one year ago.

Okay, it was one year and two days ago. Today.

April 11th, in fact. And Vivienne had settled into our fold so beautifully. I was infrequently, but most definitely, feeling the weight of considering adoption. Again.




Vivienne in April 2010




The process of watching Vivienne blossom, well… it changed me. When she and I met in the Civil Affairs office I worried if she was all there. The way she nodded her head back and forth and stared blankly away, I’m not gonna lie, I was freaked out.

But a few months home – as she received therapy, gained strength and coordination, found her feet (figuratively and literally) – it became so clear that all that potential that was there, well before joining our family. It was just hidden away. Trapped under the weight of hopelessness.




Vivienne at referral in January 2009




Our precious, beautiful girl was just waiting for an opportunity. For a chance. For the time to come when she could, at last, let her little light shine.

And after witnessing that sort of miracle, right in front of my very eyes, I just wondered if there was another child out there, that was ours, struggling with the same weight. Needing to be given that same chance.

I wondered if there was a child He was calling us to.

I’ve shared with y’all before, Chris wasn’t too keen on this idea. And really, neither was I. I really didn’t want to start again either. My hands were full and Vivienne was doing wonderfully… why mess with a good thing?

But my heart didn’t get the memo. And it kept reminding me. So I, in turn, would remind Chris.

“Chris, have you thought about it?”

“No.”

“Okay. Well, if you do think about it, let me know.”

“Okay.”

That was about all that was said on the subject. I needed to know that he heard me, and once he acknowledged that he had indeed heard, my conscience felt clear. At least for a little while.

But one day. April 11th.

I distinctly remember that day because that day was the day I read this post. And it spoke to my heart in a way I’ve not often experienced. So, of course, I shared it with Chris.

He read it. And that was it.

We started this adventure then and there. Having absolutely, positively no clue whatsoever what we were in for.

But here we are, one year and two days later, and I am more in awe of Him than ever. I have learned more about who He is through this than at any other time in my life. Because I had to trust Him, cling to Him, like never before. Through the trials we’ve endured over the last year, I realized that all along I’ve had a choice. Either get to really know Him and allow myself to fully trust Him, or turn from Him and go my own way.

And I realized that many times in the past I have gone my own way. Not being able to see the next step clearly, and not believing, or knowing who He is, there always seemed to be just enough fear and doubt swirling to steal my joy and faith in Him. And so, I decided that I should determine what was best for me.

“Thanks, God. ‘Preciate it Big Guy, but I’ll take it from here.”

And that, y’all? Is craziness. And for some reason, I’d never really looked at it that way.

I mean… hmmm, let’s see… should I trust me or the Creator of the Universe? Me or the One who created me? Me or the One who was, is and always will be?

Ack.

I am so grateful that He opened my eyes to see clearly what it is that I’ve been doing all these years. Trusting Him. But getting scared. Then deciding it’s safer, and easier, to trust myself. And then failing, feeling empty, defeated, and far from Him. And not quite sure why.

And then, as the cherry on the top, often feeling frustrated or angry at Him when things didn’t go “my way”.

Double ack.

Wow… the more He reveals of me, the more I see just how far I have to go. And just how much I need Him every step of the way.

It’s a journey, isn’t it? And I’m so grateful to finally understand who He is well enough to know that He loves me, truly. In spite of my flaws, and failures and infinite shortcomings.

In my yucky, self-seeking, self-serving ways I can go to Him… after all, He loves me not because I am good. Or deserving. Because I am none of those things.

He loves me simply because I am His.

It’s great to look back to see where we’ve been. And where we’ve come. One year and two days ago we began a journey – a journey that isn’t quite over yet, but that has been filled with blessings on the way. Some incredibly difficult times too, but never, ever did He leave my side. This is one journey that has been completely God-inspired and God-lead.

And I’m happy to report that through it all, no feelings of being let down, defeated, or far from Him. Sorrow, yes. Brokenness, yes. But never, ever far from Him.

Finally, I trusted the right One.

But I will bless any man who trusts in Me. I will show My favor to the one who depends on Me. He will be like a tree that is planted near water. It sends out its roots beside a stream. It is not afraid when heat comes. Its leaves are always green. It does not worry when there is no rain. It always bears fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8