Sweet Poppy is ours.
The adoption was made final today, and this precious little one is ours forever.
Y’all, she is just so very scared.
So please forgive the lack of pictures, but honestly, she spent the vast majority of the day on my hip or on my lap.
Otherwise, she was reduced to tears.
And well, that just breaks my heart.
So I’m trying my best to do everything that needs to be done, one-handed.
And asking Zach to help with the rest.
And me getting to take pictures of Poppy, well… it’s gonna have to wait.
Actually, lots of things are going to have to wait, for now.
Poppy is honestly really, really frightened. And while I have definitely experienced some tough times with both Vivienne and Jude in China, that wasn’t anything like this.
She is eating some, and drinking well, but really, other than sitting and staring, or crying, she won’t do anything else.
If I put her down, she freezes and screams. If I give her a toy or a bubble to play with, she won’t even move her hand. If I give her food, she makes no effort to reach it… if I move it right to her lips, and she wants it, she will just barely crack open her mouth. Otherwise she acts like it’s not there.
So we are just sitting together. And laying together. A lot.
Please keep her in your prayers, y’all.
And if you have any experience or insight, please do share. I could really use it right now.
The Gang's Momma says
We’re stopping our morning here at The Gang’s headquarters and contending for her right now. For you. And will continue to do so throughout the coming days. His love for her, through your hands and your eyes and your care, is much much bigger than any fear or scar or wound in her little heart and mind. HE IS. HE WILL. Hugs to you my friend. Praying now.
Amy Shaw says
Gonna follow you to the Throne Room again today on sweet little Poppy’s behalf!!
Bless you guys!!! There is so much grief in adoption as well as joy! Praying!!!
The Gang's Momma says
Where two or more are gathered in His name!!!! Praying them through the day and the night!
Shannon says
Oh Stephanie. OUr sweet girl was just like this. I think her feet hit the ground for approximately 30 seconds in the first several days after we took custody of her. It was our first adoption, and it was gut wrenching. She didn’t eat or drink, and slept out of self defense. She literally slept the entire trip home because she couldn’t cope.
Fast forward one year… She’s doing great! It took her a long time to open up and feel comfortable, but now she is spunky and silly, and such a fun kiddo! Poppy will get there too. I think you are doing the right things. Kudos to you for not getting in her face and trying to force things. You are a wise mama. 🙂 Keep loving on her, and I bet we will see beautiful smiles before the week is over. Big hugs for you and your sweet baby girl.
michelle says
I am praying for all of you! She looks just as sweet as sweet can be…
Donna says
Praying for your stamina and strength and for Poppy to begin to trust in this new life of hers.
Donna
Mary says
The pictures tell it all. What a huge change in her life. My son was younger but very much like this when he came home. We wore him alot until he got use to the smells, the sights, and well frankly… us! I would recommend a good baby carrier: Moby, ergo, or hotsling.
Grace to you and I will be praying for your Poppy. She’s breathtakingly beautiful.
Jennifer says
Praying for Miss Poppy and Momma!!!
Lisa says
No advice. Just praying for you all from here on. Heartbreaking to see but she is in the perfect family for her. : ) Imagining her with Vivi as an older sis…how great!! Thanks for posting as much as you can!! XO
Kim Schultz says
She is precious!!! Congratulations. Prayers for little Poppy and your family. It will take time (as you know) but it’s certainly dfificult going thru it. Hang in there and just continue what you’re doing!! Hugs.
Diana says
Again… GORGEOUS photos.. And, you look so beautiful! Why are you not melting in that China sun? Oh I forgot, you are a Georgia Peach… I am sorry that she is slow to open up… And so scared. Precious and sweet girl… You are doing exactly everything right Stef!!! Patiently allowing her to find her way on her terms….. I have been there, and it WILL happen!!!!
Hugs to you three!
Blessings,
Diana
Rebecca says
I would assume just lots of patience and quiet time, walks in the park where other kids are present (but not too many just a few).
I bet once she gets home with the rest of her siblings she’s blossom quickly.
Deb says
Our Chloe was also terribly frightened for the first three days or so. She would just stare blankly and then start to cry… She didn’t make eye contact with daddy until we were home. We did what you are doing. Once thing that helped was putting on Chinese kid’s shows on the tv. Hearing kids speaking Mandarin helped her. Adults scared her… Also, she was great with my daughter (4 at the time in the room) and would start to come out of her shell, but once my husband came in or the grandmas that traveled with us she was terrified again. I slept in the office chair with her on my chest for the entire trip… We never used a stroller with her either – just a hip hammock. Also with food we let her pick out whatever she wanted at the buffet…she would eat 4 or 5 hard boiled eggs at a sitting. Any chance to talk to her nannies and find out her fave foods / activities? It will get better…keep the faith!
Jennifer O'Cain says
I wish I knew just what to say to make it easier but I have no experience with this. I have followed enough blogs to say that most people say that the turn around day happens after day 3 so my prayer is that soon she will realize
that this is forever and not scary, that she has been blessed with an incredible mom.
Cora says
time and lots of baby wearing. Praying for scared little Poppy to be smiling happy little Poppy soon. Try to get rest that was the hardest with Chloe she literally did not let me go for a week. The baby carrier was a lifesaver we even slept in it.
Kaitlyn says
Congrats, this must be really tough for you.. but, she’ll get used to it & more comfortable as time goes on. Just imagine what she’s going through. It must be really tough to be taken away from everyone and everything you’ve ever known and put somewhere else. Although, it’s great for her and it’s a life changing and wonderful thing for her. She doesn’t know that.
What a great thing you did! Praying for you and your family <3
In our sea of love
Donna says
Oh, just look at that precious face! Bless her little breaking heart! Prayers for you all. And as far as my two cents, I think you are already doing great. With my boys – I did a lot of skin to skin contact when we were in the hotel room – I strapped them inwards to me using a baby carrier (it was one designed that did not have fabric separating us)…if you don’t have one, maybe you could construct one from pillow cases or sheets? Put her legs around your mid section and your son could help “tie or strap her around you.” It just really seemed to help with their anxiety – that closeness and security. Again – praying for you all. Looks like you are doing everything in her best interest! ((Hugs))
Annie says
Lizzie was in shock too for the first day or so. Honestly it was her sister that got her to relax and trust us – and laugh! I remember calling Karla because I didn’t know what to do and was scared. My sweet, spunky girl soon emerged though and I know yours will too. Oh and Lizzie wanted nothing to do with food (even her bottle) until she discovered the Pringles chips that they sold in the lobby of the White Swan! Heh! She pretty much ate nothing but chips and crackers when we were in China – NO Chinese food at all! It also took her a day or two to really drink from her bottle. I think you are doing all the right things and I know she will begin to relax and trust very soon! Praying for you both!!
