My first glimpse of Esther.
But her name was Ava. Our agency had given her that name on their photolisting. I have always loved the name Ava, but it was that face.
Those eyes.
Those pouty lips.
She stayed with me.
I have shared our story to Esther. It was admittedly hard to write, but I really, really wanted to remember everything God had done to bring her home.
And I am so glad I wrote it out so carefully. My goal in being so diligent was to bring glory to God and all He had done. And now having it, while it will always remind me of God showing up in our lives like never before, it is also so very comforting to me. Because it’s all about God and Esther.
I don’t want to ever forget all the details of how He brought her into our lives. Fighting for her transformed my understanding of who God is and how intimately involved in our lives He is. And how deeply He loves us.
We weren’t able to change her life. But she absolutely changed ours.
And as hard as it was to have to share here, in front of everyone, that we’d lost our girl, I am so glad I had shared my heart for her here.
Because y’all got to know her. And her little fighting spirit, and cherubic face will be carried in your hearts, too.
I have asked God, “Why?” countless times in the last week. Because y’all, I fell so, so hard for Esther. Please understand, loving Esther does not diminish how I feel about Poppy or any of my kiddos… any mama with more than one child can attest to that.
But there was just something about Esther. Even my husband, who really takes a while to warm up to anyone, much less a photo of a little one halfway around the world, was positively taken by her.
Maybe it was because her heart condition was very serious and we were acutely aware of how much she would need a family to come for her soon. She needed us.
Maybe it was because she was just so ridiculously cute, with that little curled ear and those precious pouty lips.
Maybe it was because we had to fight, so incredibly hard, to be her mama and baba, that each victory God put into our hands made her just that much more real to us.
Maybe it was because in asking ourselves, over and over – at every new “battle” – if we were sure Esther was ours… we were positively convinced she was.
Maybe it was because God wanted to plant her in our hearts for eternity.
Maybe He wants her to be carried by us. To make a mark on our hearts, so that we might find a way to honor her. Fight a little harder. Love a little deeper. And give a whole lot more of ourselves.
For Esther.
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Happy Sunday, y’all.
Such a beauty! I’m still praying for all of you!
Stefanie- she is as precious and perfect as can be and now she is in the loving arms of our father.
Thank you for sharing your journey, your joy and your heartache.
Through sweet Esther’s short life and your sharing -others will grow in their faith and trust in Him.
*hugs* You are in my thoughts and she is gorgeous!
Stefanie, Such a beautiful testament to your sweet girl and to our Father. I have been thinking about you, Chris and the kiddos each and every day. Praying and hugging from afar:)
Blessings, Ashley
beautifully expressed. thank you for sharing.
Stefanie, You’ve been on my heart ever since I heard the news. Your obedience and faith are so inspiring. I pray that your family will find healing in this news, and that God will continue to be glorified in your story.
What a beautiful tribute to Esther.
Continuing to pray for you all from Hong Kong.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Love & Blessings,
Kim
Thank you, Stefanie and Chris, for letting all of us love on her too. I feel honored to have been able to celebrate the victories and offer up the prayers for this gorgeous sweet angel.
Nancy
I’m brand new to your blog, and so so sorry for your loss. I feel like I kind of understand what you’re going through as we lost our daughter, Mina, as well.
So beautifully written Stefanie! 🙂
Beautiful…may God bless all of you, always…
XOXO
Patricia
What a beautiful tribute to your daughter and to your family’s love for her. Thank you for sharing your story with us even at these terribly difficult times. She is so loved.
Well said! I am so proud of the strong woman of God that you are. Oh how our Father loves you. You will have blessings so great that you will not be able to count them .-Joy
You are so brave to share this part of your heart with all of us. It is so easy to shut down, but you didn’t take the easy way. Thank you. Thank you for your story….and I pray that although you will never forget her or stop loving her…that you find peace.
Praying, praying, praying for you dear friend!!!!!
Lots of love and prayers for Esther’s caretakers, and for her family a world away.
Oh my heart. I think so,too. So beautifully written. Praising God with you for His calling on your life. Continuing to pray for your family. {{{hugs}}}
Continuing to pray. Sweet Esther was So Loved!
You have such brave and loving soul. Prayers for you and your family.
