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Esther’s Flowers

I miss her.


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Funny how you can miss someone you’ve never even met.


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But you can.


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And I find myself wishing desperately that I had something, anything of hers.


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It would bring me such comfort.


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But I don’t.


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We’ve received several absolutely beautiful flower arrangements in memory of Esther.


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And I find myself entranced by them.


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They remind me of her.


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Beautiful. Delicate. Intricately designed.


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And so, I tried to capture them. In memory of my Esther.


EsthersFlowers-0562

I miss you, my little delicate one.


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05.14.11 · Esther 58

Comments

  1. Kim S says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:16 AM

    Stephanie and family,
    I cannot even begin to know the pain you feel at your loss. I read your last post and tears just flowed. My family and I are praying for you at this time. The flowers are beautiful… and your photos, WOW! You have captured the delicate, exquisite, uniqueness of their beauty.
    Hang onto God’s love… We will stand in the gap for you…

    Reply
  2. Teri says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:18 AM

    I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Esther. Eternity awaits …

    Reply
  3. Jenny says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:34 AM

    Those are the most beautiful photos of flowers I’ve ever seen.
    How fitting.
    Esther is smiling at them, mom.

    Reply
  4. The Gang's Momma says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:36 AM

    A lovely and fitting tribute. Still praying and asking the Lord to let His healing power flow over you all. Hugs from afar…

    Reply
  5. Colleen says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:51 AM

    These are gorgeous….and they make me cry…
    I miss you too, Essie Monster…
    Love you

    Reply
  6. Diane says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:51 AM

    Oh Stefanie, they are so beautiful and alive! Just as your sweet Esther lives in perfect peace. The longing to belong in her tiny weak heart is gone and replaced with indescribable joy and contentment. She is vibrant and glowing and alive, an orphan no more!
    Praying The Life that fills Esther now will comfort you as you grieve her loss and as you lay down your dreams of what the future would hold for you as her mother. Your dreams of what you both would share. Praying that God would fill you with life and breath and joy and peace and strength, and gratefulness for being a part of His secret plan.
    May He hold your sweet heart tenderly in His own, as He holds your sweet little girl!

    Reply
  7. Chrissie says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:54 AM

    Thinking of you and your family…God bless you all.

    Reply
  8. Rita says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:02 AM

    What beautiful flowers for a lovely little girl. You and your family are in our prayers as you miss your sweet daughter and sister.

    Reply
  9. Holly says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:15 AM

    I know it’s a long shot Stefanie, but do you have any connections at her old orphanage? Is there someone who would mail something that she wore, or maybe a toy she loved- ANYTHING, SOMETHING, prehaps to your agency for you? You were much farther along in the process than we were when our special China blossom went to Heaven. We could not ask for anything. The orphange director spoke with our agency and told them that this little girl was very sick and getting worse and was not adoptable. She told them to tell us to “choose another child” as if you could possibly replace one with another.
    Our stories are not the same, not at all and I can not say I understand your heartbreak.
    You ARE Esther’s Mommy.
    I only wanted to be AnMei’s Mommy.
    I have wondered more about Heaven since her passing than I ever have before.
    It will be a pleasure to one day meet your little one there!
    Maybe your agency would inquire to Esther’s old orphanage to see if they could send something small that she wore or loved for you.
    Praying for your family at this very painful season.
    Holly

    Reply
  10. Jenny says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:19 AM

    With so much love, please know that we are praying for you.

    Reply
  11. Rebecca says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:34 AM

    ((hugs)) I wonder if it would be possible if a family in China right now can bring something home? A shirt, sock? Something?

    Reply
  12. Brenda says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:38 AM

    Stephanie, Your strength, faith and trust are an inspiration. What a lovely tribute to your sweet Esther. Praying for your family during this difficult time. Keep trusting and loving, your an amazing mom and family.

    Reply
  13. TanyaLea says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:47 AM

    Stefanie ~ my heart is still breaking over and over and over again for you. I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes, and just the mere thought brings the emotions flooding in. Every time I see our ‘So Loved’ tees, I will think not only of sweet Poppy, but of your precious Esther as well… she will not be forgotten!

    So thoughtful of those who sent you flowers. Yes indeed, your mama heart is grieving deep, and your baby girl should be celebrated and remembered in her short life. It blesses me to know some of those ladies who reached out to you in rememberance of your precious girl.

    “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” ~ Matthew 5:4

    ((((hugs))))

    love you,
    Tanya

    Reply
  14. Chelsea Gour says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:48 AM

    Chris and Stefanie, I can not even fathom what you are going through. But, I am so very sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  15. AniaJ says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:55 AM

    Beautiful and delicate flowers such as the little Treasure who is in Heaven now.
    Hugs!