Diane says
This just breaks my heart. I think of our sweet Olivia who is Poppy’s age, and I can not even begin to imagine how awful she would feel. I can see the pain in her precious eyes. Praying for you and your sweet broken hearted little girl!
Heather says
Praying continually for you! I’m sure just being close to you is good for her little soul. Your heart is so huge, and it knows just what to do.
Katie says
It is so much for their little hearts to take in. Praying for wisdom and strength as you show her how life changing the love of a momma can be. The really observant kiddos take so much in and process so much that sometimes this is how they survive the shock of something so huge. Little steps. Trust. May God bring peace and healing to sweet Poppy. Keep fixing your eyes on Him . . . our ultimate goal!
Hailey says
Said a prayer for you right this minute. She’s such a sweetheart, and I can only imagine how confusing this all must be for her. You’re so wise to not push things. Already a sign that you are the perfect mama for her! I don’t have any advice, obviously, but I like the idea of baby wearing. 🙂
Jennifer Leary says
I can’t pretend to have any advice for you…every single child is different…but you’re HER Mama…you already know what to do. Trust in yourself! Praying for you and her….and your entire family as you all transition!
Jody Dabrowski says
What a precious little girl she is!! Our daughter was like that for the first 3 days, and then…..wow! She is so high energy and friendly and laughs non stop. That is the amazing thing with this journey with the Lord, you just never know. So keep doing what you are doing, love and smiles is what she needs right now. Blessings to you and your family. Jody in Michigan
erika says
stefanie, our eve was like that. she did not move almost at all during the first 48 hours. if we laid her down to put her shorts on, she laid until we sat her up. if we sat her sitting one direction on the bed, she stayed there. she would not pick up a toy. she wouldn’t play with ANYTHING. we could sit a toy on her lap and it was as thought it wasn’t there. we would place it in her hands and she would sit there, toy in hands, hands on lap. she wouldn’t smile, even a little bit. she was shut down completely. she didn’t even really cry other than a whimper or two the entire 2 weeks. we even thought she might be deaf! (though we seemed to forget that her report said she could hear. we truly thought maybe she couldn’t!). when we were most afraid that she was deaf we tried things like clinking spoons behind her ear. she didn’t move! we called her. nothing. i even one day shook a little drum that she came to us with right by her ear when it was time for her to wake up (don’t worry, i know not to wake a sleeping baby needlessly :)!) and she did not move at all. and it was pretty loud!!! i honestly think she completley shut down! almost to the point that her senses were deadened some. she ate but it was robotically and it was just to survive i think. we knew she had an infection that required an antibiotic and so we brought it. the pharmacist forgot to mix it with flavoring and it was the most bitter tasting stuff i have ever, ever had. but we knew she needed it so we tried it and she took it with NO resistance or even a grimace on her face. she did this 3 times a day for 7 days. as i say, i think she was in total shock and just trying to survive. it took a few days for her to respond to sounds. and after 3 or 4 days we got a little a smile. yay! she did not say one word until our very last night there though. but once she finally did, progress was made quickly. i know you know she will come around. i also know you know that the best we can do is pray for her heart and that we are! so it all will be okay. just persevere. and i pray with you and for you that you don’t grow weary and that your compassion stays fresh. i know that can be hard in our own strength – we only have so much to give! – but in the Lord’s, we can! His love and resources are ABUNDANDT!
i think i have your email from a time we emailed in the past. i will send you a invitation to our blog in case you would like to read and see progress that can and will come! i haven’t updated much since our travel so you will find the travel part easily. or you can look by date – we were in china this time last year. she turned 2 the day we left china, fyi.
now one year later she is a chatter box and SO loving and SO affectionate. she often pats me and says, “myyyyyy mommy! my ooowwwnnn mommy!” so sweet! she is well adjusted and happy!!!!
Emily says
Snuggle her close and in time she will have the trust needed to open up…hang in there! She is precious!
Leigh T. says
You are doing the right things. Our girl (15 1/2 mos. old on Gotcha Day) had the SAME look in her eyes as pretty Poppy. I made my husband look at all posts because he was there for our daughter’s eyes. Our girl shuddered and shrieked when she was given to us, she was lunging for anyone female and Chinese. She cried and cried more than any of the other children. Then, she clung to me for days. The orphanage director was shocked when she would not acknowledge him on adoption day. She was SHUT DOWN! Additionally, she did not, in any way, shape or form, want anything to do with Baba for a good 3 mos. It took 6 days in China of “the zombie” for her to come out of her shell, but she would still retreat for months after that.
Our girl slept through the night every night. When she awoke that first morning, I heard her and got up to get her. She was looking around her crib and knew she was in the wrong place. She remembered where she was and, as she heard me rustle the blankets, she slammed her head into her pillow and pretended to go back to sleep. She is super smart and I wonder if she was just hoping this bad dream would end.
One warning to be prepared: When our girl came out of her shell, it was kind of scary. She was happy, and almost hysterically so. I wondered if she had some mental issues because the change was so dramatic. It was as if she had bottled it up for so long and then… she had to break and let it all out because she was allowing herself to trust.
Keep holding her. But, when you have to use the bathroom, go! Keep showing her you will come back and console her. The fact that my daughter was allowed to grieve my bathroom trips and have me return and console her was baby steps in trust for her. I know none of this is a revelation. You might have a girl like mine who learned that she had to be committed to taking care of herself. Keep being Jesus to her as she learns what it is to be a beloved daughter. I will pray that she will learn to love and trust you as someone she’s not yet known… Her one and only Mama!
