day, a clean slate. Grief is a difficult emotion, and sometimes we just have to go with the flow…..even if its a King Size Whatchamacallit. Still praying for you and your family.
Stefanie, I have been following your blog for about six months, and fell in love with Esther from reading about her and seeing her photos. I have wanted to write you since you posted about her death – but everytime I try, I just get too emotional and I just lose the words for how profound and sad the loss of her is. I want you to know that I think about her every day and that I know just how much you love her and wanted to bring her home.
I would encourage you to always think about Esther as a part of your family – and know that one day you will be reuited with her in Heaven. Even though you were not able to raise her, she and you are connected forever.
I know this is not the same- but in some ways, I feel it is. Back in July 2008, I was pregnant with identical twin daughters named Vivian and Annemarie. It was a perfect pregnancy, but in the end they were both stillborn due to a rare condition only affecting identical twins. I had the rug ripped out from under me, and I grieved so hard (and still do) for babies who I never held alive (although I did get to hold them after they had died). Things felt so undone, and there is not a protocol in our society for grieving these types of losses…of children who we hold in our hearts but don’t get to raise here on earth.
I think it is hard for people to understand how tremedous the grief is – the dreams you had for her, the life you had planned with her in it. It has been so hard for me not to feel guilty for things that weren’t even remotely my fault – and for me to also learn to be happy again. I am not saying every day is great- but things are getting better.
Please take your time grieving- there is no timeline for it. Please know that people far and wide are praying for you (I know I am!) You have so many friends who will always love and remember Esther. Please, please be in contact with me if you would ever like to talk.
I don’t shop at Wal-Mart, but I had many bad days at Target after Vivian and Annemarie died- I can really relate to that! Sending you lots of hugs, and love, and prayers.
Honey, there are far worse things you could turn to while hurting. I say eat the whole thing of bread
and finish it off with the candy bar……all by yourself.
dang. that’s a normal day for me foodwise 🙂 i think if it works for you it is a.o.k.
we were referred a little girl in romania in 2004. romania froze adoptions shortly after. i went to meet her in 2005.they told us we would never get her and romania sent our dossier back in 2006. i grieved hard. hard. hard. it was so difficult going through something noone knew what to say about. and i didn’t know quite what to feel. i still miss her. a. lot.
praying for you.
Enjoy those M and M’s! I am praying for you all!!!
Mmmmmm…. peanut butter M&Ms. I’m pretty sure if there was ever a time to indulge, now is the time. When I was about 12, my mom lost both her dad and then her baby (stillbirth), Mary. That Christmas, she went nuts. Bought us a computer, trampoline, clothes, toys… everything. My little brother ended up getting overwhelmed and didn’t finish until the next day. Anyway, don’t worry about Dave Ramsey too much. This part of grief is normal… just don’t go buy a trampoline and computer and toys galore. 😉 Praying for you!
Stephanie~ I just love you.
I’ve never experienced this, I cannot empathize, I am just someone who knows you “on here” and is another Esther.
But I love you, precious person.
And listen: there’s no weighing yourself in Eternity. So, it’s No Biggie. Food = Not Eternal.
Sharing your grief, mourning a daughter, resting your bereaved heart at the Cross, leaning on sisters? Eternal.
Two things last forever – the Word of God and the souls of men.
That’s how I know.
Plus, chocolate makes us feel better sometimes.
Sweet friend, your heart is so precious, and your human-ness is so comforting. One day at a time and one candy bar at a time, right? Thank you for being so real, even in the midst of your sorrow.
Stef – I’ve never lost a child – but I watched my parents do that….still….I can only imagine what the grief is like.
This is one occasion when Ramsey can be hanged – diets don’t count – and comfort does. I promise – it’s OK to be human – and it was really good of you to share!!
And personal to your DH – bro its a serious and special kind of pain, in particular because it’s just not your’s but her’s and the kid’s too – it well and truely sucks. We’re pulling for you – and it will ease – of this you can be certain!
And you are not chubby / fat / or whatever – trust me – I’m a guy and I don’t know you IRL so I don’t have to fib about it!!
hugs to all you guys – aus and co.
I am sure even Dave would give his blessing for M&ms and a stuff crust pizza!
I get it. My grief is different than yours but I have been enjoying coke and Dove milk chocolate. Isn’t God amazing that He holds our hearts and created chocolate too?!
I am so sorry for the loss of Esther. I feel like I have lost a niece because I treasure you as a sister.
Keep on girl. Cuddle up with those sweet babies and tomorrow will be a better day.
With much love,
Kim from 3 peanuts says
Sounds like you needed all that comfort food. There is a season for everything and you need to feel your grief and feed it (literally maybe) so that you can move past it at some point and be whole again. If you stuffed down your pain, you would never heal Stef. Hugs and prayers coming your way from TX.
Ashley Milford says
Oh Stephanie. I am so sorry. I”m praying for you guys.
Mary Beth says
I have gained 12 lbs since our miscarriage before Christmas. Grief is a strange animal.
What is helping now is holding fast to the knowledge that God loves both me and that child beyond all understanding. That He pursues me as a Father who wants to turn all my sorrows to joy. I think I hid from Him a little. Buried with my grief and my homemade bread and (ha!) Easter candy. It was part of the process, but now I am ready to emerge (and we are back to pursuing our adoption! – couldn’t have done that four months ago).
I am praying for you, dear sister in Christ. how I wish I could hold you and let you cry. But I know our Savior-and the beautiful family he Has gifted you with, are doing that now. Go ahead and eat and cry and laugh and rage. Then heal.
Love to you.
Have fun, enjoy the candy!
If there were ever a time when it’s okay to loosen the regulations a little, I think this would be it. Think of it as “soul food” – maybe not in the conventional sense. Your soul needs nourishment and sometimes that means literal food and that’s okay!
So much better to be expressing and interacting with your grief in this very human way than to be stuffing it down and fearing to face it.
Sometimes the soul’s health takes precedence over the body’s health (and the checkbook’s).
I think you did marvelous! I would’ve had a cart full of junk food! (oh and crafts that would never get done….). If a bag of M & Ms help even the littlest bit, eat AWAY! Let’s all eat some today with her girls!
If you lived nearby, I’d totally be knocking on your door right now….cause food is better when shared.
Melissa S. says
Sweet, Sweet Stefanie,
I am right there with you. When the heart hurts I go straight for the comfort food. Give yourself permission to do the things that help you to get through this time. It’s not like you’re planning on making it a new life habit. Let yourself grieve. I wish you were a neighbor so I could bring you a casserole and cookies! Don’t forget how very special you are. You are a blessing and minister to the souls of so many people who read your blog. You are in my prayers!
Listen to Erika. Grief takes time. Do what you have to do to get through. You’ll progress, then relapse, and wonder where it came from. Everyone goes through it differently. This journey isn’t pleasant, but you’re not alone. And there are so many friends who are praying for you. Sometimes when you just don’t have it in you to even pray, know that there are friends lifting you up at that very moment.
Keep a journal.
Hugs to you. It’s okay to let go of the “rules” for just a bit.
Girl! Even in your grief you have not lost your sense of humor!!!!! Trust me, if it was me, my damage would have been A LOT worse than a pepperoni pizza!!!! There is nothing wrong with comfort food to soothe the soul!!! Enjoy those yummy M&M’s!!!
Solace comes in many forms-take it where you find it.
Praying for you,
Thinking of you!
hugs to you & your family! <3
Tonggu Momma says
I continue to think of y’all and pray for you. Hugs, my friend. And I have my own personal experiences with grief and Target. Ugh.