I blogged over at No Hands But Ours today about American Sign Language. In it’s simplest, ‘baby’ form, ASL has made life a heckuva lot easier for our family as we have navigated the oft rough waters of communication breakdown with our newly adopted kiddos.
It’s also pretty cool to be able to holler at your child in public, without saying a word.
Not that I would ever need to do that.
And while I really didn’t want to go off on a tangent over there, I don’t mind doing that here. On my home turf.
Going off on a tangent, that is.
At the very end of my post I shared how teaching Vivi (and all our other kiddos before her) just a few words in ASL has been a huge blessing for us. Seriously. The very first word we teach our kids, and to us one of the most important ones, is “please”. I can’t even begin to tell you what a temper – tantrum – buster this one, lone sign can be.
China is like a vacuum. Unlike anything you’d really ever experience in the real world with your new child. You travel there, after months and months of anticipation, arms overflowing with goodies and dollies and clothes with the tags still on, ready to spoil the heck out of your new baby. And well you should, they’ve been without for far too long. You’ve also got the added bonus of someone doing your laundry, your cooking, your cleaning… you can devote yourself 100% to your new bundle o’ love. And that is definitely time well spent. But beware. It’s a slippery slope and insanely easy to get your new child hooked on some unrealistic expectations and some really bad behaviors. Setting up poor habits in China might be just what sends you over the edge once you return home.
And reentry can be tough.
I am a huge advocate of devoting yourself and your time and your energy fully to your new child while in China. I am an advocate of carrying and co-sleeping in those first few weeks and months if necessary. I am an advocate of feeding goodies to, shopping for and giving gifts to your new child, as a way of teaching them, in an albeit primitive way, that you are good. You are nice. That they should not be afraid of you. And that, if allowed, you will meet all their needs.
If you happen to do that with food and goodies and toys, you’re just speaking their language.
What I’m not a fan of of is spoiled kids. Hurtful actions such as hitting and biting. Temper tantrums. And no consequences for bad behavior. While I’ve never tackled really big stuff, I have had my fill of two-year-old belligerence and 18-month old temper tantrums. And we all know how ugly that can be.
So, where we we?
The sign for “please”, when used correctly, can be a first step in the very positive direction of all things good. Doing, or at least trying to do the sign (obedience) equals getting what the child wants. All while not rolling on the floor, thrashing and screaming. I’m not sure how it works, but there hasn’t been a child yet who has managed to continue to scream bloody murder, and make an attempt at signing “please”. Just can’t do it. So once they stop crying long enough to try to sign, they get what they want. They communicate without crying, and then they get a reward. Positive reinforcement all the way, baby! And it teaches good manners, too.
Another thing that I think is worth insisting on from the beginning is feeding. Of course, you’re not going to want to spoon feed your 7 year old, but since 27 months is the oldest our kiddos have been at adoption, I was able to insist on feeding my kids. And I am so glad I did.
Yes, it’s time consuming. Yes, it can be aggravating. Not to mention messy. But it’s important to do all you can to have them associate their new caregiver (probably you) with food. Which equals, again, good. Kids love to eat. And you want them to come to you when they’re hungry and learn to depend on you to fill this one very basic, and very important, need.
Another thing worth mentioning is carrying, which I sort of already touched on here, as well as in a past rant post. But it’s important to reiterate because at no other time are you going to have a full two weeks off, where all your needs are being met, where you can totally focus on your new child. Use your time well. Carry them. Hold them. Lay with them. It is time really well spent.
Because once you come home, life is going to be chaotic. Wonderful and horrible and absolutely crazy. So my advice, take it or leave it, is to indulge your little one in China. With your time, your love, your attention. But set reasonable limits and don’t allow behaviors way out of your comfort zone to get a foothold. Especially if it’s something you’re absolutely going to have to put your foot down on once you get home. Because by then, the behavior will likely have escalated. It’s one thing if your new child cracks you in the face, but you’re going to be a whole lot more upset if they come home and give your other baby a fat lip.
Setting limits is good. And loving. And really and truly, eventually, brings peace. It’s a tangible reminder to your new child that you are there to keep them safe and protected and out of harm’s way. And there is no better time to lovingly, *gently* begin to introduce those limits than in China.
All while loving them up, 24/7.
This is my first time commenting, and I just want to say how much I admire you for taking on all that you do! The world needs more people like you to open their hearts and homes to children who need love! That being said, I think ASL is a wonderful idea to communicate with your children when they can't talk. My mother is a sign language interpreter for our local school system and she has taught me some basic signs which in turn i used to communicate with both of my kids. They could tell me that they were hungry, tired, thank you, and more, and it made life soo much easier!!
(sorry for the long comment!)
We love ASL also! So much that my sophomore is taking it as his "foreign language" in HS. Sometimes you never know when a love for something begins.