    Reply
  16. Kim says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:57 AM

    All I can say is that your heart felt words, your captivating photographs, and the majesty of His blooming creations seem to have captured all that was Esther. Just as a Momma’s heart would know like no other.
    Lifting you in prayer from Hong Kong,
    Kim

    Reply
  17. Connie says

    May 14, 2011 at 3:27 AM

    Oh, Stefanie, what a beautiful idea! I miss her too. We’ve been praying your precious baby girl home for a while now, and it’s so hard to accept that instead of coming home, she has gone home to her heavenly Father…but we know His plans are good! Love you, Sister!

    Reply
  18. Casi P says

    May 14, 2011 at 3:38 AM

    I have been following your blog for about two months and have loved being a part of Esther and Poppy’s road to home. I am heartbroken that Esther did not make it your home, but rejoicing that she is in Heaven with Jesus. Your family is in my prayers. I look forward to reading more about your blessed family 🙂

    Reply
  19. Jean says

    May 14, 2011 at 4:24 AM

    Oh Stefanie- such a dear precious child of God’s- whose life was much too short.

    The flowers are so beautiful and your pictures captured their uniqueness. They are just like your dear little girl- intricate and unique in every way- one of a kind, hand made by our Heavenly Father.

    Continuing to send prayers your way…

    Reply
  20. Kelly says

    May 14, 2011 at 4:28 AM

    Simply beautifully created with a delicate and perfect hand, just as she was created.

    Reply
  21. Sarah says

    May 14, 2011 at 4:29 AM

    My heart is breaking for you… thinking of all of you and praying for you often over the past couple of days.

    Reply
  22. tish says

    May 14, 2011 at 4:57 AM

    what beautiful keepsakes you have made with these photos.
    wish i could hug your neck.

    Reply
  23. Sara says

    May 14, 2011 at 5:21 AM

    Oh Stefanie… 🙁 I’m so, so sorry. I absolutely understand missing someone you haven’t met – I can remember feeling it myself as we waited for our sweet girl to come home, and I would go into her room and hold onto a blanket we had bought for her, and in a small way I would feel a little bit closer to her. I know you loved your sweet girl so much, and have been carrying her in your heart. That is the truest and deepest kind of knowing… your hearts were connected as mother and daughter. I’m so very sorry for your loss 🙁 Do you have anything special like a blanket or lovie that you had bought for Esther that you could hold onto? It’s not the same as something that was actually hers in China I know, but it might help a little tiny bit.
    Keeping you and your sweet family in my prayers always. Love, Sara

    Reply
  24. Stacy says

    May 14, 2011 at 10:06 AM

    there are no words……………………..so sad.

    She is an innocent though, now in Jesus’ arms.

    Reply
  25. Sue Mom of Two says

    May 14, 2011 at 10:29 AM

    Stefanie and Chris, My heart just broke to read about little Esther. I can’t even fathom the pain you are going through now. I know it might be hard for some people to understand how you can grieve for someone you never held in your arms, but I know you do. You have been thinking and praying for her for months, and she was in your heart.
    I guess the only thing I can say is God has a plan, and we have to always trust that HIS plan is the best path.
    Keeping you and your wonderful family in my prayers.

    Reply
  26. joy says

    May 14, 2011 at 11:30 AM

    Such beauty! And just imagine how much more beautiful heaven must be! Esther is enjoying all that splendor right now!

    Reply
  27. Jennifer says

    May 14, 2011 at 11:39 AM

    We will continue to pray for you and your family.
    Sending love and hugs your way!

    Reply
  28. Debz says

    May 14, 2011 at 12:59 PM

    Stephanie, …….I can’t begin to imagine. When I seen this post I could almost smell the flowers…breath them in deeply and and treasure the images in your mind that will always be there of your sweet Esther.
    Praying for you and your family. …

    Reply
  29. Michelle says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:22 PM

    Stefanie – I have been at a loss for words. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I pray that knowing Essie is in her Father’s arms will help to comfort you. {{Prayers, Hugs and Love}}

    Reply
  30. Nikki says

    May 14, 2011 at 1:23 PM

    Continuing to pray for you….I completely understand missing someone you never met. Take comfort in knowing you will see and be with Esther someday. She is very much a part of you and your family. When our baby girl passed, we created a memorial garden and released 2,000 ladybugs. It gave us a little closure and also honored McKenna’s memory. We do not want her memory forgotten. I am so, so sorry that you and your family are going through this pain. You have so many prayers coming your way.