PS Our girl has been home for almost 4 years and she is AWESOME! When she’d been home 6 mos., she was singing Amazing Grace every night before bed with her Daddy!
kelly says
No advice for you… but you know what to do and are doing it ~~ again. What Love!
Surely God is working in his infinite way and what a joyous blessing it will be to see your sweet Poppy when she opens up and shares her beauteous smile, like only a baby girl like her can!
Blessings to all of you… hang in there!
Karin says
Oh, Stephanie… our Molly was like that. She totally shut down. She was limp as a wet noodle. She wouldn’t even hold her body up when we carried her. She just slumped on our chests like dead weight. And we could NEVER put her down. She stared. She sucked her thumb. She wouldn’t eat. Everyone in our travel group was whispering about her and so worried.
By the second week she would sit on the bed and play with toys as long as we were nearby. She eventually smiled and laughed but honestly it was pretty rare while we were in China. She mostly looked terrified and cried a lot.
The whole first year I pretty much carried her everywhere. All the time. She was just needing it. And she was the SWEETEST little thing so I did not mind too much–although it was hard to get much done. 🙂
She eventually was fine at home but every time we took her out in public she would slump into us like a wet noodle. It was just her way of coping.
HUGS!!!!!
Londa says
Congratulations! So sorry to hear Poppy is having a hard time…she is so precious! Will be praying for God to move in her heart and bring her His peace. I’m sure she feels your love. Hope to see a smile on her face soon.
Aus says
Hey Stef – BTDT 2X with China adoptions. Time will fix it – but – do you plan a trip to the SWI? Leaving the SWI securly held in Marie’s arms was the real turning point for both of ours like that.
Did you bring a sling / Ergo? If so – use it all day long – even in the hotel room some – and face her toward you. If you didn’t bring one – get your guide to take you some where to get you one. Most importantly – keep her facing you all the time…it really does speed the process.
Sleep with her on your arm wrapped in there tight – give her something to hold onto – namely YOU!
In 48 hours it will all be better – promise – and then when she relaxes you can!
Oh – and she is more beautiful with you that she ever was before!
Hang tough Zach – you’ll do great!
hugs – prayers – and HOORAH!!
aus and co.
Sarah says
This might be the first time I’ve ever posted here although I’ve read your blog for years. Just wanted to let you know you and your little girl are in my prayers. While I haven’t adopted a child myself I do know that children fly through phases so fast – before you know it she’ll adjusted, comfortable, and chasing her siblings around. You just have to hang on till then! There’s so much love being sent your way, just hang on Mama!!
Connie says
Ah, dear friend, BTDT same thing with two of my Treasures. Nothing really gets done…but we both know that underneath lots is happening. As you sit with her, lay with her, carry her everywhere she will become less frightened. But you already know this. It’s just so hard without our strong men to lean on! I”m praying for you!
Ruby says
Time is the only cure.
Just keep going with your mother’s instinct about what she needs and leave the rest up to God. She will heal; if she were not going to, she would not be crying and traumatized now. I know that you know this, but it’s heartbreaking to watch.
Ruby
Megs @ Whadusay says
We had a similar situation with our little girl last year. She was so sad and scared and didn’t want anything to do with me. she tolerated my hubbie and it was HARD. I think it is one of those things that there is no quick fix for, although I will say that even after one week we saw a big change in her. the tears came less often and she started to open up. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just keep giving her time. Praying for you and Poppy.
Daya says
Music… If you guys have any music you can dance or sing along it might help. My niece use to be afraid of everyone in my family but once we put music on, tried to not focus so much attention directly on her, she loosened up a bit. We were pretty wild with it though. We dramaticly sang Wiggles and Yo Gabba Gabba songs to each other until we got a smile out of her.
Rock-A-Bye Your Bear is a great song to try: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyRxY1rXKF4
I hope that helps if not prayer will. I’ll surely be praying for you guys
Heather Bednar says
My husband went to pick up our daughter, Lily, by himself. Lily had been in a WONDERFUL orphanage, New Day Foster Home. She had been with foster parents that I believe really loved her (and probably babied her quite a bit due to her heart condition.) She stood at the door or wanted shoes on her feet to go somewhere the whole time in China. She was terrified like your little Poppy. What can I say worked… Jason did all he could to love on her but regardless she was so scared. She would even fall asleep standing up because she did not want to lay with him or in her crib. When she came home, she loved me–BUT even still we had a very determined child who did not care to bond with us. She wanted to be with me and me ONLY. Her daddy was NOT important to her at all. She finally (after 2 1/2 years) truly loves her daddy, but that bond was long in coming. Even for her bond with the family (2 brothers -one older than her and one younger) it took about 8 months. I remember the day she acknowledged her little brother. I was thrilled. She pretended he didn’t exist. SO I tell you all this to let you know (as you do already) Poppy’s time will come but it may take loads of love, patience, prayers, and more patience. Now my little Miss sings beside my as I type and is so independent and dependent all at the same time. She is totally and completely home.
Time will heal that heart and loads of loving!
-Heather
Nancy says
I know that face. It’s the same face our youngest (just over 3 when we met her) gave us while in China, and off and on for a good 3 months after arriving home. She had that same very reserved, scared look which morphed into a reserved, assessing look (with periodic flashes of the real little girl inside) after a while. We met her in April, and by mid-summer she had totally come around and out of her shell. But it went s-l-o-w-l-y at first…
Poppy is just a doll!! SO glad she is joining your family. And she gets VIVI as her closest big sis!
Congrats again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nancy
Kristi D. says
Well, since I’ve never adopted before I’m afraid zero insight here. As a mom though, I can tell you that it sounds like you are doing everything right!! She is just stunning!! …I feel so bad for you and Zack as it must be gut wrenching to want to comfort her and see her beautiful little face light up with happiness (it will come, i’m sure of it!). The only thing that I can even think of is perhaps having your guide speak to her in her native language and reiiterate what is happening to her, and that you love her and want to make her happy, etc. And, I suppose you don’t see any signs of her being sick, right?? I’m sure not, being a mom of 11!! 🙂 Many have said Day 3 marks a turn for the better so tomorrow may be much better!
