Tallula Mae.
She came to us as a surprise.
A big surprise.
In mid-May of last year, we were still reeling from the passing of our beautiful Esther when our agency contacted us to broach an incredibly painful subject.
What exactly did we want to do with our dossier for Esther?
It took us days to even be able to consider *thinking* about it. How could we? All we wanted was Esther. Our hearts ached for her. Thinking of anything else seemed to minimize who Esther was to us. And the place she would always hold in our hearts.
But we prayed for – more than anything our hearts or heads might be telling us – God’s will. He had shown up as never before when we were working to bring Esther home. We had seen His hand moving so very clearly. And we both knew that He had not abandoned us. That Esther’s death was not a surprise to Him. And that, more than anyone, He loved Esther, too.
And so we determined to trust Him above all.
Wresting with the weight of such a big decision, I simply felt lost. In a fog. I determined that Chris should make the final decision and that I should simply wait. I knew that no matter what I was feeling – which truly changed from minute to minute, hour to hour – that I was not in a place to decide anything, much less the future of our family. I knew God was near, but I had no idea what He wanted. Or where He was leading.
Chris took his time. And then, when he had a peace about his decision, he told me, putting all our faith in God, that we were to leave that door open. That we would consider another referral if our agency could find a child that would match the parameters set forth by our homestudy for Esther… which meant it would have to be a girl, under three, with one of a handful of special needs.
We notified our agency. Then we waited some more.
I can’t say that this time of waiting wasn’t fraught with emotion. The whole spectrum of emotion, it seemed. We were awaiting news of our TA for Poppy and our whole family was so very excited. Yet we were still deeply mourning the death of our Esther and having to find a new normal without her in our future. I was torn between joy and grief. And feeling guilt over both.
So, adding the possibility of being matched with another child pretty much blew my mind. I think I sort of went into auto-pilot – just moving steadily in the direction that God had made so very clear: bring Poppy home. I can’t say I was hopeful that we’d be matched, but I can’t say that I wasn’t hopeful either. God just carried me through. I was so grateful that I didn’t have to wrestle with any additional anxieties burdening my already aching heart.
One day the phone rang. The new shared list had come out and our agency had locked in a file for us to consider. But they had reservations. This little one had some serious special needs, very serious. Did we want to review the file?
We agreed to have them send it to us. Since we had an absolute peace about Esther’s very complex heart defect, it had crossed our minds that God might use us to help another little one with a significant special need.
But from the first glance at her file, we both knew she was not our daughter. It wasn’t easy to admit, as it suddenly seemed to my heart that finding another child that so desperately needed our help would make some sense out of Esther’s passing. But my wanting it to be so didn’t make it so. And God made that clear. We asked our agency to release her file back to the shared list.
Several weeks later, we received another file. This little one had significant needs as well. Some needs we had honestly always considered to be out of our comfort zone. But there was a red thread to this child and so we prayed. And researched. And prayed some more. To be honest, I assumed that because of the very big red thread wrapped around this child that it must have meant that she was ours.
In the days that followed, though, God showed me again that my feelings were flawed. He just would not give me a peace about her being our daughter. Part of me was so badly wanting to see God bring something wonderful out of Esther’s passing. But we could not deny that He was telling us “no”. And so, although it pained us, we told our agency that we would not be able to pursue this little one who needed a mom and a dad so desperately.
God was at work, we knew it. But we were more confused than ever. And honestly, more exhausted than ever.
And we were set to travel for Poppy in less than a month.
Then I received an email from someone I didn’t know. She shared with me that there was a little one on a special needs list that was from Poppy’s orphanage. And that her special need was the same as Esther’s… the same, very serious heart defect. I wasn’t sure what to think. But I certainly was curious. I dug around the internet and managed to find her picture. And, amazingly, friend of a close friend had actually requested and received this child’s file – and lovingly forwarded it to me. Once Chris and I sat down and had a look at her file, we were both undoubtedly drawn to her… could it be? The same orphanage as Poppy? The same special need as Esther?
Our hearts were pricked.