We also used drawn photos of things such as "bed" "eating" "pj's"… Jorja, being almost 5, loved laughing at my art work! 🙂 She still loves to play with the book of drawn photos. 🙂 And still loves to laugh at my art work. 🙂
I was glad you highlighted the benefits of ASL. We have that book and the Signing Time videos that have taught us all to sign with each other. We learned a lot prior to adopting our hearing impaired child, but we've used them so much more now that she is speaking. With everyone using ASL, it encourages Lydia to sign which helps her clarify her needs since her speech is still a bit slurred. On the discipline side of things in China, I would add to have a lot of grace on the unexpected behaviors of siblings. While we never saw any random acts of violence between our girls, we did notice that our oldest "poster child" was pushing boundaries and being generally more "emotional" during our time in China and the month following. We understood this was her way of reacting to the major change in the family and her lack of our full attention. We didn't allow disobedience, but we did discipline with grace while trying to help her understand the cause of her actions and encouraging her to be the little girl we knew her to be. And frankly, I would say that the siblings learned to adjust to the "new normal" faster than Mommy did! 😉
Thank you Stephanie.
We're home with our second daughter since August. She was 22 months at the time and had no language (and was under-developed in many areas). She still has almost no speech and I am now seeking out some help. I waited on the advice of our adoption health center but I'm not comfortable waiting any longer.
But, I realize that I should have started signing right away. But it's not too late. I'm starting today….with "please". (And I'll order this book.)
So, thanks. You're an amazing mentor and example of motherhood.
Wanda (At Last…)
http://www.atlastmilanascominhome.blogspot.com
This is also my first post but I love your blog. I too have a son born with clubfeet. He came home from China last March and was treated with the Ponseti Method. He is walking and running all over the place! We too signed with our kiddos. With our bio kids we started pretty much at birth and with Mason, we started as soon as he was placed in our arms. The best thing we did, by far! Mason just started dropping his signs for words and he is 2 1/2. Thanks for you blog. I love it!
Great post Stefanie and so true!!!
Yep, yep and yep. They need to learn to trust but behaviors that may have gotten them attention in a congregate care environment won't work in a home or in public. So many of our children learned to feed themselves way too young so it's the least we can do. It's helps foster attachment, bonding and nurture. I had my mom travel with me but only I fed, bathed and changed my daughter so she would begin to trust me, rely on me, etc I used ASL with Em and gestures, photos, etc
I think I'll keep this one handy. 🙂 I taught my 3 biological kids sign language from their infancy, but it had NEVER crossed my mind to do it with an adopted toddler/preschooler. Thank you for bringing to mind something that (should be) seemingly obvious. You brought up many other points that were wonderful as well, and DEFINITELY something I want to remember for the future! Thanks for blessing all of us with your wisdom and experience!!!
You said this so well…a very good balance between loving them up and making sure that they don't turn into little monsters.
Such a good post! We do baby ASL here too and you're right — I've never seen a fit and a signed please coexist. Isn't that wonderful? I think signing really cuts down on fits in general; when they have that realization that they can tell you exactly what they want it takes away the frustration and anger. With signs for just please, more, eat, drink and all done we can almost conquer the world. 🙂
This post came at just the right time! Mia was at PT yesterday and I was telling her therapist that I would be interested in teaching Mia some sign language. I asked how to sign "please" first. Mia will say "thank you" and "you're welcome" but not please. Go figure!
I think ASL will definitely cut down on the frustration level and make life a little easier for all of us! Thanks Stefanie!
I can not tell you how much I needed this post today! We are waiting for word to go and bring our son home from China- he is 15 mos and cleft affected. I have already brought ASL into the house and we are learning… I also know the importance of feeding your child at the beginning but for some reason I was beginning to back off in my mind, thinking "oh he probably won't want to be fed and it will frustrate him and blah blah blah". It's so funny because I consider myself to be educated on these issues, to be aware, to be the kind of Mom who gets it. It's just that sometimes while waiting I go to a soft place in my mind. A place where my children have not experienced grief and loss, a place where if they have, then Foster Care took care of it. A place where I do have have to look at the struggles my children face. I needed this today. I need to stay away from the soft place because it just means that I'm not stepping up when they need me to.
So yes, we will feed him, we will carry him, we will set boundaries and we will use the ASL. ALL awesome advice. A great reminder in your post today, thank you.
We used ASL/ baby sign language when we brought Anna home- We were thrilled with it and she caught on so fast!!
We even did a few things with Sarah and it also helped immensely!
(This wasn't encouraged when we had our bio kids- I am so glad it is now. We have movies and books on it! )
What a great post! And a little blast from the past. How is Cole doing?
i think the most important advice i can give, for those first weeks together especially- is to LET your child be the guide. we certainly didn't withhold discipline when it was necessary, but we were consistent, gentle, and loving in our approach. but holding? lying on the bed? we never forced it on our almost 4 year old (or on our terms). she needed to feel safe and to do that, she had to have some control. setting up her own boundaries was essential for her to protect herself and take in this chaotic, traumatic, overwhelming life change. did we do holding time when she was crying and beside herself? absolutely, and for as long as she would allow it or until she settled. but if she became so distraught she was choking on her tears or pushing hard to get away, we then gave in. i think this reinforced that we are entirely present to her, but will also respect her needs. her bed (the second bed in all of our rooms) was HER territory. she would push us, swat at us- etc and shoo us off if we so much as sat on the bed with her. and that was okay. that was "her zone". and gradually, by the time we were well into our White Swan stay, she slowly began to invite us into her space.
kids are not our equals, but they are without a doubt deserving of our understanding and our respect for what they need- especially in those early days.