What a beautiful, precious tribute to your sweet baby girl…
What a beautiful testimony to a stunning little girl who I have no doubt changed and will change more lives than just your own…and to the Father that loves her infinitely more than we can imagine. Continuing to lift you and your family up before Him!
And she was loved by her very own mama and baba. She was fought for. Prayed for. Cried for. Loved unconditionally. It’s what every child needs and she had it. Her life, thought it could seem like a tragedy, is so far from one. The impact of this little is going to put our wildest dreams to shame, I think.
Continuing to pray for your dear family!
Because of YOU she will always be remembered…and cherished…that was a gift for us all to see and experience and most of all REMEMBER.
I was thinking about you today. A dear friend of ours who lives here locally is expecting a baby girl–her fourth child. Her pregnancy was moving along normally and then at twenty weeks, during the ultrasound, they were told that the baby would not live. She has no kidneys. The baby can survive inside her mother, but she won’t be able to live outside the womb.
When I heard the news, I went to visit my friend. I was amazed by her composure and her faith. The doctors wanted to end the pregnancy as soon as possible, but she said she would not. It is her desire to carry that precious baby until she goes into labor. Her prayer is that she’ll live even just a moment, but she knows that most likely her daughter will die before birth. She feels privileged to carry this baby who is not meant for life on earth and will go straight back to heaven.
Everyone who knows this woman agrees that you just feel a quiet reverence when you’re with her. To see her tummy move and to know the ultimate outcome is so bittersweet. Still, my friend insists that she is blessed. She’ll never know this spirit on earth, but she knows that she’s hers for eternity.
I thought of you and of your sweet Esther. Praying for all of you.
What a beautiful post, Stefanie. Praying for you! Esther and you all have been on my mind and prayers every day.. (((Hugs)))
Oh wow, I can totally imagine the heartfelt loss, and I’m so sorry. She is such a precious little one. Thank you for sharing from your heart. Praying for you all!
love you
I cried so hard when I heard your news. That face! Even though we have never met, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Though you have comfort in the fact that Esther is cradled in God’s arms, the loss of her here on earth is felt. I am so sorry!
Stef,
I was thinking of you yesterday during our sermon. We are in Matthew 5 studying The Beatitudes. In Vs 4 Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” You are living this right now… My prayer is that through this loss you will let Christ comfort you. He loves you, and He loved Esther so much he gave her to a family that would love her from afar!
May this week bring you great joy and great blessings through your tears!
Love,
Diana
Your Esther is going to be missed by so many people. Thank you for sharing these precious pictures and letting us get to know Esther as well.
Still praying for you, my friend. Today’s SS is a special one, just for your sweet Esther. Thank you for sharing her with all of us, for sharing your heart with all of us, and for being such an example of courage and tenacity even in the midst of hard and unpredictable, real-life messy stuff. Hugs from PA.
http://whitneygang.blogspot.com/2011/05/sunday-snapshot-for-esther.html
Dear Stefani, please know that so many thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We know without any doubt just how much you love all of your babies. We are so sorry for your loss, but so thankful that He brought her into your hearts so that you could love her for a lifetime and an eternity. With much love to you all.
I have been following your blog for a while but have never commented before – mainly because my circumstances are so different to yours, I felt I didn’t have any right to comment. I can’t ignore this though. It breaks my heart that you won’t get to meet Esther, she was such a beautiful little girl, but I am positive that she knew in her heart about you and she was certainly in yours. Esther cannot be replaced, but I hope that your trip to get Poppy will ease your pain.
Stefanie,
I’m so very sorry to read about Esther. I understand how much a mother can love a child that God has growing in your heart. Although she never lived long enough to meet her new family–she was loved, prayed for, cherished, and chosen. Her last months she was no longer an orphan but a daughter.
You will hold her in heaven. And now she is dancing with a new heart at the feet of Jesus.
Oh so thankful that you have shared this journey. I pray that He will be glorified greatly through Esther’s story!
Our hearts are broken and now her’s is whole….shes such a beautiful girl! Thank you for sharing her with us! Continued prayers and thoughts for your family!
And in our hearts too, forever…
So incredibly and beautifully written. I know you’ll see that pouty smile in heaven. I was smitten with her too.