Kristi D. says
oh,, and did you bring your I-pad??? whip it out if you did 🙂
Chris says
Poor, sweet Poppy!
I am praying…….
Lori says
Oh, Stefanie…I can see the total shock and fear in sweet Poppy’s eyes in your photos. Bless her sweet broken heart. I don’t have any advice to offer but will totally be praying for you.
~Lori
Kristiana says
She is precious! I will continue to pray for you all thru this transition. God is so good and faithful! Others may have mentioned this, or you may have already tried it…but perhaps if you know some of the songs or rhymes in Chinese that she is used to that might ease her a bit?
Congratulations!
nicole says
adoptive mama x2 and mama of 5… for what it is worth
-day three is one sleep away
-don’t stress if day 3 is not majic
-at least they told you about her fear of strangers…we just had 36 hours of shutdown and crying until we were later told. still shutdown and she slept the 27 hours home. that is not all bad… you know why and can adjust…
-for poppy…baby wearing until 7-20-2012, maybe longer
-for mama chocolate, coffee, wine, naps, and the next size pants with grace for yourself.
xoxoxo
Wendy says
Sending up special prayers this morning for sweet Poppy and for you too! I can’t imagine how heartbreaking this has to be, but I am confident that Poppy will soon feel safe. I’m sure she already feels the love her Momma has for her. Sending up many prayers throughout the day!
shelley says
Praying for Poppys peace. You are doing the right thing….take it slow we have the rest of her life to see pictures.
Lindsay says
Bless her sweet, broken, little heart! I wish I had some advice to offer, but I don’t. I just want to remind you that you’re doing everything right (lest you lose any confidence). Keep praying and being gentle with her just continue to comfort her through her grief. Does she speak and/or understand much Cantonese? (isn’t that what’s mostly spoken in Guangdong?) With our daughter (same age as Poppy), she seemed to be comforted and reassured when our guide spoke to her. She is absolutely adorable!
Becky says
Hi, I’ve been reading about Poppy, but I don’t think I’ve posted yet. I just wanted you to know that I am praying as well. I know this must be so hard for both of you, but I also know that in the very near future she will not be afraid and she will trust you! Just keep trusting the Lord, it’s a great thing you do and He will see you through it!
Love and prayers,
Becky
martha says
Still praying for some supernatural bonding
Snick :) says
3 days. And she’ll start to come around. A little bit. 🙂 I recommend tiny bits of chocolate, so she learns that you are full of sweetness. Worked for mine!
Good luck. Wear her. Some body cream if she’ll let you. I learned how to P wearing my girl. She hated being put down in China. It’s amazing what we can do, when we need to.
Hang in there!
Snick 🙂
tammy says
Our first daughter was the same way, except she would keep her hands over her eyes OR pretend she was sleeping. She would not touch or grab things, even cringed when I would touch her other than to hold her. Lasted 3 loooong days and then things changed – she broke out of her shell. She is 11 now and it still takes a long time for someone to “get into her heart” but that is just who she is 🙂 and I would not change a thing about her 🙂
Eileen says
Oh, that sweet girl. You can just tell from her pictures that she’s taking it all in. And what a lot to take in! You’re smart to not push it. I know she’ll come around. I remember your dear friend Miss L. in China with her sweet little girl. Oh my, that was a story to watch. Her little sweetie would not crack a smile for ANYTHING……and how could you not crack a smile with Miss L. in your face? But she didn’t. FOR DAYS. I remember my daughter and I were walking behind them and as usual Grace was being held by her Mama, looking back at us over her shoulder. Totally stone-faced. Then her Mom started in with this crazy bouncy walk and Grace smiled! Madeline and I yelled, “She did it!! She did it!!! She smiled!!”, which of course terrified the poor sweetie and she was back to her stone-faced self. By the time we all left China she was flashing grins….on her own terms definitely……but she was on her way!
Julie D. says
Praying for Poppy and you.
Mary Beth says
Poor little thing! She looks so SWEET! No advice, but many prayers for her, you, and Zach.
tish says
praying with hope and love!
Ann Marie says
Hi Stefanie,
Our Lily was withdrawn and hysterical for most of our time in China. She cried with any change–going from the hotel room to the hallway, from the hallway to the elevator. She closed her eyes, covered her eyes, wouldn’t eat much, etc. It is very exhausting—but time builds trust. It is just one of those things that you have to walk through and every day there will be a glimmer more of trust. It’s just hard. It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Know that many others have been there.
Email me if you want to chat.
Keeping you in prayer.
Shasta says
Oh, poor sweet baby and momma. No advice just prayers and hope for Poppy. She’ll be OK Stef, I know you know that. Take good care of yourself honey, you’re that best momma for that sweet little muffin.
Kristi says
Oh sweet girl! Our little one was very shut down and scared…sounds so much like what you are going through. We tried to establish little hotel room routines. The one I specifically remember was designating a small drawer with a few toys that we would open every time he woke up or we came back from being out. He wasn’t interested at first but gradually he would gesture over to see what we would get out. We also used the mirror a lot. Our sweet one was only able to make quick eye contact via the big hotel mirrors (with the help of bubbles). He was too frightened to make direct eye contact. And the baby carrier was so important…he lived in it for the entire trip.
Will be praying….
Laura A says
No experience to share, but wanted to let you know I’m praying!!
V's Mama says
praying for you all!
Mayme says
You are in my prayers. I remember those first days with my girl and how hard it was. I look at her now and it’s hard to believe how far she has come.
She is beautiful. Those eyes will soon have a smile shining.
Lydia says
Precious is an understatement!! What a joy to see Poppy with her mommy! Reminiscing when two years ago we got our sweet girl in that very same room with the very same sn!
Blessings,
Lydia
http://unexpectedtreasure.blogspot.com/
Catherine says
Such a sweet, sweet little girl! You’re doing the very best thing for her in taking her cues that right now she needs mommy every-single-moment. Did you take a carrier with you? That was my daughter’s favorite place to be when in China and then for months to come. Even now if she’s having a rough day, 20 months after being home her carrier is her safe place. A couple of families in our travel group found carriers at Wal-Mart in China.
Praying for you….
