Wow. Can it really be?
Just three days until Asher and I get on a big 747 headed to China?
I am so. not. ready.
And, in the midst of needing to pack, organize and prepare, I find myself not, well… myself.
I’m wobbly.
I’m weak kneed.
I’m pretty much a basket case.
I managed to make a run out to pick up some more gifts for the China officials yesterday. And right in the middle of TJ M@xx, I found myself on the verge of cratering.
Just walking by the toy section reminded me of my littles. Of course. But in thinking of them, I suddenly missed them so. In a heart-breakingly painful way.
I ached to not be leaving for China in 3 days.
When I was tucking the littlest boys into bed for the night, snuggling Jude down under his covers, I reminded him to snuggle his new special pillow every time he missed me while I was in China. His eyes became glassy with big, salty tears and he asked if he could please come to China with me. He said how much he loved me. He said how much he would miss me.
And I ached to not be leaving for China in 3 days.
It’s hard, this adoption thing. And the closer you get to it, the more emotional it becomes.
Of course, I’m beside myself with excitement (and a ridiculous amount of nervousness) to hold my new daughter. I can not wait. But the flip side of me going to get her, is me leaving all my other babies.
Here.
Without me.
There’s no doubt my dashing and very-capable husband will do a wonderful job taking over the parental duties 100%. He’s a fantastic father and there isn’t a job around here he can’t do just as well as, if not better than, I can.
But there’s just one thing he is not, and can not be. Their mother.
And just thinking of one of them missing me, or crying for me or needing me makes me ache to not be going to China in 3 days.
Thankfully, I know from experience that once I go through the agony of kissing their sweet faces goodbye and giving them each just one last hug, and somehow manage to get my blubbering self on that big ol’ 747, that I’ll be fine. I’ll be on my way to Vivienne, with my sweet Asher at my side.
It’s just a matter of getting from here to there.
Gosh, I feel for you!! It's still several months before I get on that plane but I can understand the torn feelings. My husband asked me to accompany him to Marco Island in FL for a week for a conference he had to attend and I was a basket case the entire week before knowing I was leaving my 3 at home (even in the capable hands of pop pop and grandma)Let's see a week on the beach with just me and the hubby vs. a week at home with the squabbles and juice boxes?? Believe me, I wanted to stay home so bad even though I couldn't tell the hubby that. All worked out well, but I'm totally there with ya on this!! I'll keep sayin' those prayers! BTW, I love that you're taking Asher! When we travel to S.Korea in the fall to bring home our little one we want to take Ben who will be 11 by then. The others are perfectly happy to stay with the grandparents. I can't wait to see the pics of the two of you there!
Stefanie, Thanks for keepin it real. I'm excited to share your journey with you!! How cool for Asher! : )
Stephanie, it is always hard to leave your little ones behind. Prayers for peace as you go on this exciting journey. Can't wait to see you and Asher in China with Miss Vivi.
I too fell your pain. As much as I am anticipating getting our new son, I am also dreading having to say goodbye to my other angels here at home. I think what makes it even harder this time is that Matt is going as well. I am a worrier and in a situation like this, tend to think of the worst case scenarios.
I know this is a path we have been led on my our Glorious God and He will keep everyone safe.
I CANNOT believe you are leaving in 3 days. I am also looking forward to see how Asher handles the trip since we are planning on taking our 13 year old son this time.
Hugs,
Mandi
I so understand your feelings. Leaving my kiddos, especially Nate who was only 5 at the time, was hard. I will be praying for you as you get ready for this big adventure. Hugs from me to you…
You'll be in my prayers, even though you'll be fine.
Oh my….
I am feeling the same way…
You and your big, amazing family are in my prayers!
Yep. I'm from here to there right with ya!
Prayed for you this morning and will continue to pray for a peaceful and UNeventful time for you and the sweet ones at home.
Sister, I so feel for you. I can only imagine the ache you are truly feeling! We will pray for you and Asher…and Miss Vivi!!
God will be with you all the entire journey! He's with you right now! Rest in Him.
Love you!
Praying for you and know exactly how you feel. Everytime I went to China I have to say I experinced these bittersweet feeleings to until I got back home and had all my babies under one roof. Take care and be safe my friend , your almost there!
I can't even imagine how you must feel….lots of emotions I am sure! Next time we go to China we will only have our toddler since the teenagers said once was enough…LOL. Have a safe trip!
Oh WOW – 3 days! I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Thanks for sharing so those of us who will be in your shoes one day know what to expect. Hope you get everything done and are feeling better!
Oh Stefanie, I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. I have never spent a night away from Vivi and Max since we adopted them and now am faced with the possibility that we might have to leave them when we travel for our boys…thank goodness we have time to somewhat prepare them by letting our BIGS stay with them while Paul and I go away for weekends hear and there. Now the question is how can I prepare ME?
I am so looking forward to following your journey to your ADORABLE Vivi.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Kim
I am praying for you!!
I had a hard time leaving only two for one night of a women's retreat! 3 days! That means a little someone with a V might just be your next Sunday Snapshot (in the US anyways)!