    Nikki

    Reply
  31. April Z. says

    May 14, 2011 at 2:12 PM

    I’m still thinking of you and sweet Esther and praying for God’s comfort for your family. I have 2 children in heaven and it always hurts, but God is good and gives us so much hope in knowing they are completely whole with him and we will see them again.

    Reply
  32. Karen Whitt says

    May 14, 2011 at 3:31 PM

    Lamentations 3;19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
    the wormwood and the gall!
    My soul continually remembers it
    and is bowed down within me.
    But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:
    The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
    his mercies NEVER come to a end:
    they are new every morning:
    great is your faithfulness.
    “The Lord is my portion.” says my soul.
    “therefore I will hope in him.”
    Ms Steph the pain is so raw right now, But God’s word will speak and give hope. I lost a baby, we named Madison and these verses were my lifeline through that experience. Now the body of Christ will intercede and care for your family. We too have a special place in our bedroom where I have a P. Buckley Moss print of a baby in a heart hanging. She personalized it for us with the babies name. It is precious to me. Please know your in my prayers, my heart aches for you, I was so saddened.

    Karen Whitt

    Reply
  33. Leanne says

    May 14, 2011 at 4:15 PM

    Stefanie…..
    Just can’t stop thinking about you. Still praying so hard for your family. I wish I knew you in person….actually I wish you were my next door neighbor. You are such an inspiration to all of us!
    The flowers are so beautiful, just like your sweet baby Esther.
    We love you.

    Reply
  34. Dita says

    May 14, 2011 at 5:52 PM

    Grieve, Mama…its the only way to get to the next step…and you will get there, in time.
    Esther is, indeed, in the reminder of the perfection, beauty and the many intricacies of those flowers.

    Reply
  35. Leslie says

    May 14, 2011 at 6:46 PM

    Beautiful flowers and a beautiful tribute from your broken heart.

    I am thinking of you often and lift you up when I do.

    I wish there were words, but really there are none fitting here.

    I was thinking that there has to be a way for you to have something of hers. I don’t know but I just wish there was some way.

    I wish I could just sit and cry with you in person.

    Your sweet angel will never be forgotten Stefanie.

    Hang onto hope.

    Reply
  36. Suzette says

    May 14, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    These pictures are so gorgeous! Praying for you and asking for God’s peace to fill your heart. I think it would be such a beautiful memory to frame these pictures next to a photo of precious Esther along with a scripture of how God loves her. Just a thought. Hugs!

    Reply
  37. Brandi says

    May 14, 2011 at 7:06 PM

    Praying.

    Reply
  38. Cathy says

    May 14, 2011 at 7:06 PM

    I do not begin to understand the pain you are going through..but i offer prayers for you and Ive shed tears for your loss…and am moved by your courage and kindness and faith and Im a stranger to you but know you are in my thoughts and prayers..you inspire me and your love for Esther inspires. She is in the kingdom of God..she suffers no more..Death is always about the living not the dead.

    Reply
  39. Courtenay says

    May 14, 2011 at 7:43 PM

    Thinking about you and your family today. My tears overflow for your loss. Im so sorry! I will still be praying for you. God Bless
    Courtenay

    Reply
  40. Karin says

    May 14, 2011 at 11:59 PM

    What a beautiful tribute to remember your sweet baby girl. I have been thinking about you and praying for you so much. I am so very sorry. Hugs to you, sweet friend.

    Reply
  41. Angie Thomas says

    May 15, 2011 at 12:13 AM

    Stefanie-
    I am incredibly heartbroken for you and your family. As I have placed myself in your shoes…I truly can not imagine the pain. We are adopting from the Dominican Republic and recently received our referral for a sweet little boy. Once you see their precious faces… it is instant love. Please know that I am praying for you… for your heart. I pray that you will find peace in God’s plan for your family.
    Blessings-
    Angie
    http://ourtreasureourheart.blogspot.com

    Reply
  42. Lynn Kiefer says

    May 15, 2011 at 12:59 AM

    Maybe we could all contribute a scrap of fabric for her “100 Wishes Quilt.” Then you could wrap yourselves, literally, in our love and prayers. I’m sure you are familiar but for any readers who aren’t…
    In the northern part of China there is a tradition of making a Bai Jia Bei, or “100 Good Wishes Quilt.” It is a custom to invite 100 people to contribute a square patch of cloth. The 100 squares are then sewn together into a quilt that contains the luck, energy, and good wishes from all the family and friends who contributed a piece of fabric.

    Reply
  43. Shana says

    May 15, 2011 at 1:17 AM

    Stephanie,
    My heart breaks for you and your precious Esther. I’m so so sorry.