Ali says
Grateful your touch consoles her. Your love and God’s grace are sure comforts to her even if she doesn’t know it. She is a little seed just planted right now. Can’t wait to see her break through that soil and shine. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. You are awesome!!
The Gang's Momma says
Okay. So. I almost never comment twice on a post. And I almost never say publicly like this what I’m gonna say now.
But here goes.
Believers, I am sensing in my spirit today a strong need to CONTEND for little Poppy’s heart. Again, I don’t do this often in a venue like this. And those of you who “know” me know that I rarely exhort folks quite this strongly. But this morning, I felt led to gather My Gang around and pray out loud for sweet Poppy. And as we were praying I had the strongest sense that this battle is in the spirit realm. That there are plans that the enemy has tried to set in motion for sweet little Poppy and that he is mighty displeased that she is in the arms of a Jesus lovin’ momma.
I just have this strong urge to urge you all to get on your faces before God and contend for her spirit to be unbound. Loosened in Jesus name to the joy and the love that The Father has for her. Now and for her future. I keep seeing a bondage of sorts in my mind’s eye when I pray for her. I feel so strongly that the enemy does NOT want eye contact because he knows that the shining light of Jesus Christ in Stef and Zach will demand that he flee. We, the Body of Christ, are being called to be the breakers of those bonds so that her little heart can be set free to receive the only love that can heal whatever lies and perverse, distorted realities that the enemy has tried to plan for her.
Seriously, I pray all the time for these babies and their mommas, but something about Poppy’s eyes and facial expression is different for me. When I started praying at the “Gotcha” post, I could not shake it. Please, pray together today and intercede and CONTEND for that sweet little girl. For her momma to have wisdom and discernment. For Holy Spirit anointing comfort and peace to flow. For her brother to hear clearly the voice of The Father regarding his interactions with his new sister. For patience and endurance. For love to overflow and to create the chances for attachment and connection. For healthy eye contact to begin. And to sustain.
I’ve never been in a place like this for another person’s kid. But I can’t shake it today and I keep coming back to this post over and over. I felt I could no longer stay silent.
Let us contend, Lord Jesus, for the heart and mind of this precious little girl. We cancel the plans of the enemy for any and all parts of Poppy’s life. And we replace them right now with HOPE. With PEACE. WITH LOVE. You are the love her heart is seeking. And you have put Stefanie and Zach there, for such a time as this. Now, may YOUR will be done. And may we see the victory for the glory of your name. Amen.
Kateri says
Amen! Praying with the Gang and Stefanie. Hope, Peace, and Love be with Poppy and her new family, according to His will, and as quickly as possible!
Jerusha says
LOVE this anointed prayer…agreeing with you for Poppy and Stefanie, and even for my own son, home from China just six weeks now. We are praying the same things over him. Thank you.
Angela says
Our Lia (at 18 months) was similar. For the first several days her body was stiff and rigid, her eyes constantly brimmed with tears. We didn’t know if she could walk, talk, or feed herself. She even refused a bottle (and never took one again) mostly surviving on congee while there. We ended up having to get a special concoction to get her to have a bowel movement b/c she just shut down (in every area.) We didn’t force ourselves on her and slowly, slowly, slowly, she started to warm up to us. We saw the first hint of a smile after 4 or 5 days and then finally an official “giggle”‘ by the second week. To me, the clearest transformation came in her eyes as I compared earlier pictures to later ones. You can almost see the fear ever so slowly being replaced by trust. Praying, praying, praying! She is breathtaking.
Julie says
My Sabrina was the same way … as an 8-month old, she cried the whole 2 weeks in China. As a matter of fact, even though I got some smiles from her after we got home, she basically cried every day over the next 6 months! It really took a whole year until we saw the “real” her, and until the grieving stopped. Now, she is a very precocious, spunky, witty 6 year old! Our travel group friends cannot believe she is the same child. She is so loving and bonded to me now, but in a good and confident way!
A HUGE recommendation is that you should google “Theraplay”. There are some great attachment exercises you can do with her, to reassure her that you won’t be disappearing, like she thinks her former caregivers have done. Some are as simple as peek-a-boo games. When Sabrina finally would let me go out of the room without her, I got in the habit of saying “Mommy is going into the other room now, but what does Mommy always do? Mommy always comes back!”. I also reenforced that same language in our peek a boo and other attachment games. I know it’s repetitive, but it was very reassuring for her.
Good luck! There were days when I had to hold Sabrina all.day.long! It took every ounce of patience I could muster to deal with the crying and the need for attention, especially since I had two other little ones at home. I second the vote on the Ergo carrier.
Jean says
There will be plenty of smiles in the future! No rush!
I just happened to say out loud- “she doesn’t really look Chinese” and Sarah (11 yrs) said “Who her?” and points to you not Poppy! Ha, ha! I guess you look more Chinese than Poppy! It’s always entertaining around here!!
Thank you for letting us follow along!! Love it!!
Sharon says
Her eyes and face are SO expressive; amazing. Praying for wisdom, love & patience on your family’s part. Praying for God to soften her little heart. xo
Sally says
Oh, poor sweet baby! And Mama and brother. I will most definitely be praying for you all.
Thinking of my very outgoing little girl, just one month older than Poppy, losing everything she knows breaks my heart. But thinking of two of my other children who were terrified of strangers at that age? Well, I don’t actually want to think of it.
On your hip or your lap is great! As you know, that’s much better than trying to get away from you!
Can you get your guide to show you where to buy a mei tai carrier?
Just keep going with your slowly and surely, and we’ll keep going with our praying.
Angie D. says
‘Thinking of you guys and praying for you often. I’m praying that He will calm her fears and that she will allow herself to trust.
Ashley says
Praying. She will come around. It is so good she has some kind of emotion even if it is fear. She will soon sense your goodness and love. My heart breaks for her now, but delights in the life to come!!!