I hear you!! I'm so besides myself with excitement to go, but my heart breaks every time I even begin to think of leaving my little man behind, so I really haven't let myself go there. I'm so, so grateful that my hubby gets to be here caring for him, but I know he'll miss his momma. It doesn't help that he has bronchitis right now – I'm praying he'll be 100% better by the time I leave.
Oh. What a touching post Stefanie. Can't wait to read about your updates to your little one!
Jenny G. back in Macon (we finally got our little one last Sept!!!)
Awww, Stefanie…I've got some tears just reading this…I soooo feel for you…I can't imagine how hard that will be…you & yours are continuously in my prayers…will lift you all up at Mass on Sunday too.
On the other side…what a fabulous trip for Asher!! He must be so excited! I'm sure this trip will make a major impact on him!
Looking forward to seeing sweet Vivi in her mama's loving arms!
Praying here, girl!!
XOXO
Patricia
I remember Mia crying for days before we left on our last trip. It just broke my heart each and every time. Fortunately, we all did ok while we were gone, but it does seem to take an equal amount of energy to leave them as the excitement to bring home your new child. Skype is a wonderful thing.
I can't wait to follow your journey. It will be fun to see with your new traveling sidekick, Asher. I can't believe that Miss Vivi will be in your arms in less than a week. WOW!!
I am going through the same thing right now, even though our travel is still 3 mths away I can't imagine leaving the littles at home but I also can not imagine leaving Rachel in China….Prayers go out to you.
I was a blubbering mess too…for days leading up to leaving. I have never known myself to be so unorganized. We moms understand 🙂 It will be so sweet to see Vivi in your arms!
You are making me cry and I'm not going anywhere! I do remember the heartache of pulling out of the driveway while the little ones were pulling off in their school bus. And I remember Baby BlueEyes crying the whole morning before that. It was horrible, I agree.
I'll be praying for you. I'm going to link to your blog this week, to get my friends and readers to pray for you ALL!
Stefanie,
Thanks so much for sharing your feelings through your blog. I am leaving for Zimbabwe for a medical mission trip with ZOE (Zimbabwe Orphan Endeavor) in 11 days. I KNOW that God wants me to go there, yet I feel torn every time I think about my kids here needing me for something and not being here. Like you, my husband and other "helpers" can handle it, and the leaving will definitely be the hardest part, but, as many times before, your eloquence put words to exactly the things I was feeling.
I look forward to continuing to follow your journey to Vivi. It will be a trip that Asher is sure to treasure forever. Prayers and hugs during these next few days as you prepare to leave to bring home your next precious child.
Sherri
I too just shed afew tears reading your post. I remember that dull ache leaving my baby behind.
Wishing you cyber hugs and an easy trip to get Miss Vivi.
Doreen in Montreal single mom to Faith-Jiangxi & Mia-Sichuan
I can feel your pain and it will be a hard thing to do! I am so happy though that you are doing to get your daughter! Only 3 more days!!
I am already think about leaving my girl here when we go…. brings tears to my eyes. It will be very hard. I think we will Skype so we can see each other once a day! Husband has promised to get another cam for my laptop that we are going to take.
big hugs Stephanie!
Jody
Oh Stefanie, prayers sent your way from CA. I know what you are going thru, it is so hard to leave but knowing your husband is home w/ the kiddos really helps. Before you know it you and Asher will be HOME with VIVI! Your fears and worries will be but a distant memory and your blessings will abound!
Enjoy the journey!
Oh Stefanie…I feel your pain! When it's someone else leaving their children, it's so easy to say…"oh your kids will be just fine." And of course, they always are. But when it's YOUR kids. Gulp. It's the hardest thing ever.
Hang in there! You will be back home in no time.
Easy for me to say.
I'll be praying for you AND your hubby!!
Oh,Stefanie, I feel your pain. I still feel the ache of leaving my little people,…just like it was yesterday…but I remember. I just kept reminding myself that they would have a party everyday with my parents. Your hubby will make sure they are fine…and I'm sure you can skype,right?! Hugs, I'm so excited for you!!
Oh Yes, the anticipation of leaving…It is soooo hard to think of leaving your babies behind. Please know I'm praying for you and Asher and all those sweeties waiting for you when you get back with Miss Vivi.
Thank you for your awesome comment today. I love all you mama's out there!!!
3 DAYS!!!!!!!
Love ya!
Amy
Stef,
I had not looked at it that way. I was only thinking about how excited you must be. I guess it would be so hard to say goodbye to the little ones at home. And I know exactly what you mean about your dashing hubby being extremely capable but not being the mom.
A friend of mine passed away from cancer on Thanksgiving night and even though her husband is amazing with their three girls, I told Dave…even the best Dad is not a Mom. He agreed that a Dad's care and love is different but it is good too. It will be really good for your kids to have that special time with Daddy and they will appreciate you even more when you get off that plane.
AND…Vivi is going to need her Mom for those weeks in China and the others will be fine until Mama gets home. You and Asher will are going to have such a bonding experience too. Going to China was life changing for Will.
I wish you peace and clarity and blessings as you prepare these last few days. i wil be praying for you and I look forward to seeing the journey on your blog:)
Stefanie-
Praying for you here in Colorado. 3 times now, I have left little ones as I headed off to China. My heart was breaking and I was always weeping when I drove away. I just know how hard it is… so I'm praying here for you.