So we pursued it. We contacted our agency and asked them to find out the status of her file. Could we possibly bring her home? We prayed. We began to feel like, maybe, we really did have another daughter waiting for us to bring her home.
A few days later, we got the news. This child had already been matched with a family. We were happy for this little one, but sad for us. It simply seemed that God was closing the door.
I was ready to get off the roller-coaster. I just wanted to be done. We asked our agency if we could just put our dossier for Esther on hold and wait until we were home and settled for Poppy before considering adding to our family again. And they, in turn, asked the CC@@. The reply we received was not one we wanted to hear, though. We were told that if we did not submit an LOI for another child by Poppy’s adoption date, that our dossier for Esther would expire. And that if we did submit an LOI, it would have to be for a child from the special focus list.
The next shared list was set to be released on June 29th… the last shared list that would come out before it would be time for travel. And we had spoken with our agency at length about the needs we were open to, and those that we were not. Chris and I knew that it would be like finding a needle in a haystack. But that nothing is impossible for God. And that if God was willing to trust us with another child, we would rejoice at His goodness.
June 29th came and went. As did June 30th. The phone did not ring. An email with a file for us to consider did not come. And we assumed that God had spoken.
But on July 1st, the phone did ring. And we did get an email with a file to consider. And we, simply, could not say no.
Because she was our daughter.
Younger than we thought. Different special need than we thought. But somehow, most definitely, ours.
And we learned, once more, that God is in control. And that we, most thankfully, arenot. And we rejoice in the abundant love that He has lavished on us.
Welcome, sweet Tallula Mae.
We cannot wait to bring you home.
No one’s ears have ever heard of a God like You.
No one’s eyes have ever seen a God who is greater than You.
No God but You acts for the good of those who trust in Him.
Isaiah 64:4
Congratulations! What an amazing story about your precious new daughter. I cannot wait to see Tallula in your arms! 🙂
Awww, YAY!! Congrats!!
So happy for you. Love the verse and what a testimony!
Congratulations to your family, she’s beautiful and one lucky little girl
What a beautiful story! So thankful that he turns our mourning into dancing. He is such a sweet and caring Father.
She is simply precious! 🙂
super cute referral pic! love how her eyes smile at you!!!!!
She has the most squeezably gorgeous cheeks! I want to reach right into the picture and rub them. Have you guys gotten any updated pictures? She’s almost 2 now isn’t she? As much as I would have loved updated pictures of Maya or XiXi, we didn’t get any during our wait, and in some ways, it was kind of a fun surprise to see how much they’d grown and changed! How much hair do they have? How tall are they? Do they still have the baby fat or have they slimmed down? Will I recognize them? So, so exciting!
in tears!!!! amazing how our loving God brings families together!!! 🙂
WOW—she is just adorable!!!!! I love who God has carved this beautiful path in your life. He so clearly chose you and Chris to build this amazing family. You are all So very blessed. You have our prayers.
Kim
I meant HOW Go carved your path not who:(
I love how our Lord works. May this little chubalump truly know the love of a dear family and incredible savior!!!
It’s an awesome story. And she’s adorable. That referral pic made me chuckle out loud. What a face – like she’s saying, “Yeah, go ahead. Try and say no to me. You can’t and I know it.” And now, you know it, too. Praying, praying, praying for our turn to be so.certain. – we’re trying so hard NOT to look at lists till the dossier is ready to send. Cuz it hurts my heart way too stinkin’ much to do so. And The Boss is a bigger mush than I 🙂 So happy for you. So excited for Tallulah Mae. And again, what a great little name. 🙂
Is Tallula Mae the name the agency gave her or the name you have given her? It seems you did a poll on what to name Poppy. Just curious.
And Congratulations!
Whenever I read your blog I think of the ache there must be not having TWO baby girls running around the house. Talulla will be a healing salve–and as you have stated, not a replacement for Esther who will always hold her own place in your family.