Blessings,
Ashley
Shanny says
Praying for all of you. Our daughter, adopted at 15 months, literally lived in my arms the whole time we were in China. Thank goodness for Ergos. Hopefully you have something similiar with you. If not, I would recommend trying to find some type of baby carrier. My daughter and I were both a sweaty mess during our trip due to the heat and our bodies being glued together 24/7. Being scared and shut down is a normal response to having her world turned upside down. I think I would be far more concerned if Poppy showed no signs of grieving at all. You are doing an awesome job! Hang in there and find yourself some good chocolate. Thanks for letting us share in your journey. Today there is one less orphan in the world… Praise the Lord!!!
katrina says
When we were in China to bring Caroline home the stroller really helped. She was younger than Poppy but she would stop crying when we put her in the stroller. She even slept the first night in the stroller.
Eva says
Oh Stefanie, Poppy’s sadness just breaks my heart. I haven’t read the other responses. But continue to let her grieve and let you in as she feels safe. Yeah, I know….vague, not really helpful. Madeline grieved, but not like Poppy. So I’m no help. But I will continue to lift you up in prayer, asking the Lord to fill you with wisdom as you love on this child you have waited so long for.
Cyper hugs!
Sharon says
This brings back such emotions and memories for me with my sweet L in Vietnam. I didn’t know as much as you though at the time. It sounds like you are doing exactly what she needs. Those pictures are heat breaking. You must ache so much to see her like this. I’m thinking of you both.
Sharon M says
Praying for both of you. She is so sweet. Her tears in the photos yesterday reminded me so much of Bailey’s hot little tears falling on my arms.
One of the things that helped us the most was humming. No words. Just lay her against your chest and hum a tune. The same tune over and over. I hummed “I’m A Little Teapot”. She doesn’t understand what you say so the words of a song would sound strange. Just hum. Another adoptive mom told me to try this. I was so glad I did. It soothed Bailey during her difficult time.
You are doing great! Love conquers all.
Kolleen says
I know that using a baby carrier was so important in bonding with my terrified baby in China. I held her close and she slept on my chest. I think she was so scared to lose me. She still is. She started coming around after a few days and her first smile was so amazing…it took days. I will be praying for strength and wisdom as you go. The Lord goes before you and will comfort her heart, and yours.
Chris Nichols says
Stefanie, Praying for you and your beautiful girl! Praise God that He sets the solitary in families! Will be praying you see a smile soon. Blessings, Christine
Nicole A. says
First of all, a big congrats! What a monumental day for such a sweet little girlie!
While I do not have personal experience with exactly this situation, I have a lot of knowledge about and experience in attachment parenting. My most important tip is to follow her lead, which it sounds like you are. You may have to hold her for the next two weeks, but if that is what she needs, then that is what you do. It is about her comfort and not yours (sorry!). Of course, run to the potty alone! But try to not leave her unless really, really necessary, because it is way too soon in your relationship for her to get the whole “I’m leaving but I will be back!” concept.
Just keep her on you until she is ready for a little space. (Did you bring an ergo carrier?) There is no real quick fix or easy answer when it comes to bonding with any child, and I am certain that bonding and attachment is uber-important for an orphan, and probably each has a very different way of going about it. So I guess you just need to respect what she needs, give it to her at this point, and be happy. She WILL be more independent and happy and attached as time goes on, so just because she is super-clingy now does not mean that she will be this same way once she is home for awhile!
Holding her, loving on her, keeping her very close is not spoiling her, so don’t worry. Clearly she is telling you what she needs is very much YOU right now!
Anyway, enjoy the closeness! After all, you have been saying for almost a year that you couldn’t wait to hold her ~ be careful what you wish for! (just kidding, of course!)
( By the way ~ Wow, you are all so cute, color-coordinated and everything for adoption day! So, only 2 days and the adoption is complete! Besides the rest of the medicals, etc, what else will you be doing in China? 🙂 )
Praying for you all and very, very happy for you too!
All the best,
Nicole A., now in LA
Molly says
http://dreamingofteafortwo.blogspot.com/2011/04/broken-hearted-beauty.html
http://dreamingofteafortwo.blogspot.com/2011/04/broken-hearted-beauty-part-2.html
http://dreamingofteafortwo.blogspot.com/2011/04/broken-hearted-beauty-part-3.html
http://dreamingofteafortwo.blogspot.com/2011/04/broken-hearted-beauty-part-4.html
here’s a 4 part post that deals with a siituation very similar to what you are dealing with! A little girl, adopted from China, and the tough transition that they faced! Really, her little Lillianna love reminds me very much of how Poppy looks. Read all four and you’ll have renewed hope and strength!
Liz says
Hi Stefanie
our daughter was the same. she joined our family a couple of weeks before her 3rd birthday. I kept her in an ergo baby carrier for virtually the first 3 months. While we were in China, she was in the ergo the whole time with her face buried into my shoulder. The other people in our group did not know what she looked liked & did not know that she could walk! She would only sleep on my chest every night in China & for months. She would stare into to space then start sobbing – gut wrenching sobs – it was so hard for her & then she was also very sick herpes, giardia, high temps . vomiting. She wighed 8.5 kg (sorry don’t know imperial measurements – only metric) the size of a 9-12 month old. My husband & other children could not even look at her without her screaming. this was our 3rd adoption & like you had not experienced such profound & obvious grieving
But now just over 2 years later she is a confident, healthy, gorgeous little girl. My advice – do whatever she needs, keep her in a baby carrier, call her by the name her nanny used – it will be the most familiar thing for her, co-sleep, keep holding her to feed her, treat her like a newborn!. now … we decided not to send her to preschool – she will start school next year, we still cosleep, I still give her a bottle, she will not be called anything but the name she was called in the SWI… & as she is only 12 kg we still use the ergo sometimes. I agree with someone above – take her back to the orphanage so you can leave together I think that really helped our little girl. it was hard when we came home as you say – doing everything one-handed! – & it was extremely hard for our 5 y/o – he is a very cuddly child & for months i couldn’t cuddle him unles our daughter was asleep – he found it very difficult not to be the baby anymore. we have just been back to China & visited our daughter’s SWI – her & her main nanny ran into each others arms & were kissing & hugging each other – it was gut-wrenching…these poor children go through so much – its just not fair….
liz
Lindsie says
Oh, I’ve seen those eyes before. Our son, born in Ethiopia, he became a part of our family just after he turned 2. He was terrified. He wouldn’t play, or eat, or make a noise (besides a scream) or do much of anything on his own. He slept with his eyes half opened the poor dear was so terrified. Ugh…it makes my stomach tie in knots thinking about it. I have no good advice, it takes time, and love, and prayer…keep her world small as much as you can.