Lorisa
Stefanie-
Praying for you here in Colorado. 3 times now, I have left little ones as I headed off to China to adopt. My heart was breaking and I was always weeping when I drove away headed for the airport. I just know how hard it is… so I'm praying here for you.
Lorisa
Oh sweet girl…do I ever remember those feelings! Praying right now for you! We skyped home everyday…talk about a blessing to see my babies everyday! Cana got to interact with everyone, too…so cool!
I'll never forget our Gotcha day and rushing back to the hotel to video home…you could hear all the squealing and cheering as we waited for the video to come all the way up. There were my babies…talking with their new sissy…our big brother (10 at the time) was sobbing at the sight of the sissy he had longed for & prayed for…absolutely priceless!!!
So, get your hiney over there, get the precious sissy, and hurry home!! Hugs girl!
Wow do you bring back emotions for me from 2 years ago. I balled like a baby thinking I was definitely ruining Ainsley's life by bringing her a little sister… I cried with the Kindergarten teacher as we hugged goodbye.. It was pitiful… But, then I got on that plane, and almost literally woke up in China.. And, a few days later God placed this tiny perfect child, hand picked for me in my arms… Two years later I wait to go back and do it all over again… This time, I leave that tiny perfect child, hand picked for me behind.. It will take everything I've got to say goodbye… But, I know what I have to look forward to.. Another baby, hand picked by God..
I love your precious Mommy heart Stef! Your children are sooooooo blessed! I know you are going to do it.. Because God is going to give you the strength to do it!!
I will be praying for those precious perfect children of yours too!!!!
Love,
Diana
Three days?!! Oh man, my stomach turned over when I read that (in a good way). Crazy! Sending you huge good wishes.
there nothing more I can say that hasnt already been said
just
prayers and hugs for yOU!!!
Yes!! You just articulated what I have been feeling for three days now. We leave on the 13th to bring our daughter home from China too. I have had a hard time describing how part of me is so excited to finally hold our girl but the other part of me is just devastated at the thought of leaving my kids behind. It's tearing me up inside. Thanks for posting this…it's comforting to know that I am not alone in this:)
Have a safe trip. I think we will just miss each other in Guangzhou.
Blessings,
Joy
http://www.shesworththewait.com
You explain it so eloquently… and so perfectly, this often excrutiating and soul burning journey of rescue called special needs adoption. Those days and hours before getting on that plane and putting our lives aside for the sake of one child… our child. I've never felt such dread or such seperation anxiety! It takes your breath away. I've also never experienced anything that brings me closer to seeing the way Christ loves us… each of us.He left it all and suffered it all to save me, how can I do less for these babies? Our recent addition,(Lanzhou) home six months this week, is leaning over my shoulder asking for bubble gum as I write this, He's not gettin it:-) You will come home precious Mamma and so will this child who waits. Thanks for encouraging so many of us, thanks for being 'real'. You reach more than you could ever know.
I love this. I was on the verge of tears from the start of your post….this line-
"But there's just one thing he is not, and can not be. Their mother."
threw me over the edge!
The love you have for your hubby- and for your children…just one reason that you're so perfect for the job!
Sending you strength and endless blessings during your trip.
OH Stefanie I am SO WITH YOU ON THAT! We left our children in amazingly capable and loving care but it does not take away the aching you feel when you MISS THEM!
It will go fast! AND, you will all be together as a family and it will be SOOOO worth it!
Best wishes as you travel! I look forward to hearing of your trip and your new darling daughter!!
Hang in there, Stefanie!!! They will be fine and so will you:)
There is always a cost. Isn't there? In getting from here to there. And you know from experience. His there is always worth it. For everyone.
Praying for you ALL!
Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
Kim
My husband and I leave in 7 days for our first adoption. I am a really nervous! Thank you for posting that. It helped me to know that I am not alone.
god it's so close now. i look back to that first announcement about isabelle and can't believe where life has taken us stef.
i remember your first blog and being the lone commenter (or almost, anyway) now to both of us- telling our stories to the world and having come to places we never dreamed we would.
i can't wait for this next adventure. 9 is truly such a FINE number.
You are always so genuine! So lovable! So YOU!!! HOping and praying that the time will fly and you will ALL be together!
Lots of love,
Anna
Hugs, sweet friend! I remember all too well those last tearful good-byes. I have one daughter who just hates to be separated from me–the other kids do better. But you know what? God has become her comforter when I have had to be gone. She prays…He helps. She has a deeper relationship with the Lord because of our adoption trips. 🙂
I have always said its not the leaving them, its the being away from them.
My girl (13) cries her eyes out everytime I have to go away for business. Of course I would not leave her with anyone who I know would not provide the same care I would (most time its probably better). Its the thought of being away and missing the day to day activities and the not being able to drop everything and be there should something happen.
Safe travels, can't wait to see that precious girl in your arms!
I was just thinking about you today. Big day for you tomorrow, I believe. You, Asher and Vivi are in my thoughts and prayers.
Bigs hugs,
Michelle