We lost our son to cancer during our adoption process. Our son had a relapse and suddenly past away just weeks before we were to travel to adopt our son from Vietnam. I would have never chosen that timing–and we had to question whether we were still able to continue on–but we knew Vu was already ours even tho he was still in Vietnam. He was already our son. Our Vu has been the light and joy of that time of deep darkness. He has been our healing salve. God knew we needed Vu to continue to live life. I believe Talulla will be your light and healing salve–a girl filled with incredible JOY! Congrats! So happy for you all! Ann
PS We will be in China soon–maybe we will see you there!
She is absolutely adorable. I cannot wait to hear more about her. Congrats!
Sweet sister, I’m so glad you finally get to share what God’s been up to! TM, you are just precious!!!!! And I just thought I’d let you know if you need a travel companion, I’m game 🙂 🙂 🙂
Stephanie, you so honor us by sharing the details of your precious story. Thankyou for entrusting us in the Adoption Community with your open heart. We rejoice with you!
I would love to hear, as a mom of only 5, how you and Chris pour into your marriage and make it strong for God to enable you both to lead your family!
From Adrian’s (Yeti) wife (-:
~Roberta
I am so happy for you guys. Awesome story and honestly, your family has been an inspiration to our family And when praying about adding #5 to our family (2bio 3 adopted), I would frequent your blog As I found comfort in watching you guys grow your family as well as doing dave Ramsey.
I did want to ask where you are in the process? We are waiting for LOA and based on your referral date I am assuming you are farther along in the process than us. Where are you currently? It would be cool to meet you in china but that probably won’t happen as we won’t be in china till late may early June. Oh well. So happy for you and your family!!!!!
Christy 🙂
Oh. my. goodness. Those CHEEKS!!!! I know you can’t wait to smooch them!!!!
Thank you for sharing from a place so real. Your faith, your marriage, and your growing family is such a testimony to what an Almighty God can do. Keeping you all in prayer and can’t wait to see the newest Little Miss with her big, amazing family!!!!
simply amazing… what a beautiful young, rosey-cheeked blessing you have waiting for you! congrats.
Goodness those cheeks just could not be more lovable!!! And, I love her sweet sweater. “Lovely Girl” is an understatement!!! She is all that and so much more! Hand picked by God by two parents who have the most unbelievable ability to hear God speak… She is so yummy I can’t stand it!!!!!
God’s hand prints are ALL over this sweet baby girl!
Go Get Her!!!
Love,
Diana
(Who still has to catch up on NHBO!!)
LOVE seeing this story in black and white.
LOVE seeing the journey God is taking yall on.
LOVE how you give Him the praise.
LOVE how you waited on HIM to confirm the child for you, not your own ideas and not YOU trying to make it fit into a really neat God package of redeeming the loss of Esther (that convicted me because so often I find myself making up the plan and then stamping God’s Name on it, so to speak)
LOVE Miss Tallula
LOVE all of you!
What a special, special story! Thanks for sharing!
I am praying for your family and sweet Tallula Mae as you begin this journey. God Bless you!!
Our God is so good and you are so very blessed.
Her sweater says it all….’lovely girl’:-)
Congrats!
I just have to say that I get the same feeling from the photo of Tallulah as I do from Esther’s. THe somberness, their eyes – jsut takes my breath away. Congratulations!
So much of what you wrote resonates with me. We have walked similar roads, you and me, and we’ve both seen the goodness of God in the midst of unspeakable pain. He is so good. Love you sweet friend…and can’t wait to get to “know” beautiful Tallula Mae!
Oh my goodness!!! Your story just gave me big chills and tears ….. WOW!
So happy for you! We are almost DTC for our 2nd adoption!
Also, I am CRAZY about her name
Congratulations!
Congratulations!! What a marvelous God we serve!
Thank you for sharing your precious story with us! What an incredible blessing…what an awesome God we serve!! Can’t wait to see Tullula in your arms and home with her family! Love and blessings!
simply gorgeous
simply a perfect match
simply Tallula Mae!
oh my that post made me cry! But what a wonderful story and such cute cheeks!!