It’s been 16 months since we first saw his terrified eyes and his sweet face. He’s such joy. He’s got the brightest smile and the biggest brown smiling eyes. He’s a totally different boy. You can see his little hear healing. It took months…really…months for us to have more at ease days than frightened days.
I’m sure sweet Poppy will become more comfortable…in time…and lots of love from mom.
Melissa B says
Oh… that was my little girl 4 months ago (almost to the day) in China. It was so, so hard and I don’t know how we made it! In fact, seeing pictures of your Poppy now makes me sad about our first few day with our daughter. I had NO CLUE what to do then and I still don’t know what I could have done better. (I’ll be reading the others’ advice!) but let me encourage you that it does get better! Each day, it gets a little better. (Yes, we have regression at times.) But we have a completely different child in our arms, now. And I’m sure you will, too. I’ll be praying for these tough days and hoping they get a little easier for y’all. 😉
Susan says
you are such an amazing mom with a heart that beats to God’s gentle whispers. My prayer for you is that those “gentle whispers” will be your new “recipe” for Poppy and exactly what she needs as you traverse this uncharted water.
mary says
Keep doing exactly what your doing Stef! You know your girl, she’s scared and she’s in shock but she will turn that corner in time and all will be ok 🙂 Praying out loud for y’all. Mary
Kelly says
One of the best games I ever saw a mama play with her new daughter involved stickers. She sat her new daughter on the bed, and kneeled in front of her. The little girl cried and cried, so the mom pulled out a bunch of tiny stickers and stuck one right on her own face, and then on the little girl’s face. Then she offered the little girl a sticker. she wouldn’t take it at first, so the mama smiled and put it on her own face, and then took another one and put it on the little girls face. Eventually the little girl took one and put it on the mom’s face and started laughing. I remember thinking I needed to file it away in case I was ever able to adopt. It forced both of them to look at each other and eventually they both had a fabulous time. We’ll be praying for your daughter to find peace with her new family.
Lynda T. says
Oh boy, this brings back memories. Our dd was similar to your sweet Poppy when we first met her. In short, the saving grace was the Ergo Baby Carrier that we brought with us. If at all possible get a baby carrier ASAP. It will make life infinitely easier for you all. Especially shopping, exploring, eating and at the airport. You all deserve to make the most of this time and I truly believe a carrier will help her to feel more secure as life must go on. For months after we came home I continued to use it, for her well-being and my sanity as she wanted to be with/on me 24-7. She is now 5, going to Kindergarten in the fall, and doing beautifully. Hang in there, your instincts are superb, your prior experience is invaluable. God has you in His grip and He knows just what you need. I will check in every day and pray for ALL of ya’ll.
Emily says
🙁 our noah didn’t eat for 2 weeks. he was just so sad and not happy-and it was very scary- watching everyone else’s kiddos eat like there was no tomorrow and play and laugh- and our guy just did nothing- no playing, no smiles, nothing. then we left for bejing and it was like a switch was flipped– he began to eat and interact with us. if i put him down- he would just scream– that lasted for months.
time.. be patient like you are being-
have you tried taking her for a walk– will that distract her? or does it upset her?
Doreen says
{{{HUGS}}} to you all. I had the same experience with Faith, DD#1. All she did was cry and ignore me the first week and it was also my first time so I had no idea what to do except what you are doing…being there, rocking her,showing her I was her constant. Faith will be 10 August 22nd and she begs me to tell the story how she “hated” me in China! She thinks it’s hysterical how hard it was for her. Of course she was 10 months at the time!!!! Thankfully, we all know the healing will come. Sadly we must all go through the grieving to get to the gravy.
Lisa O says
Stefanie~I can’t imagine anyone else being more called and equipped to do this but I know that doesn’t make any of this less hard or stressful. You are no doubt missing Chris, too. I know you want to snap away but you’re doing what you are supposed to be doing right now and that is holding her, helping her, loving her. The snapshots are yours forever in your mind and not for us to see. That’s okay, Momma. I think there is something wonderful about day 3 and I hope that will be the case for you and Poppy. I pray your sweet girl will feel peace and love.
I’ll be praying…
Love~
Lisa
Ashley says
Our daughter was the exact same way. We didn’t think she (at 18 mos) could sit up very well and certainly not pull herself up, cruise, etc that the orphanage staff said she could. But, she was just greiving. So so hard.
She turned the corner on day 4 in the pool of the Garden Hotel. After watching a little girl playing with her mom. I truly believe it relaxed her to be around other children. Of course, we’d been with our travel group, but only for the boring, sometimes stressful “adoption” activities. So, I say try to lighten the mood a bit and get together in the play room or the pool with some other kids who DO like you. 🙂 Maybe she’ll see your not so bad…
Oh, and I agree with the music too. Some fun preschool songs in the background as you play or hold her.
My heart goes out to you and Poppy, it’s heartwrenching I know. She’ll get there, don’t worry too much. Best of luck.
Leanne says
Stefanie…
I know it has to be so hard to see someone you love so much be so scared.
I also know this behavior is so common …… But still, it breaks your heart.
Poppy will come around, in her own sweet time.
She is so precious!
Hang in there Mommy and Big Brother……..we are praying for you!!!!
laura jones says
Praying!
Connecting is happening!
God knows, Stephanie!
She is precious and so are you!
God bless.
laura
Kim from 3 peanuts says
Stef,
You are so very wise to do just what she needs and meet her exactly where she is. Some people would try to force it and that would be so wrong. She just needs time to trust. it will come and I will pray along with everyone else here. Poppy is darling, even scared:)
Hugs,
Kim
Crystal says
Congrats on the adoption being official. I will pray for sweet Poppy & for you. I can’t imagine how she must feel. My heart breaks for her & although I don’t know you personally I can tell you are a wonderful mother so I really believe that she will feel safe with you soon.
Suzanne says
If you have an ergo, wear it with her in it. It really helps them feel safe and close. Also, co-sleep with her if you possibly can. Se needs to feel you near her as much as possible. Yes, its hard, but it will help. Once she feels safe you will see her personality.