    Shana

    Reply
  44. Kristi says

    May 15, 2011 at 1:41 AM

    My heart hurts with you…

    Reply
  45. Eileen says

    May 15, 2011 at 2:24 AM

    Stunning flowers and gorgeous photos.

    I can’t help but think that our agency’s China contact person could get more information for you and possibly something of Esther’s–a blanket or a toy. I can totally understand that you would want that. You deserve that.

    Love to you and your family.

    Reply
  46. Stephanie says

    May 15, 2011 at 2:43 AM

    Stefanie. I’m so so sorry. I have a flood of pain for you, as I have been there. I lost my sweet Meilynn 5 days before we were to travel to China to get her in September 2009. She had a heart problem also. Oh, how I ached. We were told nothing, just that her health deteriorated and she was no longer adoptable – by anyone. We imagine she went to be with Jesus also. We long for her to be in the arms of Jesus as that would be sweet. I can’t fathom the alternative.
    I will pray for you as you grieve. Nothing seems to help, I remember. I will pray that in the middle of what feels like an abyss, God will show Himself.
    Stephanie

    Reply
  47. Diana says

    May 15, 2011 at 3:05 AM

    GORGEOUS!!!!!!

    Precious girl!

    Love
    Diana

    Reply
  48. Bailey says

    May 15, 2011 at 3:22 AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot fathom your pain at this moment. I just want to reach through cyberspace to give you a great big hug. I am so very sorry.

    The flowers are beautiful. My absolutely favorite flower is among the bouquets… the snapdragon. Since I was a child, I always called them the “kissing flowers.” I would squeeze the sides to make the “mouths” open, like a kiss. Maybe these flowers are sending Esther’s kisses to you. To love and comfort you during this difficult time.

    {{{Hugs}}}

    Reply
  49. Anne says

    May 15, 2011 at 3:41 AM

    Dear Stefanie,
    I’m so sorry for the passing of Esther.
    Your adoptions, blog, stories, pictures inspire me and supported me through our journey to our daughters. Please know that there are many of us that have never met you that are holding you and your family in our hearts and prayers. I’m so glad that Esther has you and your family to miss her.

    Reply
  50. Life with Kaishon says

    May 15, 2011 at 3:59 AM

    I weep with you.

    Reply
  51. Hailey says

    May 15, 2011 at 6:20 AM

    These are all so beautiful, just like your precious baby girl. My little sister has been following your blog, and she found out today (I hadn’t told her yet). Our hearts are just aching for you. Please know you have a whole team of girls here lifting you and your family up in prayer. Much love, from the “So Loved Sisters”.

    Reply
  52. Hailey says

    May 15, 2011 at 6:21 AM

    ps. I love Lynn’s idea.

    Reply
  53. Jill says

    May 15, 2011 at 12:36 PM

    Oh Stefanie…my heart breaks for you. I am SO VERY sorry. There are no words.. May God give you comfort…and peace…

    Reply
  54. Lynne says

    May 15, 2011 at 2:49 PM

    I completely understand how you could love someone so deeply and passionately as only a mama could even though you held her in your heart instead of your arms. You were her mama–choose to believe that on some level, your daughter knew she had a forever family and was safe and secure in that knowledge. Our hearts break with you. You will see Esther again and may that bring you some small comfort.

    Surrounding you with prayers and hugs.

    Lynne
    Proud mama to Amelia, age 5, born in PRC…

    Reply
  55. Kelli Hunter-Campbell says

    May 15, 2011 at 3:17 PM

    haunting, delicate, beautiful…

    both the pictures in tribute and the sweet angel baby herself.

    the worst part about this kind of pain is that you just have to feel it. You have to walk through it every day as your mind adjusts to a new kind of normal, a new world that has now changed because of the loss you have suffered. You will always miss her. Of course you will. Your loss is no different from any other mother having lost a child. I am so glad that you know Jesus. That you know that you WILL see Esther in Heaven. I’m glad you can find comfort in knowing that she is at peace and filled with joy and contentment in the arms of her Heavenly Father.

    Sadly, even that knowledge of her own joy and peace is not enough to make the ache go away. I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain.

    God Bless

    Reply
  56. Sarah says

    May 18, 2011 at 12:38 PM

    So sorry for your loss.
    Praying for you as you remember your dear little lovely one.

    Reply
  57. Kathryn says

    May 20, 2011 at 1:42 AM

    I am so incredibly sorry for your heartache and loss!! May the Lord comfort you as only HE can!!

    Reply
  58. toms coupons for toms shoes says

    August 10, 2011 at 7:11 AM

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I'm Stefanie. Wife to one, mom to 13. Occasional blogger and t-shirt maker. Wannabe photographer and exerciser. Constant grace-needer and orphan advocator. more
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