Oh MY GOODNESS! Seriously? Could those CHEEKS BE ANYMORE KISSABLE? 🙂 She is absolutly a DOLL baby:)
I know that feeling you had when you saw her, it was the same one we had when we saw our Madeline!:)
Congratulations:) This was 7 months ago that you got the referral?!? Are you close to travelling?:-)
we pray for that sweet girl on a regular basis! come home, tallula mae!!! and you, stef, need to pass out tissues with your posts!
Amazing. Simply amazing. I can’t wait to see her in your arms!
Congratulations- she is an absolute beauty! What a wonderful addition she will surely be to your family!
Thanks for always sharing so transparently- hearing your story is always an encouragement to me!
Wow!! What wonderful news Stephanie!! I just felt I should check in today and see how everything is going……and what a happy surprise. She is absolutely adorable…..and those cheeks!!! I bet you can’t wait to get her home so all her brothers and sisters can give them a good old squeeze! Congrats!
Congratulations Stephanie, she is an absolute ANGEL!!!
God Bless,
Diane
Oh Good Lord! Couldn’t help breaking into a chuckle when I came upon that beautiful picture! What cheeks!!! Tallulah will bring you so much joy!! I know EXACTLY how you feel having been tugged so much after we lost Daniel, but it was much the same in that we truly felt God’s hand in finding Charlie for us! There will be bittersweet times, for sure, but the GOOD will always outweigh the bad. God bless you for opening your hearts and LISTENING! I wish we were going back again!!!
Love and prayers,
Lisa Murphy
Love her! Want to kiss those cheeks!
What a precious picture! She is a “lovely girl” for sure.
Oh, that roller coaster!! Yuck! But so worth it all! I adore the picture of Tallula on the sidebar!!!
Thank I for sharing. Gives me chills how God works through the faith of his people. so excited for u all!
I cried the whole time reading this. Life can be so difficult sometimes. I can’t imagine going through all that, but then you look at her picture. She is just so wonderful and so worth it. So excited to hear more about this little angel!
Oh my god, congrats!! So you must be pretty far in the process, right?!!
OH. MY. GOODNESS. GRACIOUS. She is the most beautiful thing EVER! And that FACE!! It melts my heart! I hope you can get to China ASAP to bring her home!!! She is AMAZING!!!! Ahhh! You guys are so blessed!
That is wonderful news! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!
She is precious and SO kissable! ^_^
What a blessing. Isn’t it funny when we “realise” that God really does know what He’s doing?!!! LOL… I do it all the time!!! Congratulations, Tallula is perfect.
Congratulations Stefanie!! She is so beautiful as is the story that brought her to you,
If we listen, he will always show us the path to follow…… so glad you heard him loud and clear!!!
Wishing you another miraculous journey to China and back…. I cannot wait to follow along:)
xoxoxo,
Lisa
Oh Stefanie, congratulations to you and the rest of your family! She is positively adorable!! And for some reason she looks to me like she’d have the best belly laugh….can’t wait to see if I’m right. I hppe you’re right about traveling this spring, cuz that’s SOON. So exciting.
Gin =)
What an amazing story! Continued prayers for y’all!
Well, you might as well go for a dozen now. 11 is for quitters. Just kidding.
Congratulations. Jenn.
Oh my goodness! She is beautiful!
Isn’t God good?!? Thanks for sharing your story!
Congratulations!
Wow! God is so good! Congratulations!!!! She’s absolutely beautiful!!
Congratulations! We pray for a safe journey to her, that she seamlessly fits you all, and that she grows in grace, beauty, and knowledge of Christ. Much love.
hello, your website touches my heart every time. May God bless you and your family always. My husband and I are just starting the adoption process. We are from North Carolina but live in Singapore and before that Beijing. I’ll be praying you have a smooth process getting your beautiful girl home.
Tica
So thrilled for you all. Thank you for sharing this. We feel led to start our second adoption, and having been seeking His will as well. We’ve had several doors that should have been open, close in the most crazy ways, and while it’s been hard, while it hurts, we are thankful for a God that cares for us, and guides us. However, it is feeling like a rollercoaster and I’m not a fan of thrill rides. This post touched me so much, and reminded me, that God is all in the details, nothing is too great for HIm, and it will be glorious in His time and plan. Thank you. Praying for you and all yours.