I think I wore Abby in the Ergo 16 hours out of 24 each day when we were in China. She never slept good until we co-slept and I did that for 4 months. Finally she was able to sleep on her own after that.
She needs the constant contact… keep yourself in her world as much as possible. If you can, feed her something sweet. Sweet foods promote bonding. Seriously. Like hold a sucker and let her suck on it.
Good luck! You and Poppy will be in my prayers tonight….
Love, this South Carolina Mom!
Kim says
Good luck! I’m sure she will warm up. I will pray for you and your family.
Kristin says
Stefanie…..my Abby did the exact same thing as Poppy. It’s been five years but I have not forgotten it. She wouldn’t move at all whether in bed or on the floor. I could put her to sleep on her back and she would not move all night. Abby made no effort to reach for food. If I offered it to her, she would sometimes take it. If she was sitting on the floor and her big sister (one year older) touched her, she’d fall over backwards and not move—-just cry. She made no effort to wrap her legs around us. We had to pry her legs apart to position her on our hips. Abs made no effort to play with or reach for toys. It was hard. Really hard. But we just went with the flow and hoped for the best. By the third or fourth day, she was making a small effort to interact. It was all in very small doses. She would not feed herself but would guide my hand to her mouth. Baby steps. Follow her lead, don’t push too much, limit interaction with others. We traveled on our own so didn’t have a group to meet up with for events. We kept Abby in the quiet confines of the hotels in Nanchang and Guangzhou. We’d just farm out different family members to go do things as needed. (We traveled with our then 15, 12, and 2 year old). If I can find my original post on my blog regarding Abby’s first days, I’ll send it to you via Facebook. Things will improve, I promise. By the way, love the color coordinated outfits of you, Poppy, and Zach!
Laine says
Prayers prayers and more prayers….I am just now able to check in and how sweet it is to see your Poppy with you! I will step up the prayers for her precious little heart and all the transitions she is facing…and prayers for momma’s wisdom ‘in the moment’ each moment!
Sending love and hugs….
kathy says
Loving the pictures and love everyone is color coordinated. lol….. Praying for you and knowing little Poppy is going to love you all! Day three usually shows significant progress as you know. Each child handles the process so differant and known of my 6 girls from China have reacted the same. Some shut down, some have cried, some deal with it thru eating and eating and eating, and others have transitioned easily. I am praising God today that has been Livi’s case snce Im totally alone. I was hoping to see you today on the Island. If you do happen to come this way give me a holler. Im in 909. Kathy
ps I have myy so loved tee on today!
Danae says
I wish I had some words of wisdom and advice. Please know that I am praying for sweet Poppy’s heart. Praying that she will be given a spirit of peace and that her heart will trust that you are her mama and let you love her.
I’m also praying for strength for you.
She is an absolute beauty.
Bless you.
Stacy says
Reliving it – M did not eat or drink or go to the potty for at least 1 day, maybe more. I was very worried about her. Our guide told us – day 3 or 4. Well, yes, on those days things started to change. Its day two – see how things are for the poor girl in a couple of days. Go on an excursion – M loves nature and opened up when we went to a park.
Darlene says
Praying for you all. THe positive side is she is allowing you to hold her. Have you tried children’s music?
Heather says
Oh sweet mama & baby. I am lifting you up in prayers!!! Do you have a baby carrier so you can keep her close & secure while having your hands free? I have one you are welcome to borrow if need be. Email me at heatherneroy at gmail and I will get it in the mail. Many prayers.
Teresa says
Oh I will be praying for you all tonight!! It took Gabriella five days and by then she decided that she may not like us but she would at least tolerate us…then on that fifth night, out by the pool in Guangzhou it happened, she snuggled up on her daddy by the pool as if to say ok I guess maybe you all aren’t so bad…I surrender. I’m praying Poppy feels a little more at ease with each day and that God will give you and her brother patience, peace and direction in how to help your sweet baby girl!
Catherine says
I have no real life advice for you, but something that might help when you get home. Splurge or find an Ergo baby carrier on Craigslist. Carry her around on your back as much as possible. You’ll be carrying her, she’ll smell you, hear your voice, see your blond hair, but she won’t have to confront you. Perhaps it might help her get used to you easier, trust that you are there for her, without her having to deal with eye contact. I wish I could send you one right now- perhaps you can find something similar in China to carry her in. I’ll keep praying that she can find the strength she needs to cope with her little world turning upside down.
Barbra King says
This was us in 2005. Our 20 month old acted just as you describe. We did see a smile or two, but it was mostly crying or no reaction. She clung to us like Poppy looks to be doing too. Not gunna lie. Long road with this little one, but we now know that she is a very sensitive girl. The traumas were a lot for her little brain. Leaving her foster mama to be adopted was just another trauma in a short life filled with them. Holding and laying and carrying and holding some more…it was a huge step in teaching her to trust us. My husband was the comic relief which did get a couple of smiles and laughs here and there especially towards the end of the trip. The crying and clinging always came back but loved seeing those glimpses of a happy her.
Hang in there. I know it is hard to see the other toddlers having a grand time with their new parents!
Praying for you.
Andrea says
The only thing I could do was walk my daughter in a carrier up and down the streets of Taipei. Night after night it was all that would calm her down. It didn’t last forever though. Just keep letting her set the pace and eventually she’ll start to realize you aren’t going to leave her.
Football and Fried Rice says
Joining the gang and everyone else in storming the gates on Poppy’s behalf. Praying her little heart would let down it’s defense. She really is gorgeous. Hugs, sara
Janis says
Maddy was 2 when I adopted her and acted just like Poppy! She was PETRIFIED. For almost a full week. Then came out of her shell. And when she did…………Woo Boy!! I had a wild child on my hands! Be careful what you wish for! Janis momma to 3 guangdong girls
thatgirlblogs says
My daughter, about 2 upon adoption, hated me. But now, you know, it’s all hugs and loves and never looks back. It’s great that Poppy is grieving, it would be worse for her to stuff it down. It’s great that she was so bonded to what must have been loving caretakers. She will be your sweet hip ornament for awhile, but she’s going to come into her own. Praying for you